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5/10
The Nostril Picker
Scarecrow-8819 September 2010
Warning: Spoilers
Bizarre film about a repellent creep who meets a bum on the street who teaches him "morphosynthesis", the ability to transform yourself into whoever you so desire. This psychotic louse uses the identity of a pretty missing girl whose picture was on the back of a milk carton, assuming the role of a female teenage student. He was already unstable to begin with(we are introduced to him as he's ogling at a girl walking down a sidewalk)due to his abuse at the hands of his mother, and so the eventual misogyny(and sadism) which erupts as he remains in the disguise of Josephine(Ann Flood), attacking a girl pack he befriends while attending high school, one at a time, at night when they are not expecting Joe(Carl Zschering), is due to his childhood trauma(as is his cannibalism which derives from feeding from his dead mother's remains while living at home by himself, which explains his devouring flesh from the female victims).

THE NOSTRIL PICKER resembles something Troma might distribute/produce, because it's crude, badly dubbed, poorly acted(it sounds like the actors are having trouble with their lines), in bad taste, with a dimestore budget that features schlocky special effects(particularly fingers lopped off a hand and how Joe stabs a victim multiple times, up and down, only after about number fifteen does any blood appear on the blade which means it's obvious he's bludgeoning a pillow). The plot, however, is rather unsettling and disturbing, the idea that out of all the people to have the ability to camouflage himself with another identity, it had to be Zschering's Joe Bukowski, an unhinged recently released mental patient who hates women and has cannibalistic tendencies. The film wants to actually be a comedy and even has a musical interlude where Joe is shown in school and the girls' restroom, having integrated himself into the new role, enjoying the new found freedom and power provided him. Actually, the violence comes out of nowhere, shifting the tone somewhat, only to return to comedy when Joe attempts to sodomize a transvestite he picks up(in the form of the teenage girl)outside his junky apartment. Zschering is effectively cast because he fits the profile of a neighborhood stalker who you could envision as a pedophile predator, dangerous with a knife, particularly lethal with a supernatural ability to fool victims into thinking he's a chick. The title refers to how Joe picks his nose all the time. Joe not only lacerates the jugulars of his female victims and eats pieces of their flesh, he also rapes them with the knife he uses as a weapon! Sickening enough(story-wise) to become a cult classic.
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5/10
"Schooooooooooooooo-ooooOOOOOooo-lin'..."
ObscureCinema10129 May 2012
I've seen a lot of movies with weird titles in my day, but THE NOSTRIL PICKER takes the cake. Can you just imagine what this movie is about? If you haven't read the description of it, no, you can't, because this movie really isn't about nostril picking.

Joe is a loser whose life is changed when he meets a homeless Vietnam vet who tells him he will teach Joe a magic spell if Joe lets him have some of his booze. Well, with this magic spell, Joe can change into anyone he wants to whenever he hums his favorite song. Well, Joe, being the creepy pervert that he is, changes into a high school girl so he can go into the girls showers and stuff like that without being detected. However, doing this will slowly drive him insane, and soon, he begins to kill off high school girls. Can the police chief, whose daughter is friends with Joe's alter ego, stop the killer before it's too late?

No matter who you are, you haven't seen anything quite like this movie. I guess the only proper way to review it is to go into the basics. For the most part, the acting was more wooden than a pirate ship, but it looked like most everyone was having fun making the movie. However, when one girl got her fingers cut off, she didn't even have any sort of look of pain on her face; it almost looked like she was bored. It also feels like the director started filming without a script and was just making it up as he went, which adds to the hilarity. The gore effects are atrocious, because the blood they use has a pinkish tinge to it. There's also a really predictable and very stupid ending to go with it.

Now, the sole enjoyment that one can get out of THE NOSTRIL PICKER is through all the hilarious scenes. There's the aforementioned terrible acting and gore, the sheer stupidity of the premise, some of the dialogue ("He attacked me with a thingy!"), and just how weird some of the scenes are (Joe chases a transvestite around his apartment with a squirting dildo).

And, of course, I must mention the school montage. So Joe goes to high school and there's a montage of, basically, him slacking off, smoking, and spying on the girls, all set to this incredible song that just repeats, "Schooooooo-ooOOo-lin'…I've got to get me some schooooooooo-ooOOo-lin'…" over and over again. It's pants-wettingly hilarious.

Given how much I laughed at it, I should probably give THE NOSTRIL PICKER a 6/10. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't think I could ever respect myself again.
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5/10
Beware the bogeyman.
BA_Harrison14 October 2014
Although released in 1993, The Nostril Picker is undoubtedly a product of the '80s (my Aurum Encyclopedia of Horror, published in '93, has it down as being made in 1988): the fashion, the schlocky approach, the nonsensical plot, the lousy music—they all smack of the decade that taste forgot.

