The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Engagement Reaction (2011)
Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz
Photos
Quotes
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Howard Wolowitz : Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : What?
Howard Wolowitz : It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz : Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz : You can't take that personally.
Penny : How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz : What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz : Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
[Priya and Raj enter]
Priya Koothrappali : What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
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Howard Wolowitz : Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein : Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Me? Why me?
Howard Wolowitz : Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard Wolowitz : Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein : You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein : Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
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Penny : You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard Wolowitz : I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny : Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz : What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz : My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this.
[clutches his chest]
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Bernadette Rostenkowski : [about Mrs. Wolowitz] She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard Wolowitz : Where are you going?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : [sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz] To the toilet! Is that okay with you!
[she exits]
Howard Wolowitz : [to Raj and Leonard] Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
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[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper : [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali : He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter : [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali : Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali : Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz : [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali : [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper : [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali : Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali : Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali : Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper : Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz : If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
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[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon Cooper : The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali : Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski : You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper : Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz : He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper : "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
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[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper : [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali : Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz : [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali : Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter : [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper : Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali : Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali : Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper : Last one
Raj Koothrappali : I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
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Howard Wolowitz : Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz : Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter : Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz : You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
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Bernadette Rostenkowski : How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
Howard Wolowitz : It's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
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Bernadette Rostenkowski : You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, do you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard Wolowitz : And are you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
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Leonard Hofstadter : What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz : Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali : Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz : [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali : Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz : Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
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Howard Wolowitz : It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny : What's the difference?
Sheldon : A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
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Sheldon Cooper : [at the hospital] Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard Wolowitz : What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon Cooper : Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fiancée is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home.
Sheldon Cooper : Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard Wolowitz : No!
Sheldon Cooper : This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.