The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
Pilot (2007)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon : Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny : So sit next to me.
Sheldon : No, I sit there.
Penny : What's the difference?
Sheldon : What's the difference?
Leonard : Here we go.
Sheldon : In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.
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Leonard : So, tell us about you.
Penny : Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon : Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny : [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard : [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny : Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.
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Sheldon : Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard : Not really.
Sheldon : [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard : I don't care.
[thinks about it]
Leonard : Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon : It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard : Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon : No - that was the result of my work with lasers.
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[first lines]
Sheldon : So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard : Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon : It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.
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Sheldon : I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard : Must we?
Sheldon : Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard : She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon : Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Leonard : Which is?
Sheldon : You think with your penis.
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Sheldon : I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.
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Sheldon : If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
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Leonard : We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon : Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
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Sheldon : It's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke. It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny : So you're like one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys. This is really impressive.
Leonard : I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny : Holy smokes!
Sheldon : If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