The ridiculous storyline sees loner Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) being taught by a wino how to change his outward appearance by chanting a magical incantation and whistling his favourite song (which happens to be 'London Bridge is Burning Down'). Joe opts to look like an attractive, blonde, female teenager, thereby enabling himself to hang out with other girls of the same age, and then attack them when the opportunity arises, raping them with his knife and devouring their flesh.

With a cast whose acting skills are virtually non-existent, direction that can only be generously described as rudimentary, and a script that isn't afraid to give the bottom of the barrel a damn good scraping, The Nostril Picker is about as unsophisticated as a movie can get, which actually makes it more fun than it has any right to be. The cringe-worthy montage that is accompanied by a truly awful rock song is unforgettable, as is the hilarious sight of a transvestite hooker being assaulted with a pair of dildo water-pistols.

Also serving to make this mess more enjoyable is the occasional spot of juicy splatter, which is better than one might reasonably expect: one of the early victims has her fingers sliced off (which, judging by her reaction, or lack of one, isn't all that painful), there's a brief spot of cannibalism, and the irritating transvestite gets his throat slashed in suitably gory fashion. The slaughtered girls also appear to Joe in hallucinations, dressed in lingerie and drenched in blood.

Rounding off proceedings with a silly and totally predictable twist ending, The Nostril Picker is far from great movie-making, but will prove a guilty pleasure for those who actively seek out cinematic turds.
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Easily one of the worst movies ever made. Avoid!
Infofreak2 July 2002
I pride myself on being relatively open minded movie-wise, try not to prejudge films, and have a soft spot for low budget and b-grade genre movies, but folks, sometimes you just gotta draw the line! 'The Nostril Picker' is one of the most worthless movies I've ever had the misfortune to watch. Misleadingly packaged, it tries to give you the impression that it is "controversial" or "offensive". It isn't. Well it is offensive intellectually and aesthetically, but if you think you're gonna get a confrontational, boundary-pushing movie ala 'Salo', 'Nekromantik', 'Last House On The Left' or 'Pink Flamingos', you'll be in for a real shock! This is just a poorly made, embarrassingly acted, amateurish, so-called horror movie, which is so dumb it makes the current spate of teen comedies look like they were written by David Mamet. I don't know who Patrick J. Matthews is, but I rejoice that he has never set foot near a camera since this complete waste of time. This is as bad as it gets. 'The Nostril Picker' rivals gems like 'The Roller Blade Seven' and 'Art Deco Detective' for sheer awfulness. Avoid this movie at all costs!
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2/10
Is this a joke?
Red-Barracuda14 May 2006
Someone must have been seriously joking when they made this film.

Firstly, it is an absolute impossibility that this movie was made in 1993. The fashions and music dictate that this is seriously 80's. My guess is that this has sat on the shelf for a long while before some crazed distributer picked it up and released it to a disbelieving world.

There is a plot. Kind of. A strange loner meets a random man with a beard who tells him that if he meditates while singing his favourite song he will be able to turn into whomever he chooses. At this point I feel obliged to point out that the loner's favourite song is London Bridge Is Falling Down. Why is this his favourite song? Because he's an idiot. We are only a minute into the film and already the film has reached a monumental level of stupidity. It gets even stupider.

The loner is the nostril picker. I can only assume this as there are two scenes in the film where he is seen picking his nose. That clears up the title. He decides to change into a girl so that he can get close to other girls. And kill them. That's more or less it.

The acting is universally appalling. Every single performance in this movie sucks. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the acting is of the standard of a pornographic movie. It really is that terrible. The nostril picker appears to the audience as the nostril picker. The characters in the movie see him as the girl he has become through singing London Bridge Is Falling Down. Man, I feel like an idiot even typing this. Anyway, it is kind of strange seeing a middle aged weirdo hanging out with school girls. And not in a good way. There is even an extended montage of scenes where the nostril picker is at school with the girls and a song plays over the top. It is very possibly the worst song ever recorded. I'm not even going to describe it. You'll know it when you hear it. And you'll agree with me.

There are some scenes of violence, sure. And there is a Benny Hill style chase sequence involving a transsexual. There is even an immortal bit of dialogue, that may or may not have been taken from Shakespeare or John Milton, where the nostril picker says to a prostitute, 'I've got the cash if you've got the gash'. Lovely, I'm sure you'll agree.

