Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Thank God for Scoliosis (2009)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [referring to resisting the temptation to romance his receptionist]  I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the "Blue Man Group".

  Charlie Harper : [turns aside and yells]  Berta! Hide the vacuum cleaner!

• Berta : Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.

  Charlie Harper : You're kidding. TV's "Kojak"?

  Berta : One and the same.

  Charlie Harper : What happened?

  Berta : What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.

  Charlie Harper : That's rough.

  Berta : You bet your ass it's rough.

  [Alan walks in] 

  Alan Harper : 'Morning.

  Charlie Harper : 'Morning.

  Berta : So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.

  Alan Harper : Thanks for telling her.

  Charlie Harper : Thanks for telling *me*.

  Berta : Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.