Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Thomas and the Magic Railroad (2012)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : The mouths don't move! It's just fucking creepy! I mean, I understand on the show 'cause it looks like they have a budget that makes Gumby look like Studio Ghibli, but come on, you got Peter Fonda in this! You don't want Peter Fonda to think you're this goddamn lazy, do you? You got enough facial expressions in your library, but you can't come up with one motor to go inside the characters' lips to make it move up and down? Come on, I can do better! Watch!

  [the scene is replayed with NC's lips imposed over the live action models using Synchro-Vox] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Thomas]  Say, Gordon, I was just wondering why we live in a town called Sodor. Is that a retirement home for Lord of the Ring villains?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Gordon]  I'm just trying to figure out how we procreate. I mean, do trains have sperm?

  Nostalgia Critic : [at Thomas]  Goodness gracious me.

• [repeated line] 

  Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle Guy : Hey, sparkle sparkle sparkle!

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck yeah, sparkle sparkle sparkle!

• [repeated line] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine!

• Nostalgia Critic : [after playing the scene where Diesel falls off the broken bridge]  Prepare to meet Amtrak... in Hell!

• Nostalgia Critic : Is this the so-called help the audience was supposed to give that was mentioned earlier? Come on, even Care Bears was more interactive than that. They at least asked you to do something. Any movie can just show something being done and claim that you did that.

  [the Death Star explodes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You did that. You.

  [Tony Montana is shot] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You did that. You.

  [Edward stops an on-coming car from hitting Bella] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You did that. You... for shame.

• Diesel : Now I'll get you, Burnett Stone.

  Grandpa Burnett : No, you won't, because the magic you refuse to believe in will get the better of you.

  Nostalgia Critic : [a brief pause]  You know what? Go back to being depressed. I think I like you better that way.

• Nostalgia Critic : [aghast to learn that Peter Fonda and Alec Baldwin are in this movie]  Trust me, most of America was as shocked as you are! What the hell are these two big, dramatic actors doing in something as brainless as Thomas the Tank Engine? I mean, it's not that it's a kids' film. Hell, a Disney movie or a Pixar movie or something of substance would make more sense, but it's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine! The show PBS puts on when Clifford the dog is too intimidating! But does it all come together? IT'S THOMAS THE FUCKING TA... Let's take a look.

• Grandpa Burnett : Long ago, I made a mistake as Lady's caretaker. An evil diesel found Lady and threatened to destroy her. He chased her, used up all her coal, and then he crashed her. I tried my best to fix her up, but I've never been able to make up for the mistake I've made.

  Nostalgia Critic : Okay, Peter, I'm just gonna tell you right now, you're trying waaaaaaaay too hard here. This isn't "Ulee's Gold", it's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine! I don't usually say this, but... we'd understand if you don't put your all into it. I mean, why can't you be more like...

  Mr. Conductor : [laughs]  It is a very important day!

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, maybe not like this. Yes, if Peter Fonda is too miserable in this movie, then Alec Baldwin is far too happy. He plays Mr. Conductor. Think Bob the Builder's lobotomized grandpa and you'll have a pretty good idea of what he's like.

• Nostalgia Critic : So we're introduced to a place called Shining Time, where the humans are just as lifeless as the trains. They even have their own obnoxiously fat, profanity-laced Tinker Bell played by Alec Baldwin, who's going to sing to us about the town!

  Mr. Conductor : [singing]  This is your Shining Time / Climbing through stars to your own cloud nine.

  Nostalgia Critic : [singing]  Here's a generic song / It sounds like hundreds of other songs. / Things are always nice in this song / That's why no one remembers it. / Generic song, generic song. / Some jackass wrote this in his sleep. / Generic song, generic song. / It shuts up your kids, so you can't complain.

• Junior : Hey, cous, you're looking terrible.

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, are they father and son or cousins? He calls him Junior, yet he's constantly saying "cous".

  Mr. Conductor : Junior, I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen to me very carefully.

  Junior : This is his cousin.

  Nostalgia Critic : Maybe they're both. If the Mario Brothers can be father and son, anything's fucking possible.

• Nostalgia Critic : So immediately, you're hoping Mr. Rogers' trolley comes in and kicks the oiled asses out of these characters, but unfortunately, we're not so lucky.

• Diesel : I've come back to find the lost steam engine. I'm gonna destroy her and dominate you!

  Nostalgia Critic : Whoa! Keep it in the bedroom, Diesel.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Diesel]  I'm tired of being the bottom bitch. Just for once I wanna be in control of my train sperm!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Thomas]  We were just talking about that. Do trains have sperm?

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Diesel]  Silence!

• [after Mr. Conductor appears on a desk and he's a two feet tall] 

  Mr. Conductor : Stacy, where did you find this painting?

  Stacy : In an old locker.

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, no, lady. The proper response is "AAAAAHH! DEMON! DEMON! AAAAAAAAHHH!"

• Nostalgia Critic : By the way. You notice something seriously lacking in Thomas the Tank engine? Yeah, Thomas the Tank Engine! He's barely in this. He shows up, smiles, and then we either cut to overacting, underacting, or "Good God, it's Thomas the fucking Tank Engine" acting!

