Cool as Ice (1991) User Reviews

20 thumbs up!

[Nottboy · 2/10 · 22 September 2004]

Every once in a while a film comes along that changes the way we look at cinema. A film that redefines the art of movie-making and lives with the viewer long after he/she has experienced it. You may hear the critics mutter the words Star Wars, Citizen Kane or Gone With the Wind but, obviously, they don't know Ice, they don't know him at all.

If ever there was a movie that proved the Oscars are a farce, it's Cool as Ice. It clearly got snubbed and I guess we'll never know why. The only reason I can fathom is the academy's fear of the Ice man's Day-glo clashing with the red carpet. Clearly the better solution would have been a Day-glo carpet.

Maybe I'm a little biased because I see so much of myself in Ice's character and the personal journey he embarks on in the film. I, too, am a complex, misunderstood white male, searching for identity and a good lawn on which to do the running man. I also have a way with words and a way with the ladies and, gosh darn it, I just love to impress country folk with my fly threads and dope moves on the dance floor, yep yep.

The script is a work of art and is destined to become a textbook example for its conflict, character development and subtext. I can't decide who the bigger genius is: The writer or Vanilla Ice, himself, because let's face it it's not just the lines but the delivery of them. "Lose the zero, get with the hero" - pure gold.

Do what ever it takes to see this film. Beg, borrow, steal or even buy it. For all those who still wear Day-glo clothing or caps with polished metal logos, who still shave lines into their eyebrows or just consider themselves romantics, Vanilla will reinforce what you already know: You are Cool as Ice. It's also a hell of a lot better than watching Vanilla on Celebrity Boxing, no really it is.

Multiple montages with the occassional movie sprinkled in...

[Aaron1375 · 3/10 · 17 November 2021]

The film was pretty bad, but that is to be expected. That being said, they did have some plot in there that made this thing more than just one long music video. Granted, for the most part the film is told in montage form, literally at one point you had one and only a couple of minutes later there would be another! Then a smattering of dialog to make things go forward, yo yo check it!

The story, a white rapper who rides on crotch rockets is driving the country side with his posse and immediately falls in love with a girl on a horse that he tries to kill by doing a stunt that is going to scare the horse she is riding. She is angry, but you know she is going to love him by the end of the film. Then, inexplicably, one of the motorcycles goes out of commission and they end up at a house of an older couple that literally lets the whole group stay with them as they fix the motorcycle... Then, inexplicably, the girl he likes is on the news for getting good grades... This makes two guys interested as her father was a cop put in the witness protection program! Someone might have told the dad that allowing yourself to be interviewed on the news was not something he should do, but at the same time who thought a puff piece, general interest story would be shown nationwide... So our hero courts the girl, rides his bike and has to save the day; though, pretty sure he would get his butt handed to him considering he has no muscles and would later get owned by Todd Bridges in celebrity boxing...

The film is kind of annoying, as it is just Vanilla drooling over himself thinking he is some sort of bad dude. No man, you're an idiot wearing horrible clothing combinations which would be in and out super quick to make room for the grunge movement. His acting sucks, but so does everyone except Michael Gross who is acting way too seriously for this thing.

So if you want to watch a movie about a white rapper that has no drama and is totally chaotic and about 90 percent montages, your ship has come in! I only watched this because it was on sale at Rifftrax and it was funny hearing the guys make fun of this film. I for the life of me cannot figure out why they make a film featuring Vanilla Ice and seem to not have any of the hit songs, I know they probably wanted to do all new stuff for the soundtrack, but come on man, no Ice Ice Baby?

Yes, it's bad, but still...

[lune78 · 4/10 · 13 December 2005]

OK, I admit it, I once was a huge Vanilla Ice fan. But then again, so were millions of other people. And incidentally, I just loved this movie. OK, so I was 11 years-old when I first watched it, so of course, my tastes in movies hadn't started developing back then. But even with a mediocre performance on the part of the Iceman and poor screen writing, I still find this movie enjoyable. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because it brings back fond memories. And I wouldn't quite put it on the same level of awfulness as Manos because no matter how bad this movie is, there is still something watchable in it. The problem is I still haven't figured out what it is.

A divine comedy

[dickhoff3 · 27 September 2004]

I hesitate to call this movie a really poor film, though don't get me wrong it is quite bad. But I believe it falls into a totally new genre of "crappy cult classics". When watching a film like Cool as Ice, I find myself asking over and over again, Are they serious? Who wrote this film? When they were writing the screenplay were they thinking: Yes, this is gold!

