Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Secretary (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : I am telling you, Jerry, having a secretary is incredible! I don't know why I didn't have one before.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Because you didn't have a job?

  George Costanza : Perhaps.

• Jerry Seinfeld : It's amazing! You're getting a secretary! Last week you were taking messages for your mother.

  George Costanza : And now someone will be taking messages for ME!

  Jerry Seinfeld : From your mother.

• Jerry Seinfeld : So you're having sex and then all of a sudden, you just blurt out "I'm giving you a raise."

  George Costanza : Yeah.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Just a quick sidebar here. Are you, in any way, authorized to give raises?

  George Costanza : Not that I'm aware of, no.

  Jerry Seinfeld : So you're so grateful to have sex that you'll just shout out anything that comes into your head.

  George Costanza : I didn't think ahead.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, maybe she'll just think it was bawdy talk.

  George Costanza : I didn't say any other bawdy things.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Maybe you could have sex with her again and take it back.

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : I don't even know what is supposed to be so attractive about fur. Why does a man wanna see a woman in fur? Men want women to shave their legs, shave their armpits, pluck their eyebrows. And then before we go out, we dress them up like a bear? To me the only reason to wear fur would be if you were trying to sneak up on another animal. Did you ever see those tribal hunters where they wear the fur, and then they have the other animal's head on top of their head? You know, I'm sure there's a moose looking at that going, "Yeah, that looks real good. Yeah, I'm gonna turn my back on this goofball with the extra head because there's nothing fishy going on there. I'll just keep drinking from the stream. I've seen a lot of two-headed tigers with knees."

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : If you are a waiter or a waitress and you ever see me in a restaurant, I'm telling you right now, I don't wanna hear about the specials. I don't wanna know about the specials. I'm sick of the specials. I hate the specials. My feeling is, if the specials were so special, they'd be on the menu. You know what's special about them? They don't know if anybody likes it. They always have those overly creative descriptions of the specials, too, you know. The veal is lightly slapped... and then sequestered in a one-bedroom suite, with a white wine intravenous.

• Elaine Benes : So, Barney's is having this huge sale. I try this dress on... stunning. Stunning! I couldn't take my eyes off myself.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah?

  Elaine Benes : Okay, so then I put it on at home. It looks like I'm carrying twins.

• Elaine Benes : Skinny mirrors! Barney's has skinny mirrors! They make you look like 10 pounds lighter.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh you're crazy.

  Elaine Benes : Am I? Do ya think I would have bought this dress if I looked like this at Barney's?

  George Costanza : You know, I think she may have something there.

• Jerry Seinfeld : Where are your clothes?

  Ada : I told you I sold them to Bania.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You mean what you were wearing?

  Ada : Yeah.

  Jerry Seinfeld : How did you expect to get out of here?

  Ada : Well, I didn't think ahead.