M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Lend a Hand (1980)

David Ogden Stiers: Maj. Charles Winchester

Quotes 

• Margaret : If only we could think of the right theme, I'm sure everybody would be very excited about it.

  Klinger : Wait! Put away your thinking caps, I got it! Imagine, if you will, the world's biggest salami!

  Charles : [chuckles snidely]  We don't have to imagine it, Klinger. We're looking at it!

• Klinger : [writing on cake with frosting for Hawkeye's birthday]  A real work of art, huh Major?

  Charles : A masterpiece, Klinger! With one minuscule flaw: You have wished Hawkeye, a 'Happy Birthhday'.

  Klinger : Huh?

  Charles : See, 'birthday' is not generally spelled with a pair of h's.

  Klinger : Don't pick nits, Major. It's that tiny imperfection that makes it special!

  Charles : Fix the cake.

  Klinger : It's easy for you to be a critic. You didn't spend three hours facing a blank piece of cake!

  Charles : Fix the cake!

  Klinger : I guarantee, nobody's gonna notice!

  Father Mulcahy : [Father Mulchay enters kitchen]  Hello! Ah, how's it coming, dough-boy?

  Charles : Uh, tell me-what's wrong with this cake Father 'Mulcahhy'?

  Father Mulcahy : Hmm... Nothing at all!

  Klinger : HA!

  Father Mulcahy : Especially if you like h's!

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : Now, look, folks, we're cold and we're bored, but there's no reason to take it out on each other. I remember one night in France in WWI, an entire company of tanks just froze shut. Couldn't get the drivers out. Had to slip 'em vittles through the cannons.

  Charles : Colonel, in the first place, I don't believe a word of it. Secondly, I hear the frozen tank fable every time the temperature dips below freezing. And thirdly, don't you have any WARM stories?

• Charles : Not only would your empty uniform stand up straighter, it would be better company.

  Klinger : Oh, is that so?

  Charles : [dramatically groans]  Touché! Once again I lie mortally wounded, skewered by your rapier wit.