South Park (TV Series)

Red Sleigh Down (2002)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Cousin Kyle, Jimmy Valmer, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Hankey, Santa, Italian Man, Randy Marsh

Quotes 

• [Santa is being interrogated by the Iraq military] 

  Interrogator : What does America want with Iraq? Tell me my main man!

  Santa Claus : I don't know, I live in the north pole.

  [Interrogator pulls out two metal rods] 

  Santa Claus : What are you going to do to me?

  Interrogator : They say it was the Chinese who first experimented with electro-shock to the testicles...

  Santa Claus : Oh no! Not Santa's balls!

  [Zap] 

  Santa Claus : Aargh! I'm gonna fucking *kill* you!

  Interrogator : You're going to tell me what I want, my main man.

  Santa Claus : Then we're in for a long night, 'cos I don't know shit!

• Santa Claus : Oh No! Not Santa's Balls!

• [they've boarded Santa's spare sleigh] 

  Kyle : How do we start this thing?

  Gnome : You just have to call out the reindeer's name.

  Cartman : Oh yeah. On Dasher. On Prancer. On Comet...

  Gnome : No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace and Chantel, on Skippy, and Rainbow and Patches and Montel.

• [Jesus leads the boys on the way to the exit with Santa Claus, then stops at the foot of the stairway and turns around] 

  Jesus : [shouts]  Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof!

  [an Iraqi soldier comes down the stairs behind him] 

  Kyle : [shouts]  Jesus, behind you!

  [Jesus looks at the boys, and gets shot in the back] 

  Kyle , Stan , Cartman : [slow motion, in shock]  Jesus!

  [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and falls to the floor] 

  Santa Claus : [in slow motion shock]  No!

  [he shoots the soldier dead, then runs up to Jesus and holds him in his arms as the motion returns to normal] 

  Santa Claus : Jesus! Jesus!

  [Jesus stammers a bit, but nothing comes out of his mouth] 

  Santa Claus : No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.

  Jesus : [groaning]  You're a... bad liar.

  [the boys are speechless] 

  Jesus : [continues groaning]  Yea. But we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?

  Santa Claus : We sure did, Jesus.

  Stan : [finding his voice]  Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.

  Jesus : [groans]  Santa?

  Santa Claus : [quickly answers]  I'm here, Jesus.

  Jesus : [voice turns to a whisper]  Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit.

  [he dies, and his halo vanishes from sight] 

  Stan : Oh my God. The Iraqis killed Jesus.

  Kyle : You bastards.

• Eric Cartman : This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole.

  [Jesus looks at him] 

  Eric Cartman : I mean, oh wow, these poor, unfortunate people.

• Santa Claus : [after gunning down an Iraqi henchman]  I couldn't do it. I couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls.