Alien Beasts (1991 Video) User Reviews

Possibly the most incompetent piece of work I've ever witnessed

[Humdinger69 · 3/10 · 25 October 2017]

The plot of this little-known SOV travesty (from what I could gather) involves some unknown government corporation fighting against some other random unknown government corporation for control of some briefcase or something. Somebody opens up an inter-dimensional portal and then an alien appears. He wreaks a tiny bit of havoc but mostly just chills under a bridge and occasionally trudges around like he's got a 10-foot pole shoved where the sun doesn't shine.

There actually is a pretty detailed plot description on the film's Letterboxd page, and maybe you could make sense of this mess without reading it if you payed extra close attention. But it's d*mn near impossible to care while watching the movie. You'd either have to make an effort to dig your way through terrible sound and video quality, or try not to bust out laughing at the narrator who sounds like a mentally- challenged (and possibly asthmatic) man reading off of poorly- written cue cards.

Muddled plot progression is only the beginning however. The editing is god-awful and completely random. People repeat themselves constantly for no reason whatsoever. Shots go on for WAAAY longer than they need to. There's a five-minute scene of a woman searching through a closet, undressing and then redressing, only to be undressed again by a crazy government agent (alien?). There's an entertaining claymation freak- out during the climax that breaks up the monotony, but at this point it's too-little-too-late.

Incompetent, dragged-out and completely amateurish, but I got a few good laughs out of it.

My brain has just been fried!!

[Stevieboy666 · 1/10 · 31 August 2019]

I have watched thousands of movies, many of which were pure garbage. But this takes bad movie to a whole new level, Alien Beasts is probably the worst movie that I have had endured. Director/writer/producer/actor Carl J Sukenick makes Ed Wood look like Alfred Hitchcock by comparison. So what do we have here? A film that is narrated by a guy who would be shamed by the reading ability of an average 8 year old for a start. Half of the screen time is taken up by amateur martial arts in somebody's garden. The plot, if you can call it that, is something about a creature from a different dimension, though there is also mention of Iranian agents!! There is some gratuitous female, topless nudity and an attempt is made at several gory effects. We are "treated" to several minutes of truly bizarre animation near the end, which was probably my favourite part of this crap, though I had no idea of its relevance. This movie is an abomination, I had to keep pressing pause and take breaks because I feared for my sanity. But will I check out Sukenick's other works? You bet!

worst film ever made

[Kabumpo · 1/10 · 10 August 1998]

Hands down, this is the most inept spectacle ever made, filled with

senseless violence perpetrated against the friends of the fictional Carl J.

Sukenick, played by the director, etc: the real Carl J. Sukenick. This

film, mostly shot on video, has lots of martial arts battles the cast

laughs through, a noisy soundtrack that sounds like it was played by an on -set stereo (what the heck is a music "recomposer" anyway?), and a scene in

which a female enemy agent plays around with the weapons she is stealing,

after taking her top off, which delays her to the point that Carl's friend

Joe makes it to her, and wants to rape her as a punishment, stealing her

bra and stroking her breasts. The almost-certainly pseudonymed actress

Deveen Dellisee wears a black mask throughout the entire film. Characters

are brutally maimed for no apparent reason, and Carl wins by killing

everybody, one of whom he sets on fire in a scene

that used Panavison film. About the only things that make this thing worth

watching are its chronic repetitiveness, such "My name is Carl Sukenick, I

remember, I remember. I remember I remember (etc.)" and "I sent my friend

Joe to stop the female enemy agent from stealing the weapons from the

base. I said I sent my friend Joe to stop the female enemy agent from

stealing the weapons from the base," both of which are in the narration!

Even in the stop-motion climax, a hand is hacked up into nothingness,

corpses are savaged, in what is perhaps the ultimate garbage ever made on

film, but hardly disgusting enough to make it offensive, merely stupid.

Huhhhhhhhhhh

[BandSAboutMovies · 1/10 · 16 May 2021]

"My friend Joe put on anti-radiation clothing and tried to stop the female enemy agent! My friend Joe, I repeat, put on anti-radiation clothing and tried to stop the female enemy agent from stealing the weapons from the base."

If you're wondering, why is that line repeated, perhaps you should steer as clear as possible from Alien Beasts, a movie that has no story, no meaning and no real reasons to recommend it to you, dear reader. To call this a movie is the most charitable and kind thing I've ever written.

This movie is constant repetition broken by moments of absolute weirdness and gore, then replaced once against by computer generated titles that appear to tell us "Security camera inoperable" while that is voiced over and over again.

And then it happens all over again.

Carl J. Sukenick wrote and directed this movie, in which he also plays Carl J. Sukenick, the commander of the CIA, which mainly consists of sending his friends to do backyard chopsockery while his bored father stays behind in the security center, which one can only imagine is the family couch.

The film claims that it gives you the opporunity to "See the ultimate action-packed adventure of a lifetime as Earth is attached by hideous, evil creatures from an extradimensional universe."

Yeah, sure.

An agent named Neal was sent out to deal with the terrorist threat, but he was a traitor and has been mutated by radiation. So Carl must send Sara Shell, her husband Mark and their daughter Sheila to deal with things, but they're all killed as well. Hell, they cut off poor Sara's hand!

By the end of this, well, film, Carl must kill all of his friends before hunting down the hideous extra-dimensional being, which we are to assume comes from a place beyond our understanding, a universe of claymation.

Look, you can talk down on this movie all you want, but somehow Carl was smart enough to somehow get it out into the world and charged people $31.95 to see it. People bought it. Some people may have even rented it. Heck, I just wasted 74 minutes of my life watching it.

You can consider this a successful art project on many levels, the least of which was completing it. The foremost amongst it is that in the scene where the female enemy agent is caught and is forced to strip and have her breasts touched while someone says, "I must punish you," Carl sent his friend Joe LaPenna home and did the stunt work with a masked and half-nude woman. Carl knew what he wanted and did it. He's pretty much an auteur. Or aa maniac. Maybe both.

If you've ever wanted to hear narration of a film by someone who seems like they're instead attempting to do their remedial reading homework instead of dialogue we are to assume that they have written, all while numerous people are horribly killed with some of the most homemade effects you've ever witnessed, then sit on down for some Alien Beasts. Here's hoping you survive the experince.

Even if you love terrible movies, STAY AWAY!

[zombihntr · 1/10 · 15 December 2023]

I've gone cinematic dumpster-diving with the likes of W. A. V. E., Brain Damage and Pendulum often enough that I figured my days of having any singular "worst movie ever" were long gone, replaced with a tie of multiple films so awful that the notion of actually choosing between them is kind of ridiculous. This film may have proved me wrong.

While quality-wise this is just one more on the trash heap, it was far harder to sit through than anything I can remember. At least 8 days it took me to get through 75 excruciating minutes. Plus, it has the distinction of having the worst performance I've ever heard...the narrator. His line reads are so off-the-mark that any random 5 year old would've emoted better, just by accident. Three guesses how most of the "plot" is delivered in this film. Yikes.

One star is way too much but this site doesn't allow zeroes. Watching this would definitely change their minds on that policy.

And if this review should pique the interest of bad movie buffs, be warned. I love terrible movies but 'Class of Nuke 'em High 2' this is not. None of this is fun, none of this is funny. It's simply an endurance test and I'd rather spend an entire day in the waiting room of the DMV than subject myself to it again.

Great Fun!

[GeorgeG71 · 10/10 · 9 August 2013]

The first thing which I noticed about Alien Beasts was that it is clearly a low, low budget film. I thought to myself "Oh, no! Another crap movie!".

But the more I watched the more I loved it! The director and star Carl Sukenick has amazing imagination and courage. It's actually his lack of polish that makes this movie so great. I could never predict what would happen next. The cast seems to be having lots of fun making the movie, and the plot's spontaneous twists and turns kept me laughing and involved almost all the time. I couldn't exactly tell if Mr. Sukenick was playing his film for thrills or for fun, but that's not bad, it's good. It felt fresh and lively.

I know some of the other reviewers disliked this film, but I think they just didn't get what makes Alien Beasts so special. I recommend that they watch it again with fresh eyes. Mr. Sukenick is a true original and so is this film. I know that I'll be watching it again.

WTF!

[ocosis · 6/10 · 2 December 2020]

Aliens (I think). Lame as F martial arts for no apparent reason. Incoherent direction. Incoherent dialogue (most of which is constantly repeated!). Cheap gore FX. 0 plot. Strange bonus stop-animation thingy at the end. Total senselessness.

HIGHLY recommended.

Alien Beasts... more like Alien SUCK!

[stobby101 · 10/10 · 19 July 2002]

This movie was so horrid that i wanted to take a giant sledge hammer and smash it over and over and over and over again until it was sooooo broken that if i stick it into the VCR, it wont even work right! Then i will burn it up with a blowtorch that my friend Jed gave me last year for flag day and it will be so burnt that i couldnt even read the horrible title "alien beasts"! Jed said that he'd drive his truck off a cliff with the movie in the glove compartment, but i didnt want his house destroyed. The only cool part of the entire 4 hour movie was when the guy with the funny eyebrow did a flip and hit his head on the pole! I laughed so hard that i shook the van woke up my neighbors. I want to make the movie go away!

10/10