Armed & Dangerous (2003 Video Game)

Jeff Bennett: Jonesy, Mayor, Messenger

Quotes 

• Rexus : [using a Jedi Mind trick]  You don't need to see our papers.

  Guards : [under Rexus's control]  We don't need to see your papers.

  Rexus : You're um... you're um...

  Guards : [under Rexus's control]  We're um... we're um...

  Rexus : Quick! What should I say to them? I'm running out of power!

  Guards : [under Rexus's control]  Quick, what should he say to us? He's running out of power.

  Q : Tell them they're both teapots!

  Jonesy : No, Scottish miners!

  Rome : Look, just tell 'em we're not the ones they're looking for.

  Rexus : Wait, I got it! You're both... *French*!

  Guards : [drop their guns and throw their hands up]  We surrender!

  [run away] 

  Rexus : Now let's get moving, the Lady of the Pond waits.

• Rome : [examining Rexus]  He's freezing, we gotta warm him up or he'll die.

  Q : No problem, here's a little trick I learned back in Khalios during the Lime-Dixon War.

  Rome : Good idea, mate.

  Jonesy : What?

  Rome : I've seen this done before. He'll split open the dead beast's stomach and then stick Rexus amongst the warm entrails. Should keep him warm for at least a day.

  Jonesy : Right, I'll be off here vomiting.

  Q : No, that's not necessary. Just, stick 'em in there!

  [Q shoves Rexus inside a giant creature's anus. The creature wakes up and runs at fast speed with Rexus still inside] 

  Q : Ahh, works better when they're dead.

• Messenger : I am the King's messenger, Sparks. What is it you want?

  Rome : We have some demands for the King.

  Messenger : Sorry, you're going to have to speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing. Now you're saying you're offering some Lamaze classes for the King?

  Rome : No, no, *demands* for the King!

  Messenger : Right, well tell me what you want and I'll relay the information.

  [later, he sees the King] 

  Messenger : Your highness.

  King : What is it they want?

  Messenger : Thank you, sir, I made it myself.

  King : [shouts]  What do they want?

  Rome : [previously]  Tell the King, we want to have a talk with him.

  Messenger : [to the king]  They want to walk with you.

  Rome : And that we have his son.

  Messenger : [to the king]  They have loads of guns so no worries there.

  Rome : Tell him we want Lilly back.

  Messenger : [to the king]  They say they want their willies back.

  Rome : I'm starting to like this. Yeah, yeah, and some yummy food and lodging.

  Messenger : [to the King]  And after that they want a bloody lewd rogering.

• Rexus : Friends, I am but an old man. My knees are weak, my back is stiff, and I'm about as incontinent as they come. But there's one thing I do know, upon our shoulders lie the hopes and dreams of an entire nation and I'll be *damned* if I'm not going to do anything about it!

  [applause] 

  Jonesy : Bastard's stealing our thunder.