Utter nonsense.
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1/10
Possibly the worst film I have ever seen.
ssm-1010 March 2005
I bought this movie exciting a gloriously gratuitous, over the top, entertaining bloodbath. I got none of them. This film fails on practically every level, not in the least frightening, or funny, it is simply terrible film-making, and never provides the audience with anything worth seeing. What is so bad about it is that far from being as raw, violent and brutal as it had promised to be, there is very little violence at all. Virtually no blood shed, and no excitement whatsoever. Acting, direction and dialogue is absolutely unbearable. Honestly, it is truly laughable. I could hardly sit through this total garbage once; I certainly will never want to watch it again. Don't waste your time with a waste of celluloid like this; it is truly possibly the worst film ever made. If I could give it minus stars, I would.
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1/10
man takes on appearance of girl to get close to them - then begins to kill
dean_russell13 January 2006
I've been largely convinced to write this review for a number of reasons:

1) This is, without doubt, the worst film i've ever seen 2) Unless it gets more reviews it will not be listed in the all time worst films list - which it deserves to be 3) I was kinda lucky - i paid five pound for it. i've seen it in shops for 15 pound. DON NOT PAY THAT MUCH FOR THIS FILM! You will be very angry 4) There are a lot of films out there in the horror genre that are not given a fair rating (in my opinion) and giving this film a higher rating than them is criminal

The plot summary: a guy with no friends meets a tramp who promises the world - well, the magic ability to appear to everybody else like somebody else. Our hero cunningly turns into a teenage girl and joins their gang - sitting on swings, baby-sitting. He kills them one by one until he is tracked and found by the police.

Why is it so bad? To begin with the acting is VERY VERY bad. Someone else compared it to a school production. No, this is worse than any acting i've seen on a school stage.

I've bought a number of these previously banned films from the DVD company vipco and not been as disappointed as i was at this. okay, the acting is bad but the film fails to deliver in every other sense. What was the point in making this film when there isn't even any gore! okay, no gore. What else can a film like this offer? Breats? No, not even any titillation!

it's true this film may have a certain charm in its unique naffness but any potential buyer/watcher of this film should be fairly advised that this film is, at best, worth only one out of ten.
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1/10
This has to be THE WORST film I have ever seen. The film didn't work and probably neither have the actors since, THE WORST money i have ever spent. (possible SPOILER), well the director already spoilt it
alagregg14 May 2004
Warning: Spoilers
This has to be THE WORST film I have ever seen. I bought the DVD and it didn't work, well the DVD worked fine, its just the film didn't, in fact its so bad that I think non of the actors have worked since (or before judging from the acting). There is no real plot to speak of and no real horror. The production values are rubbish even for a low budget film with some outside scenes being hard to hear due to wind on the microphone.

All in all it was so bad a film that a viewer could think it was going to turn into a porno if they didn't know any better (which have been an improvement). There are only two lines in the film that are funny, both of which revolve around the transvestite prostitute. (Although they hardly merit watching all 76 minutes for)

As for the marketing of the DVD I feel thoroughly cheated. I mean reading the back I expected it to be bad:

He chose his weapons. He selected his victims. He picked his nose. He turned into a GIRL!

But I thought it might be funny. Also the case claims it is digitally re mastered, I would love to have seen it beforehand, the print is so grainy you could use it as sand paper. The case also says it is an absolute disgusting movie, IN WHAT WAY?, disgusting production, acting.

This film out stays it welcome in the first five minutes, (if you are considering buying this I would say buy `bad taste' instead it is a much better film and is funny, also it has Peter Jackson the director of the LOTR in it.)

