Dave-291 Reviews

Crossing (I) (2007)

Don't Waste Your Time.

[1/10 · 17 October 2014]

This isn't a good movie. It's just not. It's nonsensical, completely absurd (in a bad way), amateurish, and just plain bad. I'd go so far as to say it killed Sebastian Spence's career (poor guy). Even the boys from MST3K wouldn't be able to stomach this dreck enough to make fun of it.

Because I have to fill a certain amount of space in order to post this review, I'll describe a little bit of the inanity that they wasted celluloid on: the aforementioned Sebastian Spence looking consistently baffled throughout as he tries to both understand the hot mess of a script and figure out the best way to dispose of his soon-to-be-ex-agent's body; "Uncle Bunny," the least threatening mob villain in cinematic history; Michael Buble's untalented, aspiring actress sister, doing her best K-Stew impression before K-Stew was a thing; Bif Naked in the worst hair and make-up ever designed, playing a drag king with a terrible Elvis fetish; cross-dressing-- oh, so much cross-dressing-- as a story device, but for no real narrative purpose whatsoever.

Also, please note that all of the "positive reviewers" for this film have only, according to their account histories, ever conveniently reviewed one film: this gooey turd of a movie. Nothing suspect about that whatsoever (which, if you believe, then hey, I've got a bridge to sell you).

Seriously, go watch paint dry instead. You'll be more entertained.

Knockaround Guys (2001)

Bad. Really bad. But not in a good way. Just REALLY bad.

[1/10 · 11 October 2002]

*Mild SPOILER alert - although it really won't make this crappy flick any worse*

I tend not to comment on the movies that I watch, but I think this particular flick deserves a few words on my part. A friend once told me that "free" makes everything taste better. Well, I saw a free preview screening of "Knockaround Guys" tonight, and let me assure, there are some things that even "free" can't make palatable. It's like tripe. But bad tripe. That even Scottish people can't enjoy. Yep, THAT bad.

This was the most touchy-feely mob movie I've ever seen in my life. The characters sit around gabbing to no end about their plans, dreams, goals, hopes, and disappointments. Barry Pepper should've had a PA on hand to hold a box of Kleenex, he did so much whining about not having his father's love and respect.

And any movie that can make Vin Diesel sound dumber than he already is? Wow.

But perhaps the most tragic thing about this movie is the fact that they wasted the extraordinary talents of Dennis Hopper and John Malkovich. In addition to only featuring them briefly in minor supporting roles, the writer/directors fed lines to these two acting icons that my dog, with a considerable amount of brain damage, could top. Take this Malkovich classic, for example: "You may think this situation is manageable, but there are some situations that are unmanageable!" Wow.

Too much expository dialogue. Wasted talent. Awful pacing. No innovation whatsoever. After viewing it, I completely understand why this film's been shelved for the past three years. I tell you: movies like this make me wonder why I can't get my own stuff produced when this garbage is slated for mass release.

A bit of advice for everyone who hasn't been subjected to this waste of celluloid? Don't see this movie. Watch a Guy Ritchie movie instead. At least it'll be entertaining.

Pleasantville (1998)

A lovely film to watch

[9/10 · 5 November 1998]

This is an exquisitely beautiful film. "Pleasantville" possesses some of the most beautiful cinematography I've ever seen in my life. The transitions from black and white to colour are superlative, and the scene where Tobey Maguire's character and his girlfriend drive up to Lover's Lane is quite possibly the single greatest filmic image ever.

William H. Macy is fabulous in this film, as he is in most of his work. He IS the father from the 1950's, with that inherent rigidity and innocence that the perfect world of television was enveloped in. The rest of the cast played their parts well, but on the whole, didn't really do anything extraordinary. Nonetheless, the film is a must-see.

This film will win best picture and best cinematography. Just as "Titanic" (though it was a significantly flawed film) had at least one element everyone could relate to or enjoy, so too does "Pleasantville". See it and enjoy it.

American History X (1998)

An excellent film -- compelling and profound

[10/10 · 5 November 1998]

I'd go so far as to say that it is one of the best films that I've ever seen in my life. The reason I'm not afraid to make this statement is because I'm not judging it based on the technical aspects, but on the impact that it makes on the audience.

In all of my movie-going life, I've never been in a theatre where not one person spoke throughout the entire film -- until now. Even when the film ended and the credits were slated to roll, the theatre remained completely silent as everyone simply stared at the screen in either awe or shock.

The range of emotions that this film hits is astounding. Some of the most brutal imagery you'll ever see on film is captured in "American History X", imagery that will make you cringe. But at the same time, the character of Lamont (played excellently by Guy Torrey) will have you cracking up in laughter. Edward Norton is fantastic as Derek Vinyard, illiciting from the audience feelings from hatred to sympathy, and even making the character likable in the end.

This film should win best picture, but it won't. The subject matter is too grim for the Academy to bestow that honour upon it, even though the film is as deeply affecting as it is. It simply steps on too many toes. But Edward Norton should and probably will win best actor, because out of this somewhat dismal year for film, he simply shines in this performance.