• Nostalgia Critic : Okay, I have no idea what that scene was about. I am now totally convinced that Alec Baldwin went nuts and they just shot a movie around it. Hell, maybe it was supposed to be about a grandfather, his granddaughter and a train, but Baldwin just started shouting "gold dust" and "sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!" and they had to make a kids movie out of it. This is sadly starting to make sense.

  [Mr. Conductor picks up two flowers and uses them as a telephone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now he's talking to flowers. It's all good! In this world, a mental breakdown is totally understandable!

• Stacy : And by the way, I think that you're going to help me and Thomas somewhere in this story.

  Nostalgia Critic : Um, okay... Are you going to fill us in on that at all? That's kind of a lot of pressure to throw on a little kid and then suddenly not go into any detail. How would you like if Barney the Dinosaur in the middle of a song said...

  Barney the Dinosaur : [singing]  I love you, you love me.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Barney]  Some shit's going down. Be ready for it.

  Barney the Dinosaur : [singing]  We're a happy family.

• Nostalgia Critic : I guess he travels back and forth between Shining Time and Sodor and that's why people aren't pissing themselves with terror whenever he arrives, but what's so weird about it is that there's nothing really magical about Sodor except for the fact that the trains talk. Wouldn't it make more sense just to have it all take place in one world? Why not just have a world where trains talk and that's it? Why have the real world in it at all?

  Magical Guy : Hey, would you like to go to the magical land of Cordor?

  Nostalgia Critic : I sure would!

  [the screen flashes, but they appear in the same room as they were in before] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's just like the real world. What's so magical about it?

  Magical Guy : Well, that mask over there can smell garlic chicken spring rolls.

  [the Critic waves a box of garlic chicken spring rolls in front of the mask] 

  Mask : Yum.

  Nostalgia Critic : This isn't really magical.

• Stacy : Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

  Nostalgia Critic : I know. You're thinking to yourself, "How could any successful actor bring himself to star in a movie that requires him to say the line 'Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle?'" Well, I think you underestimate the power of those words. I think Baldwin saw the possibilities of that line, the magic it possesses, and the ability to touch an entire generation. Don't act like these words haven't had a HUGE impact on your life!

  [walks out side and yells to a passing stranger] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey!

  [the guy looks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

  Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle Guy : Fuck yeah, sparkle, sparkle, sparkle!

  Nostalgia Critic : WOO! Yeah!

  Sparkle Sparkle Sparkle Guy : Yeah! You're right, yeah! Fuck yeah!

• [the trains hear Mr. Conductor getting attacked by Diesel and their mouth's are agape] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Thomas]  All we can do is hold our blowjob faces!

• Mr. Conductor : That's right, it's sugar, Diesel! And if I throw this in your tank, it'll seize you up for good!

  Nostalgia Critic : Wait, so sugar is the big kryptonite in this world? Well, why doesn't he just carry around a packet of Splenda around all the time, then? Or hell, if the magic dust is so magical, can't he just bring a normal size person into the world? They'll be a giant there.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Diesel]  So, where's dat...

  [a giant foot steps on him and he explodes] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Think, people! Think!

• Mr. Conductor : [reading a note]  I noticed you left your thinking cap behind. Try these instead, they're good for the brain.

  [Mr. Conductor takes a bit of a carrot, looks at the camera suddenly and makes the Critic jump] 

  Mr. Conductor : Plane, drain.

  [the Critic looks confused as Mr. Conductor eats another carrot, he looks back up at the camera and makes the Critic jump again] 

  Mr. Conductor : Mountain, fountain. That might be something. I think I'll try the celery.

  Nostalgia Critic : No, you need to try the anti-psychotics, honey.

• [after Mr. Conductor falls onto a pile of sacks, saving his life] 

  Mr. Conductor : [to the camera]  Did you do all of this for me?

  [the Critic looks concerned] 

  Mr. Conductor : You must've known that I was coming. How kind of you.

  Nostalgia Critic : [scared]  Am I Alec Baldwin's delusion? IS THIS ALL ALEC BALDWIN'S DELUSION?

• Grandpa Burnett : Well, Lady, what are we to do? It all seemed so much easier when Tasha and I were children.

  Nostalgia Critic : [sighs]  IT'S THOMAS THE FUCKING TANK ENGINE! Every time you appear onscreen, you make me wanna slit my wrists! Don't ever host a birthday party!

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Peter Fonda]  Come on, kids, let's go hit the piñata.

  [shows a clip of kids at a party knocking down a piñata] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Peter Fonda]  The piñata is dead and you killed him.

  [shows a clip of a little girl about to cry, then cuts to him emotionlessly staring at the camera] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So they figure out they can't travel through worlds without gold dust, but somehow trains can still travel okay, but there's some kind of magic that makes Lady work, but they don't know what it is, but it might have something do with this coal that they found in the tunnel way in between worlds, which will allow Lady to make gold dust as she rides, and when did this plot become the kids' version of Memento?

• [Alec Baldwin's character randomly screams] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, he just sobered up and realized the movie he was in.