The Simpsons (TV Series)

The War of the Simpsons (1991)

Harry Shearer: Ned Flanders, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, McBain, Otto, Bait Shop Customer

Quotes 

• [Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party] 

  Julius Hibbert : If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

  Marge : Um, thank you, I will Doctor Hibbert. Thanks for coming.

  Julius Hibbert : Remember, I said "if."

• Reverend Lovejoy : We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell."

• Clerk : Yep, General Sherman. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's hundred years if he's a day.

  Customer : And, uh, no one's ever caught him?

  Clerk : Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.

• Ned Flanders : [Ned is telling Reverand Lovejoy what he doesn't like about Maude]  Maude, God blees her... She's always marking passages in my bible.

  Homer : It's a good thing you don't have guns in the house.

• Marge : [about Homer]  It's just that he's so self-centered!

  Homer : [covers his face]  Buh, wait, oh!

  Reverend Lovejoy : Now, Homer...

  Marge : He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!

  Homer : It's true, it's true. It's all true.

  [crying] 

  Reverend Lovejoy : Homer, don't interrupt.

  Homer : Sorry.

  [stop fake crying] 

  Marge : He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!

  Homer : I only did that a couple of times!

• [a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"] 

  Gloria S. : Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.

  John S. : That's enough, Gloria!

  Reverend Lovejoy : John, why don't you speak?

  John S. : She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she

  [shouts] 

  John S. : smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!

  Gloria S. : No, I'm not.

  John S. : [shouts]  Queen of the harpies!

  Gloria S. : No, I'm not!

  John S. : [shouts]  Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!

  Gloria S. : Get away from me, you swine!

• Reverend Lovejoy : Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I've ever told one partner that they were one-hundred percent right! It's all his fault, and I'm willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.

• Reverend Lovejoy : Remember my saving your lives and bringing you happiness when we pass the collection plate next week!