"Cheers" Simon Says (TV Episode 1987) - Shelley Long as Diane Chambers

[Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time]

Diane : Dr., there's still one thing you haven't considered...

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Ok; Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world.

[opens window]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Hear this, world. The rest of you can stop getting married. It's been done to perfection. Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record

[talks into his tape recorder]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME.

Diane : [turns to Sam] See?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well now, I need to begin to get to know you two, so Diane, why don't you start?

Diane : Well, they say you don't have prenatal memories, but I have a distinct 'in utero' recollection of a Fourth of July concert my Mother attended. There was at least one sousaphone...

[the scene fades to a scene some time later. Sam is napping on the office couch, Simon is sitting in the chair listening, and Diane is still talking]

Diane : [coming to the end of her recollections] -then he proposed to me in of all places, a court of law. This time I, acquiesced, and agreed to become Mrs Malone... which brings us here today.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [nods for a brief moment] You know, my wife has a skirt very similar to the one you're wearing. Sam, a little of your history, please.

Sam Malone : Oh! Right, alright, okay. Um... Let's see, it was uh, August 5th, 1973, I got my first Major League save. It was in Baltimore...

Diane : [interrupting him] Sam, you don't have to go into all of that.

Sam Malone : If you can go back to the womb, I can go back to the damn Oriole double-header.

Sam Malone : You know, it was your stupid idea to come here in the first place. All of a sudden he says something you don't like, and now you don't believe him anymore?

Diane : [sounding desperate] Well he's wrong! He doesn't know what he's talking about! Don't you think he's capable of making a mistake?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : That's highly unlikely, although, I did let the two of you in.

Diane : If you ask me, his methods are highly suspect! How can he say we are mismatched on the basis of two silly questions? I didn't even answer mine accurately! I said what I thought he wanted to hear! Sam, did you answer the way you wanted to answer, or the way you thought he wanted you to answer, or the way you thought I wanted you to answer?

Sam Malone : I don't know, I got confused after the babe in the bikini walked by.

Diane : [referring to her relationship with Sam] Well, what about the idea that opposites attract?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : AH, the song of the TRULY desperate.

Diane : The man's a quack! Imagine, he had the nerve to say that Sam and I shouldn't get married.

[adopting a British accent]

Diane : That we have absolutely nothing in common.

Norm Peterson : Excuse me, Diane. What exactly do you two have in common?

Diane : Well, we...

[can't finish her sentence, and just stares at Sam]

Carla Tortelli : Wait a minute. Somebody's suggesting that Sam and Diane aren't right for each other. Now where have I heard that before? Of course: my prayers!

Sam Malone : What are we gonna do?

Diane : We're going to get married, of course! We're not going to listen to that, sack of fish n' chips!

Diane : You know, you are a very clever man. It wasn't until after you left, that we realized you were merely testing our resolves. So, we stand before you, as proof that we are steadfast in our devotion to one another.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well that's very lovely, but it wasn't a test.

Diane : [thinking he's joking] Oh, listen to him Sam: it's yet another test!

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : I'm afraid I haven't made myself sufficiently clear: You two, are, an accident, waiting, to marry.

Diane : If you only knew the enormous obstacles we've overcome, you would know that we are, destined to die in each other's arms. Because although we are, very different people, our parts mesh together perfectly. We have achieved, symbiosis.

Sam Malone : Well, not every time, but it's close.

Sam Malone : All I'm saying is that maybe he's right. Maybe we should give it some thought. Maybe we should wait. Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.

Diane : Maybe you'll do me the honor of sticking a sock in it!

Diane : [entering with a small stack of books] Sam and I have been to the library, and we've done extensive research. We're here to tell you that you are full of rubbish!

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : How thoughtful. Most people would only have phoned.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : I think I've shown remarkable restraint so far, but I have had just about enough. Now I've said that you're not compatible, and you've done nothing to show me otherwise.

Diane : [sounding on the verge of tears] Look I don't know, what we're supposed to do or what we're supposed to say, but we're HERE, fighting for our lives together, now doesn't that count for something?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : [matter-of-factly] No.

Diane : [whining] Why not?

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, let me answer you this way. Sam, do you really want to be here?

Sam Malone : No.

[Simon gestures as if to say, "There, case closed"]

Diane : [still whining] Oh, What do you mean "no?"

Sam Malone : I mean "no." I don't want to be here-I mean, this whole thing was your stupid idea. What do we care if this guy doesn't think we should get married? Nobody we know thinks we should get married. We don't go bugging them in the middle of the night, do we?

Diane : Alright... what do you suggest we do?

Sam Malone : Nothing.

Diane : UGH! That's your solution to everything: nothing! Is that what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Nothing?

Sam Malone : [growing exasperated with her tone] I haven't decided yet.

Sam Malone : Hey, what's with this English Accent? Ever since he walked in here, you've been talking like the Queen was your Aunt Betty or something.

Diane : Oh, tosh! What twaddle.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well, moving on. Now, what are the keys to a successful marriage? Well there are numerous schools of thought. Many experts claim that the most important single ingredient in a marriage is...

[both Sam and Diane are silent]

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Quickly now.

Diane : Love.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Honesty. Because from honesty springs...

Diane : Fidelity.

Sam Malone : Sex.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : ...Yes: trust.

Diane : I was going to say that.

Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Well those people are wrong.