Incidentally if anyone knows anything about any of the actors (or director Patrick J Mathews) and what they have done since, please post here as I would love to know, purely to find out if there is a worse movie out there, or if anyone in this film ever bothered to learn to act
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1/10
The Nostril Picker is a real low point in cinema, absolutely rubbish horror film.
poolandrews4 May 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Sometimes a film comes along that is unique. The Nostril Picker is one such film, The Nostril Picker is like no other film I have ever seen, unfortunately for The Nostril Picker & myself it's unique for different reasons than what the filmmakers had originally intended. Read on & all shall hopefully become clear... The Nostril Picker, as it's commonly know although it was apparently filmed under the title The Changer, starts with some extremely dull shots of an American town somewhere, streets & factory's that sort of thing, as the opening credits play. When The Nostril Picker begins proper we, the viewer that is, are introduced to a real loser named Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) who is in his 40's, he lives on his own in a crappy little apartment where he watches T.V., eats beef flavoured dog food & listens to old vinyl records as he dances with a blow up rubber sex doll. Joe likes teenage girls, he has various porn magazines but enjoys the real thing even more. However, being an ugly git Joe can't tempt any young ladies to go out with him, or do anything else with him for that matter. One fateful day an old homeless Vietnam vet (Horace Grimm) sees the agony & pain that Joe has to go through (actually he sees Joe being spoken to by the cops for hassling a teenage girl) & decides to help him out. He tells Joe about an incantation that he learned from the 'gooks' in Vietnam that will transform Joe's appearance into whatever he likes. A process he calls morphosynthesis, but at the same time he warns Joe that 'it makes you crazy if you do it too much'. That night Joe decides to give it a try, in a public place on a podium for some reason. Joe says a few words, does an extremely silly dance & starts yodelling. Joe finishes off by whistling London Bridge is Falling Down, listen yeah, I ain't making this up either. At first Joe is visibly disappointed when nothing significant happens. To console himself Joe tries to buy a porn mag but is shocked when the clerk (Kevin Devoy) refuses to sell it to an underage girl. Joe, the bright spark that he is, realises what has happened & talks his/her way out of it by claiming his/her dad had sent him/her to buy it. Joe, who now calls his alter-ego Josephine (Ann Flood), senses the possibilities & heads straight for the local high school. Joe befriends four teenage girls, Jennifer Armstrong (Laura Cummings), Crisi Stroud (Gail Didia), Tracy Harper (Heidi M. Gregg) & Brenda Kearn (Aimee Molinaro) while under his disguise, oh & Joe manages to become a pupil at the school simply by asking the sports teacher Miss Van Dyke (Vicki Hollis). At first Joe seems harmless enough, he just likes to hang around the girls toilets & stuff like that. But things soon change as Joe brutally murders Brenda. Jennifer's dad, Vince Armstrong (Edward Tanner) is a detective so along with his partner Ed Simpson (Clyde Surrell) & Walt Spencer (Bruce Alden) the pathologist is determined to catch the sicko responsible for killing his daughter's friends, but will they succeed before Joe strikes again? The IMDb listing for The Nostril Picker is wrong, I watched it mere hours ago & it clearly states that it's directed by Mark Nowicki who was also a co-producer & definitely not Patrick J. Matthews who was credited as a co-producer & the cinematographer, not that it makes much difference & I'd have though that Nowicki would have been more than happy for Matthews to take the 'credit' for making this piece of crap. No one involved in the making of The Nostril Picker should be allowed to go anywhere near a camera again, ever. The Nostril Picker is easily one of the worst films I've ever seen, & that's saying something. It's absolutely terrible in every possible way imaginable. The script by Steven Hodge is atrocious, there's no narrative structure, excitement, tension, drama, character development & the things that do happen are so mind numbingly dumb it's untrue. The plot devices & chain of events in The Nostril Picker are totally incomprehensible. The scene where Joe finds out the prostitute (Steven Andrews) he hired is in fact a man & Joe starts to chase him around his apartment with two squirting dildo's is simply jaw dropping stuff. The subsequent scene when the transvestite reports the incident to the police is hilariously written & had me psychically laughing at the dialogue. I hated the ending as well, not only was it predictable but it leaves the door open for a sequel, I psychically shudder at the mere thought! On a technical level The Nostril Picker is awful, point & hope photography, bland & inappropriate music, forgettable locations, poorly edited (Brenda is killed in the kitchen yet her blood splashes on the T.V. screen that was clearly in the opposite room), some of the worst acting I've sat through & very unimpressive special effects which consist of a few cut off rubber fingers, a slit throat & a quick scene where Joe eats some flesh. It comes as no surprise that the cast & crew who worked on The Nostril Picker have virtually no IMDb credits for anything before or after. Even at 76 odd minutes The Nostril Picker is far to long & really boring to sit through. I could go on & on all day long about how bad The Nostril Picker is, I really could. One thing I can't quite work out is was all this intentional by the filmmakers? The Nostril Picker is indeed a unique film, unique in it's awfulness & incompetence. In the the case of The Nostril Picker I hope it remains unique too, having said that it's still not the worst film I've ever seen but it comes close that's for sure. Definitely one to avoid.
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7/10
Gross
cycomiko_18 February 2001
Gross and outrageous movie about a loner who is taught how to turn himself into a girl, by doing this he gets closer to the girls in the local school and gradually kills them one by one. There is the plot, pure and simple, acting is of a fairly low standard and the sound quality is variable, but it never seems to take itself seriously and therefore its a laugh, if not intentional.

Watch if you like low budget rubbish rather than the high budget rubbish pedalled by Hollywood as entertainment for the masses.
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1/10
I want an hour and a half of my life back!!
alex-fuzzball25 March 2011
Worst. Film. Ever. If I could post pictures here, I would post a picture of a pool of puke with this film's name written next to it on paper (thankyou Mighty Boosh). If you value your time...don't watch it! The picture quality is terrible, the audio is terrible, the actors would be more convincing if they WERE cardboard cutouts (not just acting like them) and the "gore" looks of the same quality as halloween novelty makeup!! The only thing that actually convinced me about the entire movie was the creepiness of the main character! He was a convincing psycho in that respect - but all other elements of his performance were absolutely atrocious! Truly and completely terrible!!
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9/10
'He Attacked Me With a Thingy!'
jones-antony25 March 2009
This film never ceases to entertain, I must have seen it more than 20 times over the years and it never gets dull. The scene in the police station where the abused tranny tries to maintain his/her dignity while reporting the vibrator attack...Cop:'He attacked you with a what?'...tranny 'He attacked me with a thingy!...you know a thingy!' Cop: 'ma'am are you trying to tell me he attacked you with a dildo?'

The acting may be sub-par, but this is really honest film making. Only the truly cynical could complain about the subject matter; It's called 'The Nostril Picker' people...what were you expecting?!?!

