Family Guy (TV Series)

8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Jake Tucker, Hitler, Kids Choice Awards Announcer, Gloop, Adolf Hitler

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [after Peter sells Meg to Mort to pay for his tab]  Peter, you got me a card "I'm sorry for selling our daughter."

  Peter Griffin : Do you know how hard it was to find one of those in English?

• Glen Quagmire : Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D."

  Glen Quagmire : Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.

• Peter Griffin : What was the point of all that? Al it does it shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Augh!

• Peter Griffin : While I'm at it give me all these copies of "Marie Claire." Ya know in case I wanna rub out that easy one before I get Lois into bed tonight.

  Mort Goldman : Kathleen Turner's on page 45.

  Peter Griffin : Kathleen Turner... ehh? Let's see how she looks.

  [glances at the magazine] 

  Peter Griffin : Aww, that's a shame.

• Liddane : Hi, gorgeous man!

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?

  Liddane : Stewie, this is Jeremy!

  Jeremy : Hey, little man!

  [pats him on the head] 

  Jeremy : So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!

  Stewie Griffin : Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?

  Liddane : Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.

  [picks him up] 

  Stewie Griffin : [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away]  Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?

  [shouts] 

  Stewie Griffin : So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!

• Stewie Griffin : [shouts]  Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.

• [Stewie sits next to a sullen Meg] 

  Stewie Griffin : So, um... this is uh... awkward, but uh... have we ever actually, you know, *met*? I mean I don't even know, say for example, if you have a room up there. You know? A room? I have a room. You know Meg if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know thats something to think abou...

  [burps] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oops, just burped.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Mort... do these suppositories come in any other flavors?

  Mort Goldman : Peter, are you EATING those?

  Peter Griffin : [sarcastically]  No, I'm shoving them up my butt... of course I'm eating them!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk.

  Mort Goldman : All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money.

  Mort Goldman : Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab...

  Peter Griffin : What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you?

  Mort Goldman : Well, not right away...

  Peter Griffin : In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe he's over me.

  Mort Goldman : I can't believe I'm out 34 grand!

  Peter Griffin : I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Stick around, more Family Guy coming up.

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe I'm actually jealous.

  Lois Griffin : I can't believe I actually touched him.

  Peter Griffin : I still Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Next week, I run for Mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.