Quotes
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Sue Sylvester : [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent.
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Will Schuester : [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank.
Sue Sylvester : That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
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Sue Sylvester : [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body.
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Sue Sylvester : [voiceover] Dear journal, something strange happened yesterday. I felt something below the neck. Dare I admit it? I have feelings for one Will Schuester. Sexy, non-murdering feelings.
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Will Schuester : [singing "Tell Me Something Good" to Sue] So... you feel anything there?
Sue Sylvester : No.
Will Schuester : Was I... too dirty?
Sue Sylvester : I didn't notice. I was bored.
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Sue Sylvester : Let me break it down for you, William. You're standing at a crossroads. You have two choices. Number one: this trophy will be installed in the choir room in a custom-built bulletproof case as a daily reminder of your failure as a man and an educator.
Will Schuester : And what's choice number two?
Sue Sylvester : You can kiss me, right here on the lips, with tongue.
Will Schuester : This is payback, isn't it?
[she smirks]
Will Schuester : No one will know? Fine.
[they lean in to kiss, when she suddenly stops]
Sue Sylvester : You know what? I'm not gonna do this. Even your breath stinks of mediocrity. It's making me sick.
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Sue Sylvester : So, have you come to gloat?
Will Schuester : I, uh... I hear you're pulling out of Nationals, Sue. You know, for some of your girls, that's going to have some really big consequences.
Sue Sylvester : I'm tired of those kids. I devoted my life to them. And what have I got to show for it?
Will Schuester : Five consecutive national championships.
Will Schuester : Oh, big deal. I'm alone, William. I don't even like you and I was willing to jump at the chance to be with you. And, you know, for a second, I saw a flash of something. I pictured myself living a normal life. Having someone to come home to every night. And though I completely loathe you, you'd make a great trophy husband. And as you can see by my décor, I love me some trophies.
Will Schuester : Sue, I did what I did to you out of anger. I thought destroying you would pull me out of my funk. But... just made things worse.
Sue Sylvester : So is that an apology?
Will Schuester : Yes, it is. And you're not alone, Sue. Your kids need you, so you do have love in your life.
Sue Sylvester : My kids don't love me. They fear me.
Will Schuester : But you love them, Sue.
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Sue Sylvester : How dare you! You led me on. You told me you had feelings for me, then you ask me out, you don't show up, humiliating me. In public.
Will Schuester : Gosh, Sue, I wonder where I learned how to do all that. You meddled around in my marriage, you terrorize the glee club, you continue to sabotage my relationship with Emma. I tried playing nice, but nothing seems to work with you. Cruelty was the only way to get your attention. I have no interest in dating you, Sue. You're a bully and you're mean to kids.
Sue Sylvester : I'm mean to everyone!
Will Schuester : Yeah, well, fine. Consider this a little taste of what you love dishing out. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Sue Sylvester : [he shows her the door] This is uncalled for, William.
Will Schuester : Good night, Sue.
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Will Schuester : Jesse cared about you.
Rachel Berry : No, he didn't. Our entire relationship was just some diabolical plan. They knew if they broke my heart close enough to the competition, that I'd lose my will to live, and then New Directions would have no chance at winning Regionals. It's textbook; you destroy the heart of the team's heart and you destroy the team.
Will Schuester : [voiceover as Rachel continues, under] Sandy told me how to beat Vocal Adrenaline, and now Rachel was inadvertently telling me how to beat my other nemesis. Suddenly, I wasn't feeling nearly as depressed.
[cut to him working in the choir room]
Sue Sylvester : [entering] William, I'm gonna have to ask you to clear out. I received an anonymous tip from someone who wants to meet me here to discuss an illegal Hot Cheetos ring. Hot Cheetos have been proven to raise endorphins, which makes for happy kids, and I can't have that.
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Principal Figgins : These students have committed a felony. They are hereby expelled.
Shelby Corcoran : Look, I don't want anyone to get expelled. I'm not going to press charges as long as you pay for the damage. You can take it out of the glee club budget.
Will Schuester : That'll bankrupt the glee club. We don't have that kind of money.
Finn Hudson : We'll get jobs. Give us a month. We'll... we'll pay you back, Ms. Corcoran, I promise.
Shelby Corcoran : Fine.
Principal Figgins : Ms. Corcoran, you are as wise and maganimous as you are beautiful.
Will Schuester : [Shelby leaves] Thank you.
Sue Sylvester : Well, you just can't win, can you, William? You never have, and you never will.
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Tina Cohen-Chang : I feel so violated. It's like someone broke into our home.
Will Schuester : Look, it was jut a lame little prank. And the fact that they're trying to get to us means maybe we got them spooked.
Mercedes Jones : Uh-uh, Mr. Schue. They aren't afraid of anything. That number they did was fantastic. You know, which doesn't make any sense. They had all that equipment. How did they even get in?
Sue Sylvester : [entering] I gave 'em all keys. Helped them do a sound check over the weekend.
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Sue Sylvester : Hey, this way, fellas. Let's punch out this wall here. That'll open up the space a little bit.
Will Schuester : Sue, what are you doing?
Sue Sylvester : I can't talk to you now, William. Drafting class is helping me redecorate around here. You see, I have Nationals over the weekend, and I expect to return with a comically large first place trophy for which I have absolutely no room in my trophy case. As soon as you hurry up and lose at regionals, this choir room will become my official trophy annex.
[to the Drafting students]
Sue Sylvester : You know what it has to look like? Elvis' gold record room at Graceland. Except I'll be wanting far fewer morbidly obese white women waddling around and crying.
Will Schuester : Sue, get out of my room.
Sue Sylvester : Glee Clubbers, for those of you whose hearing has not been damaged by massive doses of Acutane, listen up. In a few weeks, Glee Club will be finished. Now, how do I know that? Well, I recently checked the odds with my Vegas bookie, who told me that you're 40-1 underdogs at regionals. You are going to lose, and your dreams will be crushed.
Will Schuester : Sue, can I see your trophy?
Sue Sylvester : Sure, Will. Hope and dream.
[taking the trophy, he hurls it against the wall]
Will Schuester : You dropped your trophy, Sue.
