M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (1976)
Gary Burghoff: Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Now, what's the story on Houlihan?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Nobody's seen her.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Strange.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : I've checked with everyone from Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : A to Z, very methodical.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Oh, I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Think, Radar-- you must have missed someplace.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : No, I looked everywhere except the nurse's showers.
[Potter looks up at Radar]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Oh, no sir, I couldn't look in there! There might be naked female personnel showering with their clothes off!
Col. Sherman T. Potter : What's the big deal?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Oh, well... nuditity makes me breathe funny.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Affects me the same way. Do it.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : But sir, couldn't we find somebody else, like, uh, maybe Captain Pierce?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : No, we'd never get him out of there. You're the man.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : I... yes sir.
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Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [on the phone] Sparky, I gotta go. Colonel Flagg just come in.
Colonel Flagg : Okay pipsqueak, what tipped you off?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
Colonel Flagg : I'll buy that. For now.
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Colonel Flagg : Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : [intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg : Good. Cause there's no such thing... yet.
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Colonel Flagg : Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
Radar : You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
Colonel Flagg : Big ones.
Hawkeye : What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
Colonel Flagg : It's personal. Gift for a friend.
[Radar begins to leave]
Colonel Flagg : Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.
Radar : And a rat. Right, right.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Did you look in her tent?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Yeah.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : So have I, but she keeps catching me.