Red Dwarf (TV Series)

Kryten (1988)

Chris Barrie: Rimmer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Kryten : Is anything the matter?

  Rimmer : Anything the matter? They're dead.

  Kryten : Who is dead?

  Rimmer : *They*

  [indicating the "surviving" officers of Kryten's ship] 

  Rimmer : are dead. They're all dead.

  Kryten : My God! I was only away two minutes!

  Rimmer : They've been dead for centuries!

  Kryten : No.

  Rimmer : Yes!

  Kryten : You a doctor?

  Rimmer : You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget.

• [Rimmer, Lister and the Cat have discovered that the female officers are dead, and have been for 3 million years] 

  Lister : Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or the place to say this, but my mate Ace here is incredibly, incredibly brave.

  Rimmer : Smeg off, dogfood face.

  Lister : And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends.

  Rimmer : I'm warning you, Lister.

• Rimmer : You are rebelling?

  Kryten : Yes.

  Rimmer : What are you rebelling against?

  Kryten : [Impersonating Marlon Brando]  Whaddya Got? Dinosaur breath. Molecule mind. Smeg-for-brains.

• Lister : Drop dead!

  Rimmer : Already have.

  Lister : Encore!

• Rimmer : Holly, as the Esperantinos would say, "Bonvolu alsendi la pordiston, laushajne estas rano en mia bideo." I think we all know what that means.

  Holly : Yeah, it means, "Could you send for the hall porter? There appears to be a frog in my bidet."

• Rimmer : Oh and how many books have you read in your entire life? The same as Champion the Wonder Horse. Zero.

  Lister : I've read books.

  Rimmer : Er, we're not talking books where the main character is a dog called Ben.

• Lister : I went to art college.

  Rimmer : You.

  Lister : Yeah.

  Rimmer : How did you get into art college?

  Lister : The normal way you get into art college. The same old usual, boring, normal way you get in. Failed my exams and applied. They snapped me up.

• [Lister tries to convince Kryten he doesn't have to serve anyone anymore] 

  Kryten : That's easy for you to say, Mr David, you're a human.

  Rimmer : Only just.

• Lister : Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys, it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall, it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well.

  Rimmer : Well we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

  Lister : Rimmer, ALIENS used our bog roll?

  Rimmer : Just cause they're aliens doesn't mean to say they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Only they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

  Lister : Well I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema.

• [after seeing the three female officers in distress] 

  Rimmer : Tell them we're coming aboard. By God. We'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain A.J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer.

  Kryten : Thank you, Captain.

  [Communication ends] 

  Lister : 'Space Adventurer'?

  Rimmer : What am I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine. Actually we know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, we're your lads.' That'll fill them with confidence, won't it?

• Rimmer : It's always the same when we meet girls. Put me down and make yourself look good.

  Lister : Like when?

  Rimmer : Remember those 2 little brunettes from Supplies? I told them I worked in Stores and they were really interested and asked me exactly what I did there.

  Lister : And I said you were a shelf.

  Rimmer : Exactly. And then I suggested a little trip to Titan Zoo, and you said, 'Ooh, he's taking you home to meet his Mum already.'

  Lister : So? They laughed.

  Rimmer : Yes, at me. At my expense.