mthfllof Reviews

Messalina vs. the Son of Hercules (1964)

Contains more loin than your average cow

[5/10 · 10 February 2001]

I am guessing that there is a series of "Son of Hercules" movies: the theme for this movie is the exact same as that of "Son of Hercules vs. the Fire Demon."

A montage of corpses are shown as a chorus of men sing "The mighty sons of Hercules are men as men should be! They took the world and kept the world the sons of Hercules!" Not exactly Shakespeare but hey...at least it's got a groovy beat you can dance to.

The narrator informs us this film recounts the adventures of Glaucus, pronounced "GLAW-cuss" (played by a well oiled Richard Harrison) and his struggle with the empress Messalina.

In 41 AD Caligula rules the land. In his pointless war against Britain (well played by the Italian countryside) Caligula watches Glaucus the Brit fight. Excited by what he sees (Caligula shows his delight by petting a cat) he takes Glaucus back with him as a slave.

Back in Rome (well played by a blurry matte painting) Caligula makes his horse a senator. Messalina, wife of Claudius, watches in horror as Caligula and his midget sidekick laugh at each new outrageous law Caligula enacts. At the Roman games Glaucus fights with obvious skill. The crowd (all 20 of them) yells in obvious pleasure, quieting down when someone makes a statement like "wow, what a man warrior!" Caligula is not impressed, however, when Glaucus throws an axe at him. Glaucus is arrested and Messalina starts a plan to use Glaucus as a means to overthrow Caligula.

This production has all the typical Italian beefcake trademarks - bad dubbing, over-acting (in some cases, under-acting), a midget, and men in loincloths. Richard Harrison may not have the biggest muscles but he certainly is the most titillating beefcake actor I've seen. And when it comes to loincloths you have to wonder why his "mini-skirt" is not mini enough. They must not have seen a good thing when they had it, and with too much loincloth neither can we.

Hercules Against the Mongols (1963)

For Lack of a Midget

[4/10 · 7 February 2001]

The version of this movie I saw was called "Hercules Against the Mongols"

Hercules, dubbed within an inch of his life and his loins covered within an inch of his modesty, is told he is to fight the Mongols by an oracle.

A female voice then tells us it's 1227. She continues to tell us of the leaders of Mongolian tribes that Hercules will fight. They are the three sons of Ghengis Khan and they lust for conquest. To incite their people to go to war they kill one of their own and blame "THE WHITE MAN!" THE WHITE MAN must be punished!

The Mongols burn houses (in this movie symbolically represented by a miniature hut) and kill many WHITE MEN or take them as slaves. Amid all the confusion you can always tell the Mongols from THE WHITE MAN. The Mongols are hairy, manly and wearing leather. THE WHITE MEN are shaved, feminine and wearing felt.

The Mongols discover that an heir to THE WHITE MAN's throne has escaped. "We must find him!" exclaims one son of Ghengis Khan. "We must kill all the legitimate heirs to the throne!" The boy, Alexander, wanders through the woods and comes across Hercules who is playing pick-up-sticks with tree trunks. "Why are you moving those trees?" asks Alexander, his dubbed voice sounding like he is speaking in a wind tunnel. "What are you doing out here, little boy?" asks the grinning, mostly unclad Hercules in what is the movie's creepiest moment.

It isn't long before Hercules is fighting the Mongols. Hercules picks up a tree trunk and stands there as the Mongols ride their horses into him. Defeated, the Mongols sneer "We will meet again!" and run off.

Beefcake films are more of a curiosity nowadays but I must admit I enjoy watching them. They are, by no means, Great cinema but they are fun to watch: half-clad men fighting, posing, and delivering absurd lines.

The only disappointment was the lack of the midget actor usually found in these films. How can it be an Italian production without a midget?

Afterthought: There is one fight with a lion that is pretty harrowing and could be considered cruelty to animals. If you are squeamish about such things be forewarned: you may want to skip this one.

Loincloth!

The Ring (1952)

Raging Toro

[5/10 · 5 February 2001]

"This is Los Angeles: sprawling metropolis of the west. It's a beautiful city. It walks like a young giant from the mountains down to the sea. It has shiny buildings and modern freeways. Almost engulfed by the city surrounding it lies a little street "Olvera street." A street that appears to be forgotten by time."

Thus starts the movie with tourists taking pictures of "the lazy Mexicans."

A Mexican family falls on hard times when the father is laid off. Bad timing, it turns out. The family had just bought new furniture and are very proud of the blue sofa and matching chairs (the film is b&w so the chairs look grey to us). "Send it back!" demands the father. The son says he will get a job to help pay for the furniture but the father says "you are only a boy." Storming out of the house the son goes to "the clubhouse" to see his friends. Harassed by bigoted white police and denied service by white owned businesses "Tommy" lets his rage out and gets in a fight.

Tommy is seen fighting by a talent scout - one who is interested in making Tommy a professional fighter. "Don't you want to be something? Do you want to be pushed around like your dad?" Tommy is convinced and "Tommy Kansas" is born.

Tommy's father thinks it's a disgrace. "I am a poor man, but I am not a brute!" But the rest of the family is behind him. "If you do not give up fighting you will leave this house!" exclaims his father as he storms off.

I will admit to not being a big boxing fan. This film, however, kept my interest. The main character "Tommy" is well played and his transformation from naive street kid to young seasoned boxer makes this film worthwhile.

One of Our Aircraft Is Missing (1942)

Archers Airborne

[7/10 · 5 February 2001]

"B. for Bertie crashed on Sunday morning. 0431. But our story starts some fifteen hours earlier......."

