Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (2003)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan : Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, "I understand".

  Charlie : Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you!

• Alan : [sarcastically]  Are you happy?

  Charlie : Yeah. I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

• Alan : Can we talk about this picture that Jake drew?

  Charlie : What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it! Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

• Alan : Hey! Where've you been?

  Charlie : I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

• Charlie : Congratulations, Alan. You've managed to take the fun out of boobs.

• Charlie : Jeez, Alan! I don't sleep with every buff surfer-chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?

  Alan : I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but that's not my point. I - I - I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son!

• Charlie : [answers the door]  Hey, Judith. Alan's at work.

  Judith Harper : [really upset]  I know where Alan is. I came to talk to *you*.

  Charlie : Me? But you don't like me.

  Judith Harper : I don't.

  Charlie : [smiling]  I like you.

  Judith Harper : Jake's fourth grade class was given a simple assignment: draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this.

  Judith Harper : [gets a picture out of her purse]  A woman's behind with a butterfly tattoo.

  Charlie : [pensively]  On the right cheek. I'll have to just act surprised.

  Judith Harper : I asked him where he saw this. He said, "In Uncle Charlie's kitchen."

  Charlie : Well, you gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot!

• Alan : Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.

  Charlie : Which half?