Now though this film is horrible, I find it very quotable which I believe is a major factor in assessing the quality of a film. Lines like "drop that zero and get with a hero" are unforgettable and hilarious. This movie is actually better then 75% of the comedies that are released in the movies today which sometimes even do well in the box office. Such movies come stocked with cliché's and overused jokes and though may be good for a few cheap laughs, are hardly worth seeing. Cool as Ice however is humorous (though not on purpose) and I think can be appreciated by anyone who was growing up during the early 90's. It really sums up what early 1990's were all about. I admit that it may be a little embarrassing if someone were to stumble across this title in your movie collection but if you ever see this movie for sale at a yard sale, I would recommend buying it for the full 1.00 price tag. It is worth watching with friends for some good laughs. My friends and I always mention this movie when discussing movie trivia and pop culture of the last decade. It always makes us smile. And isn't that what you hope for in a good movie?

This movie is great!

[Quinn-5 · 1/10 · 6 September 1998]

This has to be to be the most unintentionally hilarious "movie" ever made! Its like the worst Saved By The Bell episode only...worse! You have to wonder what was going on through Vanilla Ice's head during rehearsals and sitting through the premeire...

It's "Stalker-tastic"!!

[planktonrules · 1/10 · 15 February 2010]

This romantic(?) film begins with Mr. Ice stealing a square young lady's notebook in order to get her attention. Then, he follows her home. Then, when she later wakes up, he's sitting on her bed in her room! And, apparently, according to the film, this is the way to get a lady to fall in love with you. Odd, but most sane people would consider this stalking!!! This clearly puts the movie in the category of "Don't Try This At Home Kids!".

In addition to this dangerous message, the film is filled with tons of Mr. Ice's music--which sounds, oddly, like a combination of traditional Hip-hop and the music of the "Manhattans". I thought it was bad, but considering my age (45) I am not the best judge--I'll leave it to the younger crowd to tells us just how crap-tastic his music actually is.

The film is essentially a vanity project for a man who appears to be a talentless jerk. Now I am not saying that is true for Mr. Ice--but the film, because of its lousy writing, gives this impression. I am sure he's a nice person and is good to his mother, but how can a film be good if it has dialog like the following golden excerpt:

Girl: "Where are you from?" Mr. Ice: "Around." Girl: "Around?" Mr. Ice: "Yep.Yep."

A bit later: Mr. Ice: "I ain't where you're FROM matters anyway. It's more important where you are NOW." (oooh, that's deep!!!).

Overall, the film is great if you could use a laugh--otherwise, avoid at all costs. And, if you listened to and enjoyed his music back in 1991 or so, hide this film from your kids--they'll have a field day laughing at you, too!!

An unintentionally hilarious and insidiously hideous film **spoilers**

[Michael Kenmore · 1/10 · 14 September 1999]

"Cool As Ice" is the work of art.

No, really. That's what the rap star wanna-be Vanilla Ice thinks when he starred in this movie cluttered with the piece of dog dung script from David Stenn. The movie showcases the atrocious acting by Vanilla Ice who bolsters his ego to triumph over evil and injustice, and gets to shag the girl of his dreams ("perverted fantasies" more like describes his intention of establishing a torrid love affair). It's so unbelievably bad you have to suspend the disbelief just to get the kick out of making fun of Vanilla Ice as he attempts to act like he's going to win an Oscar for Best Actor but ends up being an amateur, only riddled with the terrible one-liners and smirk expressions so annoying you want to punch him in his face.

The plot is nondescript. It's too absurd and rather bizarre to summarize, so I won't bother. The star Vanilla Ice leading a bunch of poseurs to run the errand and falling madly in love with a pretty girl and conquering evil is the plot I can think of. I must make a note of complaint that "Cool As Ice" is grossly misrated PG because there's the gratuitous use of the word "D***", some violence, the particularly scary sequence and excessive sensuality. There are the scenes that literally had me die laughing. So funny you'll ache your ribs and feel the pain as Vanilla Ice intends it to become embarrassingly painful when he saw the finished version for the first time and have hid in oblivion since.

Some particularly funny scenes (some may be spoilers):

After the opening MTV-style music sequence, it becomes obvious that Vanilla Ice could not act when a sexy girl comes on to him

Jumping over the fence with the motorcycle and inadvertently hurts the girl

Vanilla Ice stole the "black book" with the list of female friends and looks like a pimp when he boasts to his poseur friends

Vanilla Ice walks around wearing an overinflated orange puff coat with the bare chest and funky pants, shouting "Hey, yo! What's up?" in a grating accent in the first half hour, made to look like the gangbanging pusher

As the girl is about to enter into her house, Vanilla Ice grabs her elbow and said "All right. I get it. Check this through. If you need me, I'll be right over there" in front of her dim-bulbed frat boyfriend.