With that simple statement Powell and Pressburger take us on another journey into cinema. A group of wise-cracking RAF crewmen take off on a routine bombing flight. The plane is shot and the crew manage to parachute off the before the plane stalls and crashes.

On the ground the men (minus the pilot) gather together. They first encounter a trio of children who ask "have you come to invade Holland?" The men are taken to the adults who debate about what to do with them.

Truly inventive film is well thought-out and photographed. Interest never wavers. What could have been a run-of-the-mill war film was skillfully crafted into a film of humanity in the midst of inhumanity.

Shameless Laudations!

Riders of the Rockies (1937)

Pass the oats, please

[3/10 · 23 January 2001]

Tex "Rand" starts off the movie singing the title song. Riding along with his side-kicks "Doc" and early gay icon "Pee Wee" he comes across sped up footage of a stagecoach being held up. Tex and his gang save the day, meet the stock female love interest, and misplace their horses.

Tex and his gang (both of them) bum a ride to town and join with some rangers which gives Tex ample opportunity to sing "Home on the Range." After a couple minutes of painful exposition we learn that there are cattle rustlers nearby. If that were not enough to convince us of the dangers at hand we are shown sped up footage of cows and what sounds like the chipmunks yelling "Yaw! Yaw!" The leader of the rangers shouts "Get the men mounted!" and Pee Wee leads the pack in doing just that.

As is usual with these kind of films there is an innocent man (or in this case, "men") accused of a crime. Pee Wee and Doc are watching a herd of cattle. They are distracted (a scene which involves a bad guy riding up to them and saying "follow me!") and when they return the herd is gone. The rangers come to the conclusion that Pee Wee and Doc took the cows.

As far as westerns go, the plot is plum average. But some stand-out moments for me were:

-Pee Wee's Rockette-like high kick to rid the bad guy of his knife. You Go Girl!

-Tex crooning with a woman who sounds like she is singing opera. She also happens to be wearing a novelty oversized bow tie on her head. Glamorous!

-The amount of sped up footage (many westerns have sped up footage, but in this film...yikes!)

-The saloon with a bar that moves when anyone leans on it, kicks it, or breathes on it (watch it wobble in the obligatory fight scene!)

-How can you tell the Mexicans from the Ameicans? The Mexicans ALL wear straw hats (with one exception: Mendoza---who wears a milkman's hat)

-Pee Wee's ability to mince on a horse ("Aw, But Tex, I'm hungry!")

Oats!

Frontier Town (1938)

oats!

[3/10 · 13 January 2001]

Tex "Lansing" is winning quite a few events at the local rodeo, much to the chagrin of the leader of a gang who was hoping to win all the money himself. Tex's side kicks, Stubby and Pee Wee, are told to warn not to let Tex win the last event or Tex will be "pumped full of lead." Tex sings a song, wins all the events, and turns the sidekicks into nervous nellies (Pee Wee does a very convincing imitation of Judy Garland, in fact).

Tex, wandering the rodeo which has miraculously turned into a carnival, comes across a damsel in distress. Her brother, deep in gambling debt, has stolen twenty dollars and refuses to give it back. Tex saves the day and we are introduced to the stock love interest.

The story continues to wind itself around the horrors of counterfeit money, murder, and the acting abilities of Tex's love interest, "Gail Hawthorne" (Pee Wee, Tex's secondary love interest, gets a little "handsy" during a song and gets rejected. Oh the humanity!). As is usual with this kind of film you get sped up footage of horses running which adds considerably to the dramatic tensions:

Will Tex clear his name of murder? Will Tex make things right between Gail and her gambling brother Bob? Will Tex get the girl in the end? Will Tex finally figure out that Pee Wee has the hots for him?

Trash Bin

Simbad contro i sette saraceni (1964)

attack of the italian production

[3/10 · 10 January 2001]

in the version i saw, ali baba and the seven saracens, the actors did not so much "act" as they walked around and shouted lines in the ear of the person standing next to them --- lines such as "swine dog, if i ever see your face again i will kill you. now go away and fetch me my dinner" and "no, really, nothing is wrong. AAAAA!!! AAAA!!! no, its nothing. AAAA!!! AAA!!! AAA!!! i tell you its nothing. AAAA!!!"

however it may not be the fault of the actors, considering the english dubbing is worse than any japanese horror flick.

ali baba falls in love with a girl who saves his life. he soon gets captured (read: gets knocked out by getting hit in the head by a pole) which stalls his chances to overthrow omar, a clint eastwood type who broods a lot, yells a lot, and likes to walk around topless. off the the dungeon goes ali baba.

meanwhile omar discovers that in order to become accepted by the magi and become faja (your guess is as good as mine) he must fight the saracens when "the moon blocks the light of the sun."

before i continue i must mention the orchestration which seems to go by the rule "fill any silence with a horn and a cymbal" and on occasion you can actually hear the dialogue clearly.

okay. while fatima, the girl ali baba loves, is taken to a dungeon over-seen by a shawl-encrusted nymph with a whip, ali baba befriends a midget who is impressed by ali's manliness. the midget, named "jookie", crawls through the air vents (!!!) and comes upon the dungeon where fatima is. he interrupts their conversation about eunichs (!!!) to tell them of an escape plan at midnight and by "midnight" he means "noon" since all the action takes place during the day. then comes the escape which leaves poor jookie tear-ridden.

there is a swordfight. fatima leads ali baba behind a decorative pillar and kisses him. omar emerges and smacks a few people around while flashing his nipples at the camera. wow. this is in the first 45 minutes!

as for rating the film i must say i was entertained quite a bit by the lack of talent all around. the ms3k value is high so watching with a group of people with that in mind might be a good idea.