That '70s Show (TV Series)

Eric's Naughty No-no (2001)

Danny Masterson: Steven Hyde

Quotes 

• [Hyde, Jackie and Fez are listening to Kelso] 

  Michael Kelso : Okay, Jackie. There are some things I haven't been honest about that I feel like you should know.

  Jackie Burkhart : [nods]  Okay.

  [Jackie looks at Hyde and Fez] 

  Jackie Burkhart : Why are they here?

  Michael Kelso : Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out that it's not really honesty unless your friends are allowed to watch.

  [Hyde smiles] 

  Michael Kelso : So, anyway, I made a list.

  Steven Hyde : [to Jackie]  The list was my idea.

  Michael Kelso : Thank you for that, Hyde. Okay, so let's just get started. Um, that picture you saw of me in kindergarten? Those weren't puffy pants. It was a big-boy diaper.

  [Hyde and Fez chuckle. Some time later:] 

  Michael Kelso : ...and that time you came out of the shower and you thought you saw a flash? I *did* take your picture. This one time you asked me if you had anything in your teeth and you did, but I said no, 'cause it's funnier that way.

  [Hyde is enjoying. Jackie's expression becomes more and more sour. Some time later:] 

  Michael Kelso : ...when we were about to fool around and I said that I washed my hands? But, really, I just got done playing with, like, six dogs.

  [Jackie looks at Hyde, who barely suppresses his laughter. Fez looks disgusted] 

  Michael Kelso : But, that's not as bad...

  Jackie Burkhart : [sharply]  All right, Michael, stop! Okay, Michael, I think we need to work on *selective* honesty.

  Fez : [disgusted]  Yes, that and basic hygiene. Seriously, good God, man.

  [Fez leaves] 

  Jackie Burkhart : Okay, Michael, unless one of your secrets involves kissing a girl, I don't need to know about it.

  [Jackie walks to the door] 

  Michael Kelso : Okay. All right.

  Michael Kelso : [to Hyde]  Oh, science fact: dogs are cleaner than humans.

  [Kelso and Jackie leave] 

• [the circle] 

  Michael Kelso : Honesty's cool, man. It's like I can do anything wrong and then ask for forgiveness, and then I'm good again. Someone should invent a religion like that.

  Eric Forman : Okay. So did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, they were way, way *above* average?

  Steven Hyde : Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're *below* average. You just pray some hot, redheaded, neighbor girl likes you for your personality.

  [Hyde snickers] 

  Fez : What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.

  Michael Kelso : See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything.

  Fez : Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are *all* small in the pants.

  Steven Hyde : [in serious voice]  Kelso, this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie, and I'll help you. 'Cause all I really want is for you to be happy.

  [Hyde smiles slyly]