Ted Lasso (TV Series)

No Weddings and a Funeral (2021)

Jason Sudeikis: Ted Lasso

Quotes 

• Dr. Sharon Fieldstone : [on Ted's father]  I'm curious about something. What was he like?

  Ted Lasso : He was a good man, you know. Real chatterbox, believe it or not. Probably could have been a little bit better listening box at times.

  Dr. Sharon Fieldstone : What did you love about him?

  Ted Lasso : [frowns]  Why?

  Dr. Sharon Fieldstone : You told me what you hate about him. I'd love to hear something you remember that made you feel good.

  [pause] 

  Ted Lasso : When I was in fifth or sixth grade, there was this book called "Johnny Tremain", and our homework for, like, a month was to read this book. At the end of the month, I hadn't read a lick of it, you know? And we had a test, big test, like, the next day. And the night before, I was anxious as all heck and I couldn't sleep, and my dad starts getting after me about that. And I start crying. And he's like, "Whoa, buddy, what's wrong? What's wrong?" And I tell him what's up, and he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Just go up to your room, lay your head on your pillow, and think about something you're looking forward to." So that's what I did. Next morning, I wake up, and he says, "Hey, you ain't gonna ride your bike to school, I'm gonna drive you." And I'm like, all right. And on the way to school, he talks me through the entire book, like it's a bedtime story or something. 'Cause he stayed up all night, the whole night, reading the whole damn thing, 'cause he didn't want his little boy stressed out over some stupid, silly test. And I ended up getting an A. Boom.

  [Ted and Dr. Sharon share a smile] 

  Ted Lasso : He was a good dad. And I don't think he knew that. I think if he would've known how good he was at stuff he didn't really care about being good at, he... I don't think he would've done what he...

  [starts to cry] 

  Ted Lasso : And I wish I would've told him. I wish I would've told him more. I was just so angry at him. 'Cause he was always gone at work and just out with friends or something like that, and then he was gone. And I knew right then and there that I was never gonna let anybody get by me without understanding they might be hurting inside, you know. 'Cause life, it's hard... it's real hard...

• Ted Lasso : [after an emotional breakthrough in therapy]  Are you gonna charge me for this session?

  Dr. Sharon Fieldstone : Of course I am. House call.

  Ted Lasso : I appreciate your integrity.

• Keeley Jones : So where do you think her father is right now?

  Roy Kent : In the drawer of a funeral home.

  Keeley Jones : No. I mean, like, spiritually.

  Roy Kent : In the drawer of a funeral home.

  Ted Lasso : You know, growing up, I used to believe that if you did good things, you went to Heaven, you did bad things, you went to Hell. Nowadays, I know we all just do both, so wherever he is, I hope he's happy.

  Higgins : I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge and humans are the pets. I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire at Cindy Clawford's feet.

  Nathan Shelley : I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger, and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.

  Coach Beard : You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.

  Roy Kent : Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again. You live, you die, you're done. Good night.