Metalocalypse (TV Series)

Performance Klok (2006)

Brendon Small: Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles the Drummer, Nathan Explosion

Quotes 

• Nathan Explosion : [Toki is laying down his guitar tracks in the studio; Nathan interrupts him]  Do it again, Toki! Take 164.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [Toki tries the same track and pops a string; there is a brief pause]  Just let me record it. Each take is worse, he's slowly learning how to un-play the guitar.

  Toki Wartooth : I can hear dat, the talk-back mike is on.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Pickle, please let me know when the talk-back mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to cries-babies house for vacation.

  Toki Wartooth : I can still hear you.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?

  Toki Wartooth : Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.

• Toki Wartooth : [after being insulted by Skwisgaar]  I can still hear you.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?

  Toki Wartooth : Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award to be honest.

• Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Is this the way you normally record?

  Nathan Explosion : Well, yeah.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : What, you just push little Toki around?

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah. He lets us.

  William Murderface : Yeah, he likes it!

  Nathan Explosion : Yeah. Well, I mean, what's, I - what's wrong with that?

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics.

  [Toki stands in front of Nathan's mic and puts on a pair of headphones] 

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [sotto voce to Pickles]  This idea is dildoes.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band.

  Toki Wartooth : No, thanks.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that.

  Toki Wartooth : Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Are you kidding me? You are now the lead singer! Go! Make up some lyrics! One, two, three, go!

  [Toki sings off-key and out of tempo as the band angrily looks on and Twinkletits claps] 

• Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [Rolling back and forth in his office chair. Murderface's eyes follow his movement]  Your band is in trouble. You're on the verge of destroying *each other*! You're a bunch of jungle monkeys! You're hurtin' each other's feelings! And why? Why? At the end of the day, what's - what's so great about that? 'Cause you know what that tells me? "I ain't okay with myself. I'm not okay with this guy over here." It literally makes me ill, to see people do that - you're a family! You are! You know that? Hey, then if you don't want that, Jack, there's the door. Take a walk, take a hike. I *know* what I'm talkin' about, 'cause I was in a band once.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Well, I bet you guys totally sucked. The worst band ever of all...

  [Twinkletits backhands him across the face] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [suddenly livid]  I'm in charge of you now, ya ugly idiots. I'm here to help you! And you *need* help. Why? Because you're weak. You're terrified. And you're outta control. One small move and you could lose everything. *Everything*! Is that what you want?

  [the band is dumbstruck; Twinkletits returns to normal] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [Suddenly cheerful]  Good. Then let's begin, shall we?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [holding his jaw]  You slapped at my face.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [singsong voice]  No, I didn't.

• Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [after Murderface smashes a guitar in a rage]  What happened back there?

  William Murderface : I don't care.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Hey, I've got an idea.

  [he takes off his glasses] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Let's "rock talk."

  William Murderface : No.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Come on. Don't you wanna get in touch with, you know, your - your inner dude?

  William Murderface : No, thanks. I hate that guy.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's "rock talk" about that.

  William Murderface : I don't wanna.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Hm. What a shame. You know, I... guess I'll just have to, you know...

  [he gets up and shakes his banana sticker container] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : ... hold on to all these banana stickers. I've got, like a million...

  William Murderface : Okay, I'll "rock talk."

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [condescendingly]  Good! I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when -

  [he chuckles] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : - when Murderface was a little tiny boy.

  William Murderface : Well, okay. Here goes.

  Murderface's Father : [flashback to Murderface's childhood. Murderface is an infant in a high chair, giggling and cooing over his food. Baby music plays in the background, but suddenly changes to horror-movie music as Murderface's father runs across the screen, toting a chainsaw]  How could I have ever married you?

  [Murderface's mother starts shrieking as the chainsaw revs] 

  Murderface's Father : I kill you!

  [Murderface's mother lets out a bloodcurdling scream] 

  Murderface's Father : Here goes!

  [Murderface's father runs back across the screen, soaked in blood] 

  Murderface's Father : And now I kill myself! First my left leg!

  [the chainsaw revs] 

  Murderface's Father : Good! Now the right!

  [the chainsaw revs] 

  Murderface's Father : Now the arm!

  [the chainsaw revs] 

  Murderface's Father : Now my face!

  [the chainsaw revs one more time] 

  Murderface's Father : Aaaaagggghhhh!

  William Murderface : [return to present. Murderface looks at Twinkletits as he wets himself. Twinkletits hands him a banana sticker]  Yeah, that was good "rock talk."

• Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [upbeat]  All right, we got a lotta work to do today, because... we're going on tour!

  Nathan Explosion : Hey! We been thinkin'. Not very hard, but... you're fired. Yeah. We hate you.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [scoffs in disbelief]  I'm sorry... what?

  William Murderface : Hey, it's not that bad. You know, I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing. You're a real dick, and I appreciate that. But we never wanna see you again, you ugly idiot dick!

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Hold on for a second. I am your therapist!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Hey, I ain't no therapist, but I hate your moustache.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Don't you want... a banana sticker?

  [indicates his sticker container/belt buckle] 

  Nathan Explosion : We won't be needing your banana stickers!

  [Murderface pushes a chest towards Nathan, who kicks it open, revealing a multitude of banana stickers] 

  Nathan Explosion : We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : You sons of bitches. How dare you, I *am* the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick *you* out! You're all fired, you bunch of stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU!

  [he raises his pen like a knife and rushes at the band, but he slips on a banana sticker and flies through a window] 

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [he hits the ground, unhurt]  I'm still alive! I'm still...

  [he catches sight of the snarling yard wolves and screams in terror] 

• Toki Wartooth : [the band is watching the yard wolves devour Twinkletits]  Look. The wol-ev-es eat him.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Yes, Toki. And his body will nourish the wolves.

  Toki Wartooth : I believe the cycle of learning... is complete.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

  Pickles the Drummer : Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [short pause]  I has no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten. Look at that right there.

  Nathan Explosion : [filming the scene with a video camera]  I loved him. I... can say that now.

  William Murderface : Now that he's dead...

  [starting to choke up] 

  William Murderface : ... it's much easier to say...

  [he sniffles] 

  William Murderface : ... emotional things about him.

  Pickles the Drummer : Gosh. Maybe this is weird to say, but... am I the only one who's being made to feel hungry by watching... this?

  Nathan Explosion : [pause]  Let's eat.

  [the eyes of every band member suddenly glow red] 

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Hey I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.

• Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : [on the phone]  This is John Twinkletits, remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm in another band now, and we're called Dethklok, so no big whoop, no big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, then again you probably can't because I KILLED YOU!

• Nathan Explosion : I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

  Pickles the Drummer : Can we give ourselves a raise?

  Nathan Explosion : Yeah. No, I found that out too.

  Pickles the Drummer : Well then, you know, I give myself a raise right now.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : I give myself a raise too.

  Toki Wartooth : I give myself a solid gold telephone!

  William Murderface : I give myself a bunch of boats, with a bunch of Vietnamese people on them, on fire.

• Nathan Explosion : You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me! Jeez! I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here. Go!

  Pickles the Drummer : Don't worry, I been tryin' to do that since you got here.

  Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits : Then it shouldn't be a problem, then, should it, *smartass*?

  [he raises his hand to slap Pickles] 

  Pickles the Drummer : Dude, no hitting.