Are You Being Served? (TV Series)
Dear Sexy Knickers... (1973)
John Inman: Mr. Humphries
Photos
Quotes
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[Captain Peacock is reading out a saucy letter sent accidentally by one of them to Mrs Slocombe]
Mr. Humphries : Mr. Grainger wouldn't say, "Dear Sexy Knickers." He'd say "Dear Sexy Bloomers." Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I very much doubt it.
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Mr. Humphries : [to Mr. Lucas] Don't let Peacock see you fraternizing over there. Otherwise, you'll get the rough edge of his tongue, and I can tell you it isn't very pleasant.
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Mr. Humphries : Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Stephen Peacock : [looks about him] Yes, I'm free.
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The 40" Waist : Aren't the sleeves a bit long?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : No, I think those will ride up with wear, Sir. Don't you agree, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : They'll definitely ride up, Mr. Granger.
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The 40" Waist : [trying on a new shirt] It seems to be shorter at the front, than at the back.
Mr. Humphries : Ah, that's because you're standing upright, Sir. One does tend to do that when one is trying on new garments.
The 40" Waist : Really?
Mr. Humphries : Oh, yes, Sir. Yes. You see, if I stand upright like this, well, I'm up at the front, aren't I Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : You certainly are, Mr. Humphries.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : [writing a letter to Miss Brahms] "Dear Sexy Knickers... "
Mr. Humphries : [smirks] That's subtle.
Mr. Dick Lucas : Well, if you don't ask, you don't get, do you?
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Mr. Dick Lucas : I am about to find the 'other' pair of trousers.
[as he knees the trousers, he tears a hole through them]
Mr. Humphries : We don't knee trousers, Mr. Lucas.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, are you free?
Mr. Humphries : [looks about him] Yes, at the moment.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Ask Mr. Grainger, if he's free, to step this way.
Mr. Humphries : Excuse me. Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : [looks about him] Yes, I'm free, Mr. Humphries.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Do you encourage your assistants to try to stretch trousers when they don't fit?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Most certainly not. Do we, Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Certainly not, Mr. Grainger. We give them the same pair back, and say we found a larger size.
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Mr. Ernest Grainger : Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Lucas, but do I understand that you got Mrs. Slocombe into trouble in the lift yesterday, and you had an affair with her this morning in her department?
Mr. Dick Lucas : I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, you're wrong!
Mr. Humphries : Oh, what a pity. I thought things were going to liven up a bit.
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Mr. Dick Lucas : [Mr. Humphries has been caught "putting the knee in" a jacket and has been brought before Mr. Rumbold] You see, it was like this, you see, Sir. Erm, Mr. Humphries kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Ah! You mean, Mr. Humphries needed the jacket. Let's get our tenses right.
Mr. Humphries : No, no, you don't understand, Sir. You see, I kneed the jacket.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You need it now?
Mr. Humphries : No, I kneed it then.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : You mean, you needed it then.
Captain Stephen Peacock : If I might clarify the situation, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Thank you, Captain Peacock. It does seem to have got rather out of hand.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes. It's a matter of spelling, Sir.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Spelling?
Captain Stephen Peacock : Yes Sir. You spelled kneed with an N. Mr. Humphries was using a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : Oh, you mean like kneading dough? Is that it, Mr. Lucas?
Mr. Dick Lucas : Yes, that's it. I needed the dough, but he didn't want the jacket because it was too tight.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : So you kneaded it to make it more supple, which was why you needed the jacket, you may recall Captain Peacock. That is what I said in the first place.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Nearly right, Sir, yes. But what they're trying to explain, Sir, is that, erm... and coming from Hardware, you would not be aware of this, but there is a method used, and I disapprove of it myself, Sir. There is a method used to enlarge the arm holes of jackets, and the method used is to knee the jacket... with a K.
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I am aware of how you spell jacket, Captain Peacock.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : [demonstrating how to knee a jacket to loosen the stitches] Now then, Sir. If you will er, listen carefully. I take the jacket so... and I pull so.
[knees the jacket]
Mr. Cuthbert Rumbold : I can't hear any stitches go.
Mr. Humphries : Perhaps it's already been done.
Captain Stephen Peacock : What makes you say that?
Mr. Humphries : Well, I sold it to you.
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Mr. Humphries : Is everything all right, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Some lady says she wants to have me on the carpet.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries?
Mr. Humphries : Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Is Mr. Lucas free?
Mr. Humphries : I think he's going to be free for a very long time.
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Captain Stephen Peacock : Now, I have here, a billhead from this department, on which is written, "Dear sexy knickers, I don't half fancy you. Meet me outside at half past five and we'll get it together." Now, it is my duty as head of this department to ask each of you if you wrote this note. Mr. Grainger, did you write it?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I don't even understand it.
Mr. Humphries : Mr. Grainger wouldn't say "dear sexy knickers." You'd say "dear sexy bloomers," wouldn't you?
Mr. Ernest Grainger : I very much doubt it.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Mr. Humphries, did you write this note?
Mr. Humphries : No. But thanks for the compliment.
Captain Stephen Peacock : Well, in view of those two denials, I can only come to one conclusion.
Mr. Dick Lucas : [laughing nervously] Shall I leave now, or work till five-thirty?