Metalocalypse (TV Series)

The Curse of Dethklok (2006)

Brendon Small: Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles the Drummer, Nathan Explosion

Quotes 

• Toki Wartooth : What's this place called?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : This place, I believe, is called 'food libraries.'

  Toki Wartooth : Fooood... libraries...

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Fooood... libraries...

  Pickles the Drummer : It's called a grocery store you douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags, I got... I got low blood sugar.

• Nathan Explosion : We will make everything metal, we will make it blacker then the blackest black times infinity.

• Pickles : [holding a lobster]  Hold on, now, so yer telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die.

  Store Clerk : Yes, sir.

  Pickles : That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.

• Nathan Explosion : Brutal.

• Toki Wartooth : [gasps]  What's this place called?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : This is, I believes called, Food Libraries. Food Libraries.

  Toki Wartooth : Food Library.

  Pickles The Drummer : [yells]  It's called a Grocery Store, you douchebags!

  [regular volume] 

  Pickles The Drummer : I'm sorry about 'douchebags'. I got low blood sugar.

  Nathan Explosion : Alright, here's the deal. We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like all the regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish.

  [yells] 

  Nathan Explosion : And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.

  William Murderface : What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

  Toki Wartooth : You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

  William Murderface : [yells]  Yeah!

  Toki Wartooth : Wowee!

• Pickles the Drummer : By the power of the holiest of evils, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich!

• Pickles the Drummer : [pushing a cart full of liquor bottles]  Say, chief, this stuff good for soup?

  Grocery Store Clerk : No.

  Pickles the Drummer : Ahhh-ah! That's a yes!

• Toki Wartooth : [Toki and Skwisgaar are grocery shopping]  Who is "wal... nuts?"

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [Skwisgaar surreptitiously throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart]  Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket.

  [his voice barely conceals his amusement] 

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Guess why's you're in such a crappy mood: you have ladies' tampons... unside of it! And you buy them for yourself - go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems!

  Toki Wartooth : YOU lady, Skwisgaar!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : NO, I'M NOT!

• Jean-Pierre : [Jean-Pierre is presenting a bottle of wine to the band]  Uh, from the Prime Minister of Norway. There are several cases. The finest wi...

  Nathan Explosion : NOOOO! We never drink before a show; never!

  William Murderface : [Murderface takes the bottle and pours some wine into his goblet] 

  [slurring his words] 

  William Murderface : Well, I'll have just a little drink.

  Toki Wartooth : [Toki hoists a beer can]  Me, too.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [Skwisgaar has a few empty beer cans in front of him]  Me, too.

  Pickles the Drummer : [the table in front of Pickles is covered in empty liquor bottles]  Me, too.

  Nathan Explosion : [pause]  Me, too.

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : I love to laugh. Hi.

  GMILF : Hi.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Guess what you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to...

• Toki Wartooth : And then from the sorrow, far too, he blow he brain in.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : He blow he brain out.

  Toki Wartooth : Whatever.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Out.

  Toki Wartooth : It make a great album cover.

• Nathan Explosion : And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.

  William Murderface : What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

• Toki Wartooth : WOOOOWWW. What is dis Place?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : I think is called Fooood Library...

  Toki Wartooth : Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...

  Pickles the Drummer : IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,' I got low blood sugar.

• Toki Wartooth : What's this place called?

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : This is, I believes, called food libraries.

• Nathan Explosion : We are here to make coffee metal... We will make everything metal... Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity!

• Nathan Explosion : We are here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : All of our chefs, they has died a horrible death. What of that's do you t'ink?

  Jean-Pierre : I would rather have my brains scooped out with a melon baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.

• Reporter #1 : [series of news reports and TV interviews]  - live from Batsfjord, Norway, where over 300,000 fans have traveled to the Arctic Circle to see the legendary metal band Dethklok perform just one song.

  Reporter #2 : Surprisingly, the song itself is a jingle... a coffee jingle. Never before have so many people traveled so far for such a short song.

  Reporter #3 : - a coffee jingle for international coffee moguls the Duncan Hills Coffee Corporation. Is Dethklok selling out? "No!" says band frontman Nathan Explosion.

  Nathan Explosion : We're here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal! Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity!

  Reporter #2 : They're called "pain waivers." Fans are literally signing their life away, releasing Dethklok from any and all liability.

  Fan #1 : My eye got tore out and force-fed to me at a show. DETHKLOK RULES!

  Fan #2 : In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw 'em up onstage. Murderface rolled 'em up and smoked 'em! MURDERFACE!

  Reporter #1 : - dark clouds have rolled in. Static electricity is in the air. W-wait... wait a minute, it's... it's Dethklok! It's Dethklok!

• William Murderface : There's only one thing left to do: kill ourselves.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Dudes, we would like have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.

  Toki Wartooth : Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.

  Nathan Explosion : WHOA! Thats a good song title.