They just don't make them like this anymore, laugh or cry you'll love it! Fantastic!
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7/10
Enjoyable, if you know how to enjoy it
cb949 May 2011
This film is a good film, I don't mean blockbuster epic good, but beer and pizza night with a few mates good. It's trash, that's all it is, trash. But enjoyable trash, and at times, rather funny.

Okay so there's no good acting, not even a good plot, but watch it and leave your brain at the door and you will found out what an enjoyable film this is.

Pure 80's horror trash. A few people got together and said 'I want to make a film' so they made the most stupid, most puerile film they could think of.

But they watched it back and laughed, so this is a film you can never take seriously, not 1%. And it deserves that, it is a movie to laugh at, not make sense of.
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2/10
Terribly scripted dialogue delivered by brain-dead actors, a ridiculous plot and a predictable twist
the_pixie29 April 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Originally called The Changer. The Nostril Picker is a poorly constructed tale about a loner named Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) who "likes em young". Unable to socially interact with girls he bumps into a tramp who teaches him a special Vietnamese chant. This "chant" involves whistling 'London Bridge is Falling Down' whilst hopping around like an epileptic morris dancer. Nonetheless, Ugly Joe tries it out and hey presto! He is now a girl. Ideally he needs to be a young guy in order attract girls. But lets not talk about ideals here - this film was made in 1983 and released in 1993, in an ideal world it should have NEVER been released.

The Film Asylum dubbed this horror hokum as "mind numbing, ham handed story telling". Its worse than that. The Nostril Picker really takes the biscuit, in fact the whole god-damn cookie jar. Terribly scripted dialogue delivered by brain-dead actors, a ridiculous plot and a predictable twist. Just when things couldn't get any more absurd the story goes off on its own nonsensical tangent. For instance, Joe decides to kill the girls by changing back into himself. But i thought he wanted to get close to them? Not content with being a murderer Joe also turns into a cannibal and eats some of his victims, of which there were only around 3-4.

The highlight of this terrible movie involves Joe picking up a hooker (Steven Andrews) then taking "her" back to his apartment. What happens next defies belief... Joe turns back into a man, but also discovers the hooker is a man. How does he react? Well, in a Benny Hill-esquire fashion, he chases "her" around the apartment with a bunch of squirty dildo's only to trip up on a blow up doll. God knows what Patrick J Matthews and Stephen Hodge were thinking of. At least this scene paved the way for another priceless moment. This involved the male hooker reporting the incident to a curly haired police officer with a 2-bit joke shop 'cop' uniform. The hilarious acting is a must see. Especially the hooker's inability at saying "dildo" and his demand for "satisfaction".

Apart from the above mentioned incident this monotonous slash flick was a complete bore. You know a movie's bad when the DVD trailers were more exciting. Normally, i'd fast forward to the good bits, only there weren't any here. The main action sequences involved Joe simply stabbing his victims repeatedly. Forget quick cuts, Matthews utilizes fadeouts (one during a stab scene) to limit any form of suspense there might already be. One girl's non-reaction to her fingers being chopped off is laughable. Normally i'd relish the words "uncut" but in this case they were far from a blessing. Just more agonizing cinematic torture. The whole movie felt like an unedited episode of Midsummer Murders, only less entertaining. I'd hate to see the cut version.

To sum up, The Nostril picker is the most unentertaining thing i've seen since Richard Hammond's 5 O' Clock Show. Dismal performances made worse by a terribly tinny soundtrack and bad dubbing. Don't be fooled by the box label, this is NOT a cult classic unless it qualifies for the lets-use-shitty-horror-dvds-for-coffee-coasters cult. Which i think it does. Unless re-edited to 30 minutes stay away from this coma inducing mess.
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Overall, a thoroughly enjoyable watch and a scary cult classic for any horror fan!
cellblockmetallica25 January 2003
When I ordered the Nostril Picker on DVD, I didn't know what to expect. The cover is rather misleading as the apparent artistic humour does not pertain to the nature of the film. One would think that The Nostril Picker would be a guy who picks his nose throughout the film or that he may incorporate nostril picking in his murders...this is not the case - he only picks it 3 times in the whole movie, but that's not why I bought it. It is the story of a man who is lonely and cannot get any women. He meets a hobo outside a bus-stop and he is given a chant to turn him into a woman whenever he chooses. 'This is perfect', thinks Ugly Joe, The Nostril Picker, 'for killing those women who constantly reject me'. He befriends all the girls who ever laughed at him and mocked him and they see him as a young girl - the camera still shows Ugly Joe! But Ugly Joe is not just happy with a false friendship, he wants their blood! He proceeds to systematically kill each and every girl from a particular group. I was on the edge of my seat throughout the film and I couldn't take how scary it was in parts. I would recommend this film to any serious horror fan as it belongs on your DVD shelf along with Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Exorcist, The Wicker Man and The Shining.
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5/10
S'Not Good
saint_brett30 January 2024
Warning: Spoilers
From the critically acclaimed director who brought you his other movies - yeah, those ones - comes 'The Nostril Picker.' A truly inspiring movie that left critics weeping in their seats.

