Better Off Ted (TV Series)

Pilot (2009)

Jonathan Slavin: Phil Myman

Quotes 

• Lem Hewitt : I'm so angry about the toilet paper. Why couldn't they leave it next to the toilet? That proximity was so elegant.

  Phil Myman : They think if it's harder to reach that we'll use less of it.

  Lem Hewitt : They've destroyed going to the bathroom for me. Used to be just a weird human function. Now it's actively stressful.

• Ted Crisp : [narrating]  Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin? Or an irritating chair that makes people work harder? Thing is, work's not about right and wrong. It's about success or failure.

  Veronica Palmer : [entering his office]  Your department's using too much creamer.

  Ted Crisp : Does it matter?

  Veronica Palmer : It's not Katrina, but it is a problem.

  Phil Myman : [entering]  Ted, there's been a spill.

  [realizing Veronica is there] 

  Phil Myman : Oh, hi, Veronica. It's nothing.

• Ted Crisp : Just tell 'em you don't want to do it. They can't force employees to participate in human experiments. They lost that court case.

  Phil Myman : But I want to do it.

  Ted Crisp : What? Phil, that's crazy.

  Lem Hewitt : Thank you. See? I'm not the only one.