Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

A Pudding-Filled Cactus (2010)

Kelly Stables: Melissa

Photos 

Quotes 

• Melissa : [after making love with Alan]  Can we do this again?

  Alan Harper : Again? Well, maybe you can do it again, but men are different!

• Melissa : [Waiting for Alan to come home]  Doesn't Alan usually come home right after work?

  Charlie Harper : Usually.

  Melissa : Hope he didn't get into an accident.

  Charlie Harper : Nah, I'm not that lucky.

  Melissa : How can you say that?

  Charlie Harper : I'm just stating a fact.

• Alan Harper : [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey]  I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.

  Charlie Harper : [Knowing that Alan is lying and trying to expose him]  Oh, no! What happened?

  Alan Harper : Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.

  Melissa : Oh, my God! Someone died?

  Alan Harper : Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.

  Melissa : Oh, thank goodness.

  Charlie Harper : Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?

  Alan Harper : Good question.

  Charlie Harper : I thought so!

  Alan Harper : Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.

  Melissa : [Looking concerned]  So, he's still out there?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Charlie Harper : [Feigning seriousness]  Did you call the police?

  Alan Harper : Yes, Charlie, I did.

  Charlie Harper : [Continuing to sound serious]  What did they say?

  Alan Harper : They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.

  Charlie Harper : Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!