Jo Brand: Self - Guest Presenter

Quotes 

• Jo : Good evening. I'm Jo Brand. Welcome to Have I Got Election News For You. Especially recorded after Election Night, so we'd know exactly what the final outcome was.

  [laughter] 

  Jo : Well, that worked!

  [More laughter] 

  Jo : On the kind of day that makes our political system the envy of the world yes, we've got no Government!

  [Cheering and applause] 

  Paul : Does that mean we can do what we like?

  Jo : Yes!

• Jo : On Paul's team is one of the few politicians who knows what the future holds for him

  [laughter] 

  Jo : A regular slot bantering with Jeff Stelling in Dictionary Corner!

  [More laughter] 

  Jo : Please welcome Lembit Opik!

  [Applause] 

• Jo : Ian and Jon, take a look at this.

  [Cut to footage of voter queuing at a polling station] 

  Ian : People wanting to vote!

  Jon : Unmanageable turnout of 65%.

  [laughter] 

  Ian : What do they think this is, South Africa? Get out of there!

  [Cut to people with ballot boxes] 

  Ian : That's the Lib Dem vote being chucked in the river!

• Jo : The overwhelmingly indecisive outcome of the election. In fact, we only know one result for sure, don't we, Lembit!

  [laughter] 

  Lembit : Could we get on with this? I've actually got an appointment in the Job Centre in about half an hour!

  Paul : They phoned earlier - they cancelled!

  [Applause] 

• Jo : The results are in, and the people have spoken. The final result is still up in the air, unlike UKIP's plane!

  [Applause] 

  Ian : That's good, they're clapping a plane crash!

• Ian : I'm interested in the human story of what Lembit is going to do now.

  Jo : Go for it, then.

  Lembit : Are there any head hunters in the audience? I've always wanted to do whatever it is you're looking for... I don't know yet.

  Ian : It's brutal, democracy, isn't it?

  Lembit : No, but you are!

  [audience react] 

  Lembit : You were horrible to me the *last* time I was on the show as well.

  Ian : I don't believe it! It's the sort of lies you politicians tell!

  Lembit : I'm not a politician!

  [Cheering and applause]