• [Nathan's voice booms over the supermarket's P.A. system] 

  Nathan Explosion : PRICE CHECK! Cleanup Aisle Six! "Rotten Body Landslide"!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Oh, that's great stuff.

  Nathan Explosion : And don't forget our special sale on "Every Bone Broken Chicken"! Hurry!

  [laughs] 

  Nathan Explosion : Enjoy our tasty "Hammer Smashed Face"! Aisle Three.

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [Putting coffee grounds into toaster]  What is wrong with this dumb dildos, they give us all the free coffee in the world and no instruction on how to cook it!

  [Throws toaster] 

• Toki Wartooth : What is wal... nuts.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket. Guess why yours in such a crappy mood, you have ladies tampons inside of it. If you buy them for yourself go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.

  Toki Wartooth : You a lady, Skwisgaar!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : *No I'm not!*

• Pickles the drummer : BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL, I COMMAND YOU TO AWAKEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

• Pickles : [holding uncooked lobster]  Okay, hold on now. So you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die?

  Clerk : Yes sir.

  Pickles : That is the most metal thing I've ever heard in my whole life. High five.

• [the Dethcopter approaches the concert area. A giant metal cube with spikes on its sides deploys out the back cargo hatch, four parachutes at the top corners slowing its descent over the target concert area. The crowd "oohs" and smiles, anticipating its arrival as its shadow passes over them. Halfway down, the parachutes detach and the cube with its skull motifs plummets. It strikes the gorund off target, crushing a portion of the crowd. Those in its immediate vicinity lay on the ground, dismembered. Music begins and the surviving crowd cheers enthusiastically. Three walls of the cube fall away, revealing Dethklok playing in the stage inside while simultaneously crushing even more audience members. Panels slide out behind the stage and three giant screens rise up showing identical close-ups of Nathan Explosion as he begins to sing their death-metal coffee jingle] 

  Nathan Explosion : [spoken]  Do you folks like coffee? *Real* coffee? From the hills of Columbia?

  Nathan Explosion : [sung]  Duncan Hills will wake you / From a thousand deaths / A cup of blackened blood

  Toki Wartooth : [close-up]  Die!

  William Murderface : [close-up]  Die!

  Nathan Explosion : You're dying for a cup / Guatemalan blend / Ethiopian / French vanilla roast

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : [close-up]  Die!

  William Murderface : [close-up]  Die!

  Nathan Explosion : You're dying for a cup / Prepare for ultimate flavor / You're gonna get some *now*! / And scream for your cream!

  [Skwisgaar Skwigelf plays guitar prominently as giant pots of coffee are poured onto the crowd, scalding off their flesh, followed by giant cup of creamer, then more coffee and more cream. Pyrotechnics are launched...] 

  Nathan Explosion : Duncan Hills / Duncan Hills

  [... a small explosion occurs in the pyrotechnics' control panel and two ricochet off each other in mid-air...] 

  Nathan Explosion : Duncan Hills

  [... with one heading towards the Dethcopter...] 

  Nathan Explosion : Coffee!

  [... where Jean-Pierre gasps as he sees it through a window heading for him. It smashes through the window, exploding where he stands, sending him straight up through the top of the Dethcopter...] 

  Jean-Pierre : Nooo...

  [... into its massive blades where he is chopped into twenty pieces, his cry cut short. Dethklok looks up, sees the explosion from the blast, then are startled as they get splattered with his blood. Additional explosions rock the Dethcopter as it slowly lists and falls, narrowly missing their stage] 

• [the chef offers wine to Dethklok] 

  Nathan Explosion : NOOOO! We never drink before a show, never!

  William Murderface : Well I've been drinkin' all day.

  Toki Wartooth : Me too.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Me too.

  Pickles The Drummer : Me too.

  Nathan Explosion : [Softly]  Me too.

• Nathan Explosion : We are here to make coffee metal! We will make everything metal, blacker than the blackest black... times infinity!

• Nathan Explosion : Two cups of rice...

  Nathan Explosion : [Trying to pour the rice into the shopping cart and watching it fall through the bottom]  Brutal.

• Pickles : Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef?

  Jean-Pierre : His face was...

  William Murderface : His face was SMASHED!

  Jean-Pierre : Yes I know.

  Toki Wartooth : He slips his hand and face, sluk hoevercrofe.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Hol... holvercraft.

  Toki Wartooth : Coft.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Honoo...

  Pickles : Hovercraft.

  Toki Wartooth : Hoovman.

  Pickles : Hovercraft!

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Hloo...

  Toki Wartooth : Hooo...

  Pickles : He's trying to tell you that the chef got his face smashed into uh, the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

• Pickles the Drummer : Ok, hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water, and they shriek, and they turn red and they die?

  Deli Assistant : Yes Sir.

  Pickles the Drummer : That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life... High five.

• Toki Wartooth : You're a lady, Skwisgaar.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : No. I'm not!

• Skwisgaar Skwigelf : Go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.

  Toki Wartooth : You're a lady, Skwisgaar.

  Skwisgaar Skwigelf : No I'm not!