M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Alcoholics Unanimous (1974)
Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns
Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : [Hawkeye, Trapper and Margaret are drunk. Hawkeye sings] I wish there were a radio way up in heaven/So I could say hello to Mother every day.
Hot Lips : I didn't know you could sing.
Hawkeye : Was I singing? I thought I was dancing.
[They all laugh]
Frank : What the devil's going on in here?
Trapper : Frank! Baby!
Hawkeye : [sings, followed by Trapper and Margaret] Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones!
Frank : Major Houlihan!
Hot Lips : Whoop!
Frank : This really cuts me to the quick!
Hawkeye : That's quite all right. His quick could use some cutting!
Hawkeye , Hot Lips , Trapper : [laughing]
Frank : Let me have that!
[sniffs flask]
Frank : Where did this liquor come from?
Hot Lips : Shhhhh!
Hawkeye , Trapper : [almost in unison] Yeah, don't tell anybody.
Frank : As your commanding officer, I insist!
Hawkeye : Ok, ok, ok.
[Grabs Frank and pull him closer]
Hawkeye : You take eleven string beans, one onion, half a radish, and four banamas.
Trapper : [Grabs Frank's sleeve] Mix it up, and you... uh... let it soak for... uh... six weeks.
Hawkeye : Days.
Trapper : Days.
Hot Lips : You'd better write this down, Frank.
Hawkeye : [Grabs Frank back] Then you look around and you find the tallest tree, and you hang the stuff in an emena bag, and you let it lay there for eighteen weeks...
Trapper : Days.
Hawkeye : Days.
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Frank : Have you ever given a lecture on temperance, Father? On the evils of drink?
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy : Well, no I haven't. But on the troop ship I was asked to give a lecture on uh, the sex thing.
Frank : Good!
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy : Well... being celibate, I didn't feel qualified. They called in a Protestant. He had a film. About two sailors. One was from Cleveland, ostensibly, and the other from a small rural area. The city boy decided to stay on his ship and write his high school sweetheart, a lovely young girl, with a megaphone on her chest.
Frank : Father, please. This is important.
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy : ...The country boy got mixed up with a young lady who lived in a trailer with three other young ladies and... a man with a whip.
Frank : Father...
Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy : Broke his wristwatch and everything.
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Frank : [barracading the officer's club] Ahh, it makes it one hundred percent. This place is now bone dry!
Radar : Yes, sir.
Frank : The uh, men detest me, don't they?
Radar : Oh no, sir.
Frank : No, you can tell the truth. They hate me, don't they?
Radar : Just your guts, sir.
Frank : Well this is for their own good! They don't have to love me.
Radar : Uh, I'm sure they'll be very happy to hear that, Major.
Frank : Well, you don't have to stand there talking to me... Go to sleep!
Radar : I can do both at the same time.
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Frank : There's just no question. You're alcoholics! You drink constantly!
Hawkeye : All right, we drink. We drink so we can get through these lousy, stinking, 48-hour days.
Trapper : We're cold, filthy, lonely.
Hawkeye : Scared, bored, tired.
Trapper : Frightened and very drowsy.
Hawkeye : And on top of that, Alice Faye goes to the big city and loses her voice!
Trapper : She didn't.
Hawkeye : Yeah.
Trapper : We need a drink!