With an all-star stellar cast including, well, whoever's in this, 'The Nostril Picker' changed the way entertainment was revolutionized.

I wonder who came up with the title for this movie, let alone the concept.

Considering that only five seconds are dedicated to cleaning house, there's no reason why it's titled 'The Nostril Picker.' It's falsely titled.

What looks like the offspring of Jack Torrance is cautioned early in the movie for stalking, then meets his genie without its bottle, who grants him the power to transform into a lady just by reciting a nursery rhyme mantra.

Torrance's son reminds me of YouTuber Nathan Barnatt, who sang 'The Worst Song Ever.' "Do something with your life." Remember him? Thought so.

With a home life consisting of being amused by a plastic windup toy, he grows tired quickly and goes out to test the transforming nursery spell, and miraculously, it turns him into a cute blond named Joe.

She purchases some category-one porn, then infiltrates the local middle school and enrolls in classes.

He's a 50-year-old dude reflecting a hot young girl to the outworld.

Shades of 'Shallow Hal' possibly? Body swapping is a good principle for a movie, but not many have executed it properly.

A comedy montage of hilarity shows his shenanigans on his first day in school, and you're cruising so far, movie.

Torrance's son then lands a job as an assistant babysitter, foolishly reverses the spell, and turns back into the dude. For no reason, he murders his co-worker.

I think the movie was running along fine up until this point, when the sinister twist was brought in.

They could have had a field day with the comedy element, not this stupid murder scenario.

Torrance's son returns to his Night Stalker lair and upgrades from a windup toy to a blowup girl.

I don't know who's more pathetic, Harry from 'Bloody Wednesday' or this grub in 'The Nostril Picker.'

He continues to change into the blond and sets up the next victim with a date at the movies. She doesn't even make it to the mailbox and is mutilated and eaten.

The movie didn't explain how he/she elevated himself/herself to murderer when he started out as nothing more than a simple harmless bum. A flimsy story midway tries to explain that he was reared as a beast in a basement and grew up eating his mother while imprisoned in isolation.

Torrance's son picks up a beefy she/he, which ends up in an assault and draws the attention of the fuzz.

He then murders close friend three of four near a diamond with the lure of a bag of weed. None of the murder scenes are inspiring and seemed rushed to film just for controversy.

The DVD's sound keeps dropping out.

The blond is made on the nightly news by a cameraman who captures the spell wearing off, so Torrance's son's cover's blown and word is out.

The beefy tranny from earlier falls victim to his blade right in front of the detectives, and the chase is on. It looks like your goose is gandered, Nostril Picker.

The Nostril Picker or Joe is chased and cornered in a parking lot; shots ring out, and it's assumed that the Nostril Picker is dead or has body hopped into the detective. Yup, I'm on point again and have read this movie like a book as usual. Not only can The Nostril Picker turn into a sheila, he has the power to be other dudes as well.

It ends on a murderous note, leaving the door open for a sequel.

Who's up for round 2 with 'The Nostril Picker?' It could be called 'The Nostril Picker 2: The Other Nostril.'
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3/10
The direction isn't totally bad, which is the only saving grace this film has
Leofwine_draca6 September 2016
Warning: Spoilers
This absolutely cheap, shot-on-video outing has little enough enterprise to merit a non-bottom rating, but there's the occasional directorial flourish to warrant a slightly higher score. Director Patrick Mathews knows for sure that he's making a turkey, so he attempts to throw in as much referencing and low brow humour as possible, as well as a couple of stylistic touches – I love the 'room spinning out of control' camera shot which betrays the leading character's deepening insanity.

Although the title and plot description make this sound like a gross movie, all we see are a few shots of the lead sitting around picking his nose – that's it. The rest of the story sees him transformed into a girl (no, no special effects or nudity here – for an exploitation film this sure is low on exploitation values) and then bumping off a series of high school teenagers as he gradually loses his sanity.

