Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Jurassic Park III (2014)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Creepy Dad

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : This leads us to Dr. Grant, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit ton of money. He's played by Sam Neill, a man who says he has no interest in returning to Jurassic Park unless he's paid a shit ton of money. Hey, can't fault good casting.

• Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) : So, you know, Mark's been working with the state department now.

  Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) : Yeah, what do you do, Mark?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, what do you do aside from pumping out children from my baby-obsessed former girlfriend?

• Symposium Leader : Symposium Leader: Does anyone have a question?

  [a few people in the audience raise their hands] 

  Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) : Does anyone have a question that does not relate to Jurassic Park?

  [the same few people put their hands down] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, it's like the real Sam Neill at a Comic Convention.

• [a loud dinosaur growl is heard] 

  Paul Kirby (William H. Macy) : What was that?

  Nostalgia Critic : George of the Jungle - What do you think?

• [after the Spinosaurus has killed the T-Rex] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No. No-no-no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. That didn't just happen. That didn't just happen! That was the motherfucking T-Rex! Nobody outdoes the motherfucking T-Rex! Who's this bitch that thinks she's the motherfucking T-Rex? She's not the motherfucking T-Rex! In the poster for

  [shows a fake poster of] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Transformers IV: The Sploodging of the Dong, that's not a dinosaur that looks like Daffy Duck's beak after he got shot, it's THE MOTHERFUCKING T-REX! It's like killing off Batman and replacing him with "Super-Duper-Better-Man!" No, no, no, there's just some things you do not fuck around with!

• Nostalgia Critic : Hey there, kiddo, you like your Dora the Explorer doll?

  Tamara Chambers : Sure do!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, what would you think if I got you a brand new Barbie doll?

  Tamara Chambers : Uh, oh, that's okay; I love Dora!

  Nostalgia Critic : No, you love Barbie.

  Tamara Chambers : Um, I'm pretty sure I love Dora.

  [NC Slaps Dora doll out of Tamara's hand] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Look at that! Barbie killed Dora! Now you have to love Barbie!

  Tamara Chambers : Poor Dora!

  Nostalgia Critic : You don't care nothing for her, you instead love your Barbie doll!

  Tamara Chambers : I don't want to!

  Nostalgia Critic : YOU WILL LOVE HER!

  Tamara Chambers : Daddy, no!

  [NC screams as he continues shaking her in anger. We then abruptly cut to a quiet NC, who is completely surprised] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Wow... I was in a dark place when I wrote that. BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

• Nostalgia Critic : Things don't get any better when they come across a research lab where the worst kind of raptor is waiting: the Mohawk Raptor!

  [Clips from the movie where the raptor tries to attack Amanda] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [vo, as Mohawk Raptor]  Dude, I just wanna be the drummer for Blink-182!

• Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) : Eric, I have to tell you, I'm astonished that you've lasted eight weeks on this island.

  Eric Kirby (Trevor Morgan) : Is that all it's been?

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I'm all for strong kid characters contributing more to a story aside from being a helpless waif, but... EIGHT WEEKS ON HIS FUCKING OWN, ON A GODDAMN ISLAND FILLED WITH DINOSAURS? Why the hell do we even need to rescue this kid? We could just drop a bunch of paper clips and a balloon and he'd have an Army-styled raft in a millisecond! They shouldn't be saving that kid; he should be saving THEM!

• Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) : Some of the worst things imaginable have been done with the best intentions.

  Nostalgia Critic : Just look at every Academy Award show.

• Funeral Director : All right. This is her final word...

  Velociraptor : [pops out of the phone]  Alan?

  Nostalgia Critic : I hate this scare!

• [Clip shown of the plane flying over herds of dinosaurs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : And if you look down below, you'll see the leftover animation from The Land Before Time 6... oh, I mean... don't they look real? Wow!

• Nostalgia Critic : And as is typical with every Téa Leoni performance, Willy Wonka feigning interest still comes off as more convincing. The whole movie, she's like a robot who's trying to figure out this human thing called emotion. It also doesn't help that she breathes through her mouth more than Kristen Stewart does.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, I didn't think it was possible to out-Capshaw Kate Capshaw but lady, you are seriously cutting off the nuts of my patience!

• [Clips from the movie shown where the Spinosaurus tries and fails to get through a small steel door] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, obviously if she could crash through a giant spike-filled gate, surely a small steel door would be too much for her! I'm sure she shares the same pain as the aliens from Signs.

• [a Pterodactyl carries a screaming Eric past its young ones before dropping him on the ground in front of them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Huh. I guess the mother wants the kids to work for their food? I know whenever I feed a baby, I put the food at least five feet away from it! Lazy bastards should work for their own damn grub!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I think I've figured out the problem here. All the dinosaurs that are supposed to be really threatening are either laughably useless or distractingly cute and all the dinosaurs that are supposed to be harmless are terrifyingly frightening or horrendously hideous. I think someone in the design department got a few notes backwards!