Better Off Ted (TV Series)

Pilot (2009)

Andrea Anders: Linda Zwordling

Photos 

Quotes 

• Linda Zwordling : I also scratched 'place scrotum here' on the lunchroom table. But then, that just became the thing to do.

• Ted Crisp : [narrating]  The next step for any product is testing. Testing is one of the things Linda does for us.

  Linda Zwordling : People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.

  Ted Crisp : Squirming, or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?

  Linda Zwordling : Ted, I know you're an R&D legend with magical R&D powers, but the chair, just no.

  Ted Crisp : [breaking the fourth wall, walking through the office]  Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up.

• Ted Crisp : When people can't get comfortable, they don't daydream or get distracted. So, they're more productive.

  Linda Zwordling : And more filled with hate.

• Ted Crisp : If I'm gonna ask Phil to do something potentially dangerous, I need to make sure that it's potentially safe. So I've asked Linda to check out the data.

  Linda Zwordling : [he enters her cubicle, where she's on the phone]  No. The zebra and the toaster are friends.

  [as he clears his throat, she realizes he's there] 

  Linda Zwordling : I have to go. No. That makes the toaster too mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore.

  [hanging up] 

  Linda Zwordling : Hi. Is that a new... shirt?

  Ted Crisp : Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that that phone call wasn't odd.

• Linda Zwordling : Do you know that they send us the phone bills for our non-work-related calls? They don't charge us for 'em. They just want us to know that they know we're making 'em. Can a company be bitchy?

  Ted Crisp : Is that why you steal creamer?

  Linda Zwordling : Yes. It's an act of rebellion.

• Veronica Palmer : Did I surprise you? I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person.

  Linda Zwordling : I didn't think you know my name.

  Veronica Palmer : Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling.

  Linda Zwordling : Zwordling

  Veronica Palmer : Fine. You know your own name better than I do. Yah!