- Maj. Frank Burns: I know I'm a real asset.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You're only off by two letters.
- [Radar has just finished demonstrating with his teddy bear to some Korean women how to give birth]
- Col. Potter: Congratulations, Mrs. O'Reilly, it's a bear.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot BJ in the leg] Burns, what's the meaning of this?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I was cleaning my gun and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Maj. Houlihan.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I see. So naturally, you shot Capt. Hunnicut.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Pardon me for asking, colonel, but why are you dressed like an Italian usher?
- Colonel Flagg: Can you keep a secret?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I think so.
- Colonel Flagg: I'm disguised as Ling Chow, a Chinese double agent.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Funny, you don't look Chinese.
- Colonel Flagg: Neither would Ling Chow if he were dressed like this. Follow me?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: As far as I'd like to.
- Colonel Flagg: Well, I'm off.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I couldn't have said it better myself.
- Colonel Flagg: You were insanely jealous of her engagement. You were furious at being rejected. You were capable of murder!
- Hawkeye: That's right! So you hit her over the head with a blunt instrument.
- B.J.: A saxophone.
- Hawkeye: Then you hypnotized her and told her she was Johnny Ray.
- B.J.: Then you performed plastic surgery on her, made her look like Johnny.
- Hawkeye: The rest is obvious. You stuck her in a trunk, you mailed her to Las Vegas, and now she's doing two shows a night at The Sands.
- B.J.: Three on Saturdays.
- Colonel Flagg: There's only one flaw in that theory.
- Hawkeye: Only one?
- Colonel Flagg: They don't do three shows a night on Saturday at The Sands.
- Hawkeye: How do you know?
- Colonel Flagg: I was a showgirl for six weeks.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, what's the story on Houlihan?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Nobody has seen her.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Strange.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I've checked with everyone from Nurse Able to Sergeant Zale.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: A to Z, very methodical.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, I try to use the alphabet whenever I can, Sir.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Think, Radar. You must've missed someplace.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, no, no. I looked everywhere... except the nurse's showers.
- [Potter looks up at Radar]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, NO sir! I couldn't look in there. There might be naked female personnel showering in there with their clothes off!
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: What's the big deal?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Nuditity makes me breathe funny.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Affects me the same way. Do it!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, sir? Couldn't we find someone else? Like maybe Captain Pierce?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Nope. We'd never get him out of there.
- Klinger: [as a Korean girl looks him over puzzledly] This is what happens when you don't eat your vegetables.
- Colonel Flagg: Don't try to be funny with me, Colonel. I've trained myself not to laugh or smile.
- Col. Potter: Really?
- Colonel Flagg: I watched a hundred hours of the Three Stooges. Every time I felt like smiling, I jabbed myself in the stomach with a cattle prod.
- Col. Potter: That oughta do it.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [after Frank shot B.J] You've got to give him an A for resourcefulness. How many doctors do you know provide their own patients?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I've been sitting here a long time and now I'd like to say something.
- Colonel Flagg: What is it?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Good bye.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [on the phone] Sparky, I gotta go. Colonel Flagg just come in.
- Colonel Flagg: Okay pipsqueak, what tipped you off?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, you don't look anything like you, sir. And since you're a master of disguises, I figured you're the only one who couldn't look like you that much.
- Colonel Flagg: I'll buy that. For now.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: What happened?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Hopalong Ferret Face just shot me in the leg!
- Colonel Flagg: This won't look good on your record.
- Frank Burns: But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
- Colonel Flagg: Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.
- Colonel Flagg: I have no home. I am the wind.
- Hawkeye: [to BJ] I told you he was the wind. You said he was the stars.
- B.J.: No, I said he was the moon.
- Colonel Flagg: If you don't close your eyes, I won't leave.
- [everyone closes and covers their eyes]
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Bye!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: See ya!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [about Flagg's plan] Why stop there? Why don't we just drop an atomic bomb.
- Colonel Flagg: Hey, don't try to make friends with me.
- Colonel Flagg: [after Frank Burns pats his shoulder] My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
- Colonel Flagg: If it weren't for war you wouldn't know what peace is.
- B.J.: He's got a point there.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, it's under his hat.
- Colonel Flagg: Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [intimidated] No.
- Colonel Flagg: Good. Cause there's no such thing... yet.
- Colonel Flagg: That's insubordination. You do that to me one more time and I'm entitled to...
- [checks his notebook]
- Colonel Flagg: bite off your left ear. Just food for thought.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's not bluffing. He got Van Gogh.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: What is it, Burns?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: We're all worried, Major.
- Maj. Frank Burns: But I'm more worried than anybody else.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [gently] It's not a contest.
- Colonel Flagg: Alert the Navy for offshore artillery. I want a squadron of copters for air-to-ground search and, uh, round up a box of scorpions. About a dozen.
- Radar: You mean, uh, scorpions scorpions?
- Colonel Flagg: Big ones.
- Hawkeye: What the hell are you gonna do with a box of scorpions?
- Colonel Flagg: It's personal. Gift for a friend.
- [Radar begins to leave]
- Colonel Flagg: Corporal. If you can't find scorpions, get two snakes and a rat.
- Radar: And a rat. Right, right.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.
- B.J.: I understand she's game.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.
- B.J.: Speak a few.
- Colonel Flagg: Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?
- Maj. Frank Burns: No, Sir.
- Colonel Flagg: You wanna see the films?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Films?
- Hawkeye: I'll get the popcorn.
- Colonel Flagg: I can find anything.
- Hawkeye: Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.
- Col. Potter: How bad is it?
- Hawkeye: Superficial. Fortunately, Frank's as good a marksman as he is a surgeon.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [to Potter] Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.
- Hawkeye: You're doing fine. It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.
- Colonel Flagg: Nobody can get the truth out of me because even I don't know what it is. I keep myself in a constant state of utter confusion.
- Radar: Radar's Redundancy When asked by Colonel Potter to check the nurses shower for Major Houlihan Oh, no sir I couldn't do that. There might be naked female personnel in there showering with their clothes off.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Did you look in her tent?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yeah.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: So have I, but she keeps catching me.
- Klinger: I'll escort you to your tent.
- Margaret: Over my dead body.
- Klinger: That's possible, Major. Some North Korean prisoners have been released in the area. An attractive person like yourself might be in danger. Of course, the same is true for me.
- Margaret: I can take care of myself, Cinderella.
- Klinger: I understand this is a good neighborhood to pick up sailors.
- Colonel Flagg: [enquiring about the bullet wound in Cape Hunnicut's leg] What happened to your leg?
- B.J.: Cut myself shaving.