Brief gore comes from shots of our killer eating flesh from the girls he's killed, and the best special effects are when a girl's fingers are chopped off and a transvestite prostitute has his throat slit. Otherwise things are pretty boring, with bad acting all around – although I can't help but kind of liking the main guy – and the only person coming across as half professional is the detective. Add to this a lame twist ending, completely inept music, and a total lack of plot focus and pacing, and you have one bizarre, boring film.
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3/10
Two moments of bad brilliance
hellholehorror5 October 2017
This is one of the worst films that I have ever seen. It could only be barely watchable with a strong intake of alcohol and drugs. It is a seventies porn film but without any nudity. Everything about this film is horrible - the acting sucks, the effects poor, the script bad, the direction dull, there aren't enough words for how bad this is. There are one or two moments of bad brilliance that save this film from total damnation and those bits are the funny bits of the bloke who looks like a bird to other people in the school smoking and drinking; the scene where he is invoking the 'spell'; and the scene where the camera rotates and he does stuff although you can kind of see him running around just off camera. So bad it is good but only for some brief moments of genius.
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4/10
Joe is a bogey man in more ways than one
Stevieboy66620 September 2023
"He chose his weapons.. He selected his victims.. He picked his nose.. He changed into a girl.. All in one absolutely disgusting movie!!!" Vipco were a rather notorious British video distributor, specialising in horror and exploitation movies, and the previous sentence is the plot synopsis on the back of their DVD release. I did watch this back in the day on VHS but too long ago to remember anything about it, last night I watched it for a second time, only this time on DVD. I was stone cold sober at the time, I think that this is one of those movies that is perhaps best watched whilst under the influence of beer or some other form of alcoholic beverage. Joe is a very grubby man who lives in a very grubby apartment. He gains an ability to change his appearance completely through incantation, he uses this to rape, kill and cannibalise teenage girls. Overall the acting is bad but Carl Zschering does give a good performance as Joe. Much of the movie is played for comedy but ultimately this is a surreal and inventive slasher film that does feature some strong gore, though the special effects are very cheap looking. The twist at the end is obvious though effectively nasty. Aka "The Changer", this is a bad and cheap movie but it is also fun to some extent and recommended for those who enjoy such exploitation trash.
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5/10
Made in 1988, not securing a release until 1993, which always sounds promising, a delayed release.
daniel-mannouch21 October 2019
Warning: Spoilers
From the retitling and cover art, I was expecting something more Tromaesque, and not the in-house productions. You know what i mean, tasteless, cheap, tedious beyond all human capacity? Well at least i got two of those right. What I got instead was a pitch black horror comedy with surprisingly tight pacing and a surprising lack of shower scenes given the premise.

Carl Zschering gives a great central performance as Joe Bukowski, one of the 80's many released mental patients who has a backstory straight out of a campfire horror story. Such obvious framing solidifies this as more a slasher rather than a quirky serial killer movie, which I don't think were a bunch of words that were ever meant to be put in that order in the first place.

What you get from The Nostril Picker is a vibe you can only get from a true American independent film. The premise is asinine, yet is giving a curious amount of TLC. The tone is about as misanthropically humorous as any horror genre film from an era of franchise fatigue can get. And finally, what would a post-nightmare on elm street, pre-scream slasher movie be without half-assing it and then pretending to be a lampooning of the genre?

Now as much as i love a psychotic character performed with skill and conviction, which you do get here in The Nostril Picker, what I really, really don't like is a film that covers it's tonal indecisions with sardonic whimsy. This was a cinematic condition really specific to the horror films of the early 1990's. It came from an amalgamation of a formula = box office mentality from distributors, a downsized American independent film scene and a society caught in a whirlwind of moral hysteria and economic disenfranchisement. Why bother being scary when the real horror it outside and all that crap.

Why don't we just laugh at another statutory rapist with a funny accent and a grandpa like temperament. Well, maybe because it really wasn't all that funny to begin with. Something which i unfortunately think the guys who made The nostril Picker would disagree with at the time. Combine this with the bare bones police procedural narrative and what you get is a sandwich with thin cut bread and a bland filling.

