Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (2006)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Quotes 

• Berta : Well, you know what they say: early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and can't get laid, huh?

  Charlie Harper : Maybe I'm not trying.

  Berta : Yeah, and look for me next month on the cover of Maxim. I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

• Charlie Harper : So, how big a difference are we talking about ?

  Kandi : It's *huge*.

  Charlie Harper : Really?

  Kandi : Oh, yeah. With you, sex is kinda like going on Space Mountain. It's a good ride, but there's never any real danger.

  [Charlie looks a little puzzled] 

  Kandi : With Alan, it's like being in the back seat of a car driven by a really smart kangaroo. He may go up on the curb a couple of times, but he'll get you there.

  Charlie Harper : Okay. Thanks for clearing that up.

  [Kandi leaves room] 

  Charlie Harper : [knowing he's won]  There's a two hour wait for Space Mountain.

• Charlie Harper : Isn't there something you could be doing?

  Berta : Well...

  [turns to look at Kandi] 

  Berta : I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.

  Charlie Harper : Berta, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's been a long time for me... and you're starting to turn me on.

  Berta : I'm outta here.

  Kandi : [Kandi enters the kitchen as Berta is leaving]  Hi, Berta!

  Berta : Hey, baby.

• Berta : [Berta and Charlie are watching Kandi applying sun lotion outside on the deck]  Okay, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I travelled with the Grateful Dead, but golly, Moses! She's a muffin! Interesting turn of events, your brother hitting one of your hand-me-downs. And the way things are going, you couldn't get lucky if you painted your penis to look like money.

  Charlie Harper : Don't think I haven't tried.