- Linda Zwordling: I also scratched 'place scrotum here' on the lunchroom table. But then, that just became the thing to do.
- Veronica Palmer: We need a mouse that can stand temperatures up to 195 degrees.
- Ted Crisp: [breaking the fourth wall] We can do that.
- [to Veronica]
- Ted Crisp: Uh, computer mouse or live mouse?
- Veronica Palmer: [not sure] I'll get back to you.
- Ted Crisp: [narrating] Every day, there's something new waiting to be discovered.
- Veronica Palmer: [entering his office] Computer mouse.
- Ted Crisp: Easier.
- Ted Crisp: We do everything: industrial products, biomedical, cryogenics, defense technology.
- Veronica Palmer: [entering his office] We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
- Ted Crisp: Then so do I. Because?
- Veronica Palmer: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
- Ted Crisp: Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
- Ted Crisp: [in a meeting to figure out how to weaponize a pumpkin] Okay, people. We need to turn this simple, festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how nature does it, because nature is a fantastic killer of things.
- Veronica Palmer: Ted, the drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.
- Ted Crisp: It's a good texture, coloration. Maybe a breakfast meat.
- Veronica Palmer: Are you serious? We want to be in that business.
- Ted Crisp: No. You... you have to lighten up.
- Veronica Palmer: Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.
- Lem Hewitt: I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet? That proximity was so elegant.
- Phil Myman: They think if it's harder to reach that we'll use less of it.
- Lem Hewitt: They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me. Used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.
- Ted Crisp: Hey, fellas. See if you can make this fabric into a line of office chairs. It's very strong and, well, dark.
- Lem Hewitt: Do you think I don't fight injustice enough?
- Ted Crisp: Is this about the sandwich? Because I think instinctively, you knew you wouldn't have won that. Your mom's tough.
- Lem Hewitt: She once killed a bat with a "People" magazine.
- Ted Crisp: [narrating] The next step for any product is testing. Testing is one of the things Linda does for us.
- Linda Zwordling: People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.
- Ted Crisp: Squirming, or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?
- Linda Zwordling: Ted, I know you're an R&D legend with magical R&D powers, but the chair, just no.
- Ted Crisp: [breaking the fourth wall, walking through the office] Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up.
- Ted Crisp: When people can't get comfortable, they don't daydream or get distracted. So, they're more productive.
- Linda Zwordling: And more filled with hate.
- Ted Crisp: [narrating] Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin? Or an irritating chair that makes people work harder? Thing is, work's not about right and wrong. It's about success or failure.
- Veronica Palmer: [entering his office] Your department's using too much creamer.
- Ted Crisp: Does it matter?
- Veronica Palmer: It's not Katrina, but it is a problem.
- Phil Myman: [entering] Ted, there's been a spill.
- [realizing Veronica is there]
- Phil Myman: Oh, hi, Veronica. It's nothing.
- Veronica Palmer: We want to freeze Phil.
- Ted Crisp: Excuse me?
- Veronica Palmer: Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year, to see if it's possible. We think it is.
- Ted Crisp: You *think* it's possible?
- Veronica Palmer: Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding. And, fingers crossed, we're ready for human testing.
- Ted Crisp: Your presentation sucks. And why Phil?
- Veronica Palmer: Well, for P.R. reasons, they want an employee. And in the unlikely event something goes wrong, well, there are people here we would, you know, miss more.
- Ted Crisp: Well, you be sure to tell him that when you try to get him to do it.
- [seeing her expression]
- Ted Crisp: I see where this is going.
- Veronica Palmer: Your guys will do anything for you, Ted. They've got... what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty! This is huge for us. You need to make it happen.
- Ted Crisp: Well, I'll try. But Phil hates the cold and he freaks out in small spaces, so this assignment is not ideal for him.
- Veronica Palmer: Yeah. Well, they originally suggested Lem. But freeze the black guy? They're not stupid.
- Ted Crisp: If I'm gonna ask Phil to do something potentially dangerous, I need to make sure that it's potentially safe. So I've asked Linda to check out the data.
- Linda Zwordling: [he enters her cubicle, where she's on the phone] No. The zebra and the toaster are friends.
- [as he clears his throat, she realizes he's there]
- Linda Zwordling: I have to go. No. That makes the toaster too mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore.
- [hanging up]
- Linda Zwordling: Hi. Is that a new... shirt?
- Ted Crisp: Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that that phone call wasn't odd.
- Linda Zwordling: Do you know that they send us the phone bills for our non-work-related calls? They don't charge us for 'em. They just want us to know that they know we're making 'em. Can a company be bitchy?
- Ted Crisp: Is that why you steal creamer?
- Linda Zwordling: Yes. It's an act of rebellion.
- Ted Crisp: Did you do your math homework?
- Rose Crisp: Yes.
- Ted Crisp: Six times eight?
- Rose Crisp: Yes, that was one of them.
- Ted Crisp: Would you do it? Would you do something like this and leave me?
- Rose Crisp: [breaking the fourth wall] When Rose was four, her mom left us to go save the world. That's been hard for Rose. Frankly, not so great for the world, either.
- Ted Crisp: I would never leave you. Ever.
- Rose Crisp: I know. We've discussed this. You're a great dad. But it's wrong to ask Phil to do something you wouldn't do.
- Ted Crisp: You're right. You're always right, because stupidly, I taught you right and wrong.
- Ted Crisp: Just tell 'em you don't want to do it. They can't force employees to participate in human experiments. They lost that court case.
- Phil Myman: But I want to do it.
- Ted Crisp: What? Phil, that's crazy.
- Lem Hewitt: Thank you. See? I'm not the only one.
- Ted Crisp: Listen, Veronica. About firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.
- Veronica Palmer: You're right. Wait 'till the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for payroll.
- Veronica Palmer: Hi, Phil. I hear you're blinking again. Good for you.
- [to Ted]
- Veronica Palmer: Why is he still here?
- Ted Crisp: Because, Veronica, I'm not firing him.
- Veronica Palmer: But they want you to fire him.
- Ted Crisp: I don't care. It's just wrong.
- Veronica Palmer: So then you're saying no to them? That's an interesting career choice.
- Ted Crisp: Phil doesn't deserve to be fired. He's incredibly smart, he's hard-working. He let us freeze him! He's the last guy that deserves to be fired, and I'm standing by him.
- [as an after-effect of the freezing, Phil inexplicably starts screaming]
- Ted Crisp: Dude! You're not helping me.
- Veronica Palmer: Veridian Dynamics. Everyday something we make makes your life better. Power. We make that. Technology-we make that. Cows-Well, no, we don't make cows. Although, we have made a sheep... And medicines... And airplane engines... And whatever this...
- [image of a complicated machine]
- Veronica Palmer: And all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better.
- [image of a missile destroying a building]
- Veronica Palmer: Usually. Veridian Dynamics. Life. Better.
- Veronica Palmer: Did I surprise you? I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person.
- Linda Zwordling: I didn't think you know my name.
- Veronica Palmer: Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling.
- Linda Zwordling: Zwordling
- Veronica Palmer: Fine. You know your own name better than I do. Yah!