In conclusion, I would have a hard time recommending The Nostril Picker. At times, it really impresses, but for the majority, it is just a very early 90's serial killer film with a knowingly weird premise and zero desire to do anything else but see that premise towards the most logical conclusion possible and hopefully create another Freddy Kruger in the process. Sorry it didn't work out like that. I can't find much fault with the film technically. It is a well put together independent horror film. But it's lack of commitment to any given tone makes for a way too frustrating viewing experience and i can't imagine myself seeing this one again any time soon.
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7/10
A Must See - For less than a fiver!
orcadiansmeghead28 November 2002
Let me tell you this. This is THE video nasty you need to get. The acting is the worst I have ever seen! I saw kids in the remedial class at school put together better films than this in GSE! The special effects genuinely give you that real image.... - of someone, at the side of the set, throwing ketchup across the place!! It is the worst made 'horror' movie I have ever seen, but then don't all real movie buffs get off watching Plan 9 from outer Space, and Glen or Glenda? Edward D Wood jnr had his failures, all of which ended up as cult classics in the 21st century, and if you are into this kind of rubbish, The Nostril Picker is now on general release in the UK, in the 'His Masters Voice' stores, in the 'under a fiver' budget range. The basic storyline is that a layabout weirdo offers his stash to a local hobo living in a box behind a bus shelter, in exchange for the hobo's secret knowledge regarding a voodoo chant he heard in an underpass some time, that once recited, turns a man into a female of his choice. Whether he picks his nostril or not during the chant is unimportant. He can then go on using his female 'cloak' and murder whoever he wants without the authorities discovering him - unless he is photographed. If he is, his real identity will be discovered. Oh, and if he recites the chant too many times, he will go crazy. Sounds crazy? It is! Beyond belief. It is truly so poorly made, you can not watch it without the edges of your mouth curling upward. I have never seen the end of this film, but I have put it on so many times, I have lost count. You won't get to the end because you will fall asleep - laughing. And, you will have a DVD title, no-one else you know has! The Nostril Picker is truly a triumph amongst bad taste films. Did I mention that the sound is so poor you will swear you saw the kid recording it on set with his tape recorder? Or that the end credits have the usual - Gaffer, Best Boy, Make Up, AND - Weak Story Development.? Get this film. Most serious film-ers love to hate it - or hate to love it. I love it and it is the pride of my DVD collection!!!
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8/10
A funky low-budget horror psycho winner
Woodyanders5 March 2009
Warning: Spoilers
What we got here is a real rarity, a genuine surprise, something that's almost unheard of and all too often hard to find: An extremely good, capably done, and intelligently plotted made-for-video low-budget indie fright flick that doesn't resort to the usual cheap excessive gore and gratuitous T&A in order to grab a viewer's attention. Instead, this creepily right-on little sleeper offers neatly realized three dimensional characters (for example, the titular freaky bloodthirsty wacko is a toxic product of severe child abuse, thus making him a semi-pitiable individual who's just as much a victim as the people he preys on), decent acting, solid direction, a clever, firmly constructed script, fairly accomplished cinematography, a few effectively scary moments, authentically grungy Michigan locations, judiciously used splatter make-up, a potently rendered gloom-doom atmosphere, and a shivery, flesh-crawling synthesizer score to relate the arrestingly oddball tale of a grubby, disaffected, socially maladaptive seething misogynist psycho (well played with edgy dysfunctional conviction by Carl Zschering) who acquires the magical ability to transform his physical appearance so he can become whoever he wants at any time. Under the guise of a cute, seemingly shy and awkward teenage girl (the toothsome Ann Flood), the nutjob befriends and eventually kills an ever-growing number of unsuspecting high school girls in order to get back at his mean mother and equally nasty aunt for grossly mistreating him as a kid. This peculiar shape-shifting story angle thankfully manages to be more than just a silly, ridiculous "gimme a break, man" gimmick, primarily because the story itself is handled with commendable seriousness and competence. Highlighted by several shockingly ghastly murder set pieces (our sicko likes to cannibalize his victims) and topped off with a wonderfully twisted nihilistic ending, "The Nostril Picker" makes for an unexpectedly gripping and highly satisfying horror outing.
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6/10
Has its moments
Tikkin24 May 2006
The Nostril Picker is a crap film, whether you're a lover of trash movies or not. Yet I still feel it has enough good moments to redeem itself. The idea is unique - I've never heard of another film where a man can make himself look like a girl in order to befriend young girls. As silly as the plot is, at least its a bit different. This film could have been so much better if they had of added more gore and used better actors, as the killer is really quite pathetic. The best scene is when the male hooker goes to the police station to report that he was attacked by the nostril picker. "I demand satisfaction, now!" he says. It's hilarious watching him try to explain to the police officer that he was chased by a man holding a dildo. The gore isn't much to wet yourself over, at least not on the Vipco DVD version I watched. A girl gets her fingers chopped off (a poor mans version of the fingers scene in The Burning), the hooker gets his throat slit, and another girl is stabbed to death but all we see is blood splattering over a wire fence. The ending is quite good and actually original, which gets extra marks from me.

Overall, The Nostril Picker is quite boring at times but depending on your opinion, has a lot of good elements like the ones I've described. If you're a slasher fan I would give this a watch at least once, after all, a title like "The Nostril Picker" will have all your friends dying to know what the film is about.
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7/10
The killer of high school girls.
HumanoidOfFlesh1 August 2012
Joe Bukowski is a homicidal maniac freshly released from mental asylum.He learns a chant from a homeless man in return for a small proportion of his alcoholic beverage and this chant transforms Joe into a form of anybody he pleases.So he is transformed into the body of high school girl.His main target are other high school girls attending high school close to his dirty and squalid home.Joe murders them one by one with a pocket knife..."The Nostril Picker" by Mark Nowicki is easily one of the most puerile and amateurish slasher flicks I have ever seen.It's still watchable and pretty funny as it plays like demented Troma flick with plenty of gore but without nudity.The killing scenes are pretty bloody for example there is the scene of a girl,who gets all her fingers cut off with one swipe of a swich-blade.7 teenage girls out of 10.A cult flick.
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9/10
brilliant!!!
steph_748429 August 2005
This has got to be one of the funniest most hilarious films i think i've ever seen in my life!if you love extra special cheesy horror films you'll think this is great otherwise avoid it! Good for a laugh! Can't believe it was made in 1993 it definitely looks like a 70's hand held camera movie! look out for the 'im Joe your best friend' scene, the girl in it must be really hard because she walks around after her fingers have been chopped off starring into space and the all time classic song schooling, its a got to be a number one hit! Don't know what else to say about this film except me and my mate were rolling around laughing at it for hours after!!!
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