Rick and Morty (TV Series)

The Wedding Squanchers (2015)

Justin Roiland: Rick Sanchez, Morty Smith, Mr. Poopybutthole, Additional Voices

Photos 

Quotes 

• Rick Sanchez : Weddings are basically just funerals with cake.

• Rick Sanchez : Listen, I'm not the nicest guy in the universe, because I'm the smartest, and being nice is something stupid people do to hedge their bets.

• [last lines] 

  Prisoner : What are you in for?

  Rick Sanchez : Everything.

• Beth Smith : He's not coming back, is he?

  Morty Smith : No.

• Rick : No. Weddings are basically funerals with cake. If I wanted to watch someone throw their life away, I'd hang out with Jerry all day.

• [Rick is unmoved by Morty's arguments that he should be happy at his friend Bird-person's wedding] 

  Rick Sanchez : Excuse me, bartender. Can you make me a dumb grandson pep talk? It's one part lame advise about stuff you know nothing about and a *lot* of vodka.

  Bartender : Mm-hm. I have a lot of vodka.

  Rick Sanchez : Then I'll take one of those. I don't need the rest.

• Rick : Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

• [Beth is trying to convince Rick to go to his friend Bird-person's wedding] 

  Beth Smith : Dad, you have a friend that's getting married. That's a big deal.

  Jerry Smith : It's a big deal he has a friend.

  Rick Sanchez : What would you know about friendship, Jerry.

  Courier Flaps : Confirmed: Shipping Jerry.

  [Courier Flaps envelops Jerry and flies off into space with him] 

• Rick Sanchez : This is on you guys. I told you weddings are stupid.

  Jerry Smith : Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this previously unknown galactic government?

  Rick Sanchez : All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

  Jerry Smith : How could you be so dishonest with this family?

  Rick Sanchez : Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know, my now dead best friend? Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?

  Summer Smith : Hey, Tammy was cool!

  Rick Sanchez : And now we know why.

  Summer Smith : Because of you!

  Rick Sanchez : Fuck you, Summer, and fuck the government, and fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will *never* do again!

  Morty Smith : Geez, Rick! You can't say f... "'f' you" to your granddaughter.

  Rick Sanchez : I just did, Morty. Here's dessert. Fuck You.

• Tammy : Gosh, I look around this room, and I think, "uh, Tammy, you're a high-school senior from the planet Earth, and you're marrying a 40-year-old Birdperson? Like, what?"

  Summer Smith : Yeah, Tammy!

  Tammy : But then I think, you know, in a lot of ways, I'm not a high-school senior from the planet Earth. In a lot of ways, what I really am is a deep-cover agent for the Galactic Federation, and you guys are a group of wanted criminals, and this entire building is, in a certain sense, surrounded.

  Rick Sanchez : Oh shit.

• Rick Sanchez : Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Aliens bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of

  [Burps] 

  Rick Sanchez : jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook them up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am... which I guarantee you, you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe.

• Rick Sanchez : Oh, my God. Get in the ship, sweetie.

  Beth Smith : What?

  Rick Sanchez : Get in the goddamn ship! Everything's on a cob! The whole planet's on a cob! Go, go, go!

• Tammy : [Pulls out gun]  Everyone here is under arrest for crimes against the Federation!

  Birdperson : Tammy, what are you doing?

  Tammy : [Points gun at Birdperson]  Sit your bird ass down!

  Tammy : Tammy?

  [She shoots him dead] 

  Rick Sanchez : BIRDPERSON! NO!

• Beth Smith : Your language has the word "squanch" in it a lot. Doesn't that become tedious and worn out, like the Smurf thing?

  Rick Sanchez : Beth, Squanchy culture is more contextual than literal. You just say what's in your squanch and people understand.

  Beth Smith : Oh. Okay. I *squanch* my family.

  [Rick and Squanchy recoil in disgust] 

  Beth Smith : Uh... what? I do. I squanch my family.

  Squanchy : Stop saying it, gross! Come on in, guys. The guests are having cocksquanches.