Man, there's these spooky weird doors from outer space. How do you know they're spooky? Because of the ominous music that plays whenever the camera looks at them. Once people look at the door, all intelligence leaves the area. You know how if you find yourself trapped in a horror movie, never be the guy who goes down into the basement alone to investigate that weird noise, right? Well, the people who live in the movie never saw a horror movie in their life, apparently. They see a door that is writhing, throbbing, emitting weird sounds, and they not only nonchalantly walk up to it, they stand there and look at it until it kills everyone. And no one seems freaked out by this.
The movie is broken down into 4 vignettes. First is a high school setting. Half a dozen kids in the library. Alarms go off. Phones ring but no one knows whats going on. (Because it is a MYSTERY!) One kid acts like he is high. They leave library and in the hallway is a throbbing writhing wall of tentacles and iron filings moving throuh a magnetic field.
Do they scream? Run? Turn around? Anything that normal people would do? No. They stare at it. Eventually the kid who acts like he's high gets into a fight and pushes two kids at the door, and they vanish. Does the remaining kid scream? Run away? Get away from the kid who did the pushing? Do anything a normal kid would do? No. They stay and of course eventually the kid pushes them into the door and they dissappear too. End of vignette #1.
Vignette #2. Weeks later, half the worlds population has dissappeared. The government asks for volunteers (called "knockers" because "door knockers"... get it? GET IT???) And we follow three knuckleheads in tyvek suits and gas masks go through a door. Just before they go, they are told they have to come back in less than 12 minutes or they die. Does anyone pause? Stop and consider the gravity of what they are doing? Do anything that normal human beings would do? No. They waltz through the door. On the other side, the first immediate genius move these three morons make is to split up and go in separate directions. And then, true to the horror movie trope, they all succumb to door madness. And die. End of vignette 2.
Vignette 3. Some guy who lives in the woods found a door in his woods. If you find a door, you are supposed to report it. But this guy is a super genius and doesnt tell anyone. He sets up some audio equipment next to the door and pipes his voice through a stereo equalizer, and Ta da! He can talk to the door. He is so excited he invites a friend over. The friend comes over. And brings her boyfriend who was not invited and immediately trips every "wound too tight jerk" vibe. Guy shows them his door. Wound too tight guy immediately texts his cop friend to come over. Who immediately shows up and starts waving a gun around. Wound-to-tight guy gets shot in an act of writer-bestowed-justice, and then something kills the cop. Maybe the door. Maybe the girlfriend. It was so stupid I didnt even care enough to rewind and find out. End of vignette 3.
Vignette 4. A podcaster? Or vlogger? Of maybe a pirate radio dj? Has a video interview with some guy he thinks is an "expert". But the expert is immediately acting like he is high. This should immediately raise red flags to the audience. And the DJ might stop and ask if the guy is sober or something. But nope. He plows through oblivious. The expert tells the DJ that the doors are "arbiters" and "judges" and keeps dropping these ominous sounding terms. And every time the DJ says "that sounds scary", the expert says, like some dude baked out of his mind, "dude, lighten up dude." "The doors are awesome. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. This is awesome". "You are being assimilated right now".
And then the DJ gets up, starts acting weird, takes off his pants and walks up stairs. End of vignette3.
End of movie. Roll credits.
If you think i forgot to explain the plot, no. I didnt. There is no plot. No one does anything except get destroyed by the door. Over and over again, people see terrifying things happen and they just stand there until something terrifying happens to them.
What are the doors? Who cares. They are a mystery box. And i mean that in the worst possible way. JJ Abrams coined the term "mystery box" in a youtube video talking about how he went into a magic trinket store as a kid and they had a "mystery box" of some magic trick props for ten bucks. And he says how he was infatuated with the mystery and it made it more valuable in his mind. So he bought the box and never opened it. And he was so impressed with how infatuated he was by the mystery box that he used pointless mystery boxes in many of his movies and shows instead of actual plot and character development. You remember the insanity that was the ending of "Lost"? That was JJ Abrams and his mystery box.
"Doors" is is clearly infatuated with the mystery box to the point that they didnt think they needed anything else. No plot. No characters. No development. No growth. Nothing. Just doors that show up. And people keep staring at them until the door eats them. The. End.
If you took out the "spooky" sound effects so you dont have the movie telling you how you should feel, you quickly become bored watching idiots staring at obviously dangerous things until the thing inevitably kills them.
For decades, i have carried around "Mars Attacks" as the worst movie of all time. I didnt think it possible, but "Doors" now carries the Worst Movie of all time banner.
For the love of god and all that is holy, do not waste your time watching this movie. It is money and time you could spend on other more enjoyable and entertaining endeavors, such as regrouting your bathroom.
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