Paul Merton: Self - Team Captain

Quotes 

• Jo : Good evening. I'm Jo Brand. Welcome to Have I Got Election News For You. Especially recorded after Election Night, so we'd know exactly what the final outcome was.

  [laughter] 

  Jo : Well, that worked!

  [More laughter] 

  Jo : On the kind of day that makes our political system the envy of the world yes, we've got no Government!

  [Cheering and applause] 

  Paul : Does that mean we can do what we like?

  Jo : Yes!

• Jon : [to Lembit]  It's good that you're not dwelling on it.

  Lembit : I am completely over it.

  Ian : After 19 years is it, presumably...?

  Lembit : 13 years and 4 days... roughly. I mean, I'm not counting, but...

  Paul : Somebody was!

• Jo : The overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election. In fact, we only know one result for sure, don't we, Lembit!

  [laughter] 

  Lembit : Could we get on with this? I've actually got an appointment in the Job Centre in about half an hour!

  Paul : They phoned earlier - they cancelled!

  [Applause] 

• Paul : I think there's a mood in this audience today, which is a mood of "Thank God it's over for a bit, and let's just take the piss out of the whole business". I think that's the mood of this audience!

  [Cheering] 

  Paul : So you're very lucky you haven't come to see the Antiques Roadshow!

• Lembit : Apparently, the plane crash was caused by the banner they were towing mixing up with the prop at the front. I mean, how slowly were they going? Backwards?

  Paul : Loop the loop maybe?

  Lembit : It still doesn't work.