Better Off Ted (TV Series)
Pilot (2009)
Jay Harrington: Ted Crisp
Photos
Quotes
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Veronica Palmer : We need a mouse that can stand temperatures up to 195 degrees.
Ted Crisp : [breaking the fourth wall] We can do that.
[to Veronica]
Ted Crisp : Uh, computer mouse or live mouse?
Veronica Palmer : [not sure] I'll get back to you.
Ted Crisp : [narrating] Every day, there's something new waiting to be discovered.
Veronica Palmer : [entering his office] Computer mouse.
Ted Crisp : Easier.
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Ted Crisp : We do everything: industrial products, biomedical, cryogenics, defense technology.
Veronica Palmer : [entering his office] We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted Crisp : Then so do I. Because?
Veronica Palmer : There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted Crisp : Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
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Ted Crisp : [in a meeting to figure out how to weaponize a pumpkin] Okay, people. We need to turn this simple, festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how nature does it, because nature is a fantastic killer of things.
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Veronica Palmer : Ted, the drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.
Ted Crisp : It's a good texture, coloration. Maybe a breakfast meat.
Veronica Palmer : Are you serious? We want to be in that business.
Ted Crisp : No. You... you have to lighten up.
Veronica Palmer : Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.
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Ted Crisp : Hey, fellas. See if you can make this fabric into a line of office chairs. It's very strong and, well, dark.
Lem Hewitt : Do you think I don't fight injustice enough?
Ted Crisp : Is this about the sandwich? Because I think instinctively, you knew you wouldn't have won that. Your mom's tough.
Lem Hewitt : She once killed a bat with a "People" magazine.
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Ted Crisp : [narrating] The next step for any product is testing. Testing is one of the things Linda does for us.
Linda Zwordling : People are squirming. The fabric's not comfortable.
Ted Crisp : Squirming, or are they just enjoying it so much they want their whole body to rub against it?
Linda Zwordling : Ted, I know you're an R&D legend with magical R&D powers, but the chair, just no.
Ted Crisp : [breaking the fourth wall, walking through the office] Never give up. That's what I always tell my daughter. She tells me to stop telling her, but I tell her I can't, because that would be giving up.
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Ted Crisp : When people can't get comfortable, they don't daydream or get distracted. So, they're more productive.
Linda Zwordling : And more filled with hate.
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Ted Crisp : [narrating] Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin? Or an irritating chair that makes people work harder? Thing is, work's not about right and wrong. It's about success or failure.
Veronica Palmer : [entering his office] Your department's using too much creamer.
Ted Crisp : Does it matter?
Veronica Palmer : It's not Katrina, but it is a problem.
Phil Myman : [entering] Ted, there's been a spill.
[realizing Veronica is there]
Phil Myman : Oh, hi, Veronica. It's nothing.
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Veronica Palmer : We want to freeze Phil.
Ted Crisp : Excuse me?
Veronica Palmer : Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year, to see if it's possible. We think it is.
Ted Crisp : You *think* it's possible?
Veronica Palmer : Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding. And, fingers crossed, we're ready for human testing.
Ted Crisp : Your presentation sucks. And why Phil?
Veronica Palmer : Well, for P.R. reasons, they want an employee. And in the unlikely event something goes wrong, well, there are people here we would, you know, miss more.
Ted Crisp : Well, you be sure to tell him that when you try to get him to do it.
[seeing her expression]
Ted Crisp : I see where this is going.
Veronica Palmer : Your guys will do anything for you, Ted. They've got... what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty! This is huge for us. You need to make it happen.
Ted Crisp : Well, I'll try. But Phil hates the cold and he freaks out in small spaces, so this assignment is not ideal for him.
Veronica Palmer : Yeah. Well, they originally suggested Lem. But freeze the black guy? They're not stupid.
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Ted Crisp : If I'm gonna ask Phil to do something potentially dangerous, I need to make sure that it's potentially safe. So I've asked Linda to check out the data.
Linda Zwordling : [he enters her cubicle, where she's on the phone] No. The zebra and the toaster are friends.
[as he clears his throat, she realizes he's there]
Linda Zwordling : I have to go. No. That makes the toaster too mean. He's not a sociopath, he just doesn't want to make toast anymore.
[hanging up]
Linda Zwordling : Hi. Is that a new... shirt?
Ted Crisp : Oh, that's cool. Let's pretend that that phone call wasn't odd.
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Linda Zwordling : Do you know that they send us the phone bills for our non-work-related calls? They don't charge us for 'em. They just want us to know that they know we're making 'em. Can a company be bitchy?
Ted Crisp : Is that why you steal creamer?
Linda Zwordling : Yes. It's an act of rebellion.
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Ted Crisp : Did you do your math homework?
Rose Crisp : Yes.
Ted Crisp : Six times eight?
Rose Crisp : Yes, that was one of them.
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Ted Crisp : Would you do it? Would you do something like this and leave me?
Rose Crisp : [breaking the fourth wall] When Rose was four, her mom left us to go save the world. That's been hard for Rose. Frankly, not so great for the world, either.
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Ted Crisp : I would never leave you. Ever.
Rose Crisp : I know. We've discussed this. You're a great dad. But it's wrong to ask Phil to do something you wouldn't do.
Ted Crisp : You're right. You're always right, because stupidly, I taught you right and wrong.
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Ted Crisp : Just tell 'em you don't want to do it. They can't force employees to participate in human experiments. They lost that court case.
Phil Myman : But I want to do it.
Ted Crisp : What? Phil, that's crazy.
Lem Hewitt : Thank you. See? I'm not the only one.
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Ted Crisp : Listen, Veronica. About firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.
Veronica Palmer : You're right. Wait 'till the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for payroll.
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Veronica Palmer : Hi, Phil. I hear you're blinking again. Good for you.
[to Ted]
Veronica Palmer : Why is he still here?
Ted Crisp : Because, Veronica, I'm not firing him.
Veronica Palmer : But they want you to fire him.
Ted Crisp : I don't care. It's just wrong.
Veronica Palmer : So then you're saying no to them? That's an interesting career choice.
Ted Crisp : Phil doesn't deserve to be fired. He's incredibly smart, he's hard-working. He let us freeze him! He's the last guy that deserves to be fired, and I'm standing by him.
[as an after-effect of the freezing, Phil inexplicably starts screaming]
Ted Crisp : Dude! You're not helping me.
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Ted Crisp : Cindy, Lester, Jerry, you're with Dr. Bhamba on this. The rest of you, you're welcome.