A poorly choreographed fight scene between Vanilla Ice and the bunch of jocks

Vanilla Ice is a potential sociopathic rapist when he enters and lies on the bed besides the sleeping girl without her consent/knowledge

The overindulgent erotic interaction scenes between Vanilla Ice and the girl, and that includes pseudo dry humping and groping. If they actually go all the way, Vanilla Ice would be guilty of statutory rape

The irony of Vanilla Ice wearing a black puff leather jacket plastered all over with the words like "Sex Me Up," "Oh Yeah," and "Lust"

Gratuitous slow motion scenes and gratuitous sexual innuendoes

Michael Gross' one-dimensional character as the girl's strict father and the attitude of Vanilla Ice when he had to leave at the insistence of her father

Older couple dancing to the funky music. Utterly preposterous

Vanilla Ice's most unintentionally funny scene -- "You know something? You don't know. You don't know me. You don't know me at all!" with a cocky attitude in a sarcastic tone and then rides away with a motorcycle

Vanilla Ice invades the girl's property and got sprayed wet by the water sprinkler. In the next scene, he jumps the fence with the completely dry clothes.

Vanilla Ice rides the motorcycle at over 100 MPH. So dangerous he should have died in a tragic accident

Vanilla Ice's line of "It's fresh, man" in response to a stupid kid brother's ridiculous hair

Vanilla Ice's line "I know that sound" when investigating the mystery sound on the loudspeaker

The audiotape about the kidnapping scheme is single-handedly the funniest scene in the whole movie -- you have to see and hear to believe it

The floating physics of Vanilla Ice's motorcycle gang crashing through the wall on the second floor at the construction building. Truly a laugh riot!

The violence at the construction site could be mistaken for the gang hazing ritual

Vanilla Ice wears a ridiculous black wool hat and said the line, "Imagine that." If you have the eagle eyes, it's obvious the stunt was pulled off with a steel ramp mounted over the car to be followed by the torturous closing music sequence.

All in all, the most unintentionally funniest movie I've seen -- and I've never laughed frequently and harder AT a movie before with the exception of "Project A-Ko" and "There's Something About Mary". No doubt this is a huge embarrassment that led to Vanilla Ice's demise as the hip-hop pop star and a movie actor. Highly ironic that Vanilla Ice said at the end, "I'm...outta here!"

How David Kellogg got hired by Disney to direct "Inspector Gadget" after this inane tripe that serves as Vanilla Ice' vanity is beyond my comprehension.

just one question........

[plantostickthat · 1/10 · 15 March 2001]

Right, I've seen this movie 10 times in one week, but i still dont get one thing.....what does "shling a schlong" have to do with anything?

And how did he jump the fence from a flat road?

And how does he keep changing jackets when he clearly doesn't take anything with him?

And why are there turntables in a 70's music bar?

And how does he drive through the second story of a house from the opposite direction on the ground?

Anyway, i have a lot more questions than this so to do me a service you had all better go out and borrow this movie..... You can see what production values REALLY MEAN (hem hem).

The Wild One, Easy Rider...Cool as Ice?

[stephen niz · 1/10 · 21 July 2000]

For those too young to remember, Vanilla Ice was a malignant tumor growing on the popular music scene ten years ago. Along with MC Hammer and Marky Mark he pilfered and diluted black music to make it commercially acceptable to middle-class white children. His flash-in-the-pan `attitude' eventually fizzled away - but not before becoming the blueprint for every idiot bad-boy pop star on top of the charts today.

Cut to ten years later, and the threat of an Ice comeback is unlikely. It's the perfect time to watch COOL AS ICE. The film bombed on release, and signaled the end was nigh for Vanilla Ice. Watching it today, the star reduced to a relic of inane pop history, the film becomes a candidate for the best worst film of all time.

Rebels and their motorcycles have a history on screen. They define the times. Marlon Brando was the quintessential bad boy when he rode into town as THE WILD ONE. Fast-forward fifteen years and history repeats: Fonda and Hopper rewrite the Hollywood rulebook in EASY RIDER.

In COOL AS ICE, the bad boy of rap rides into the suburbs with his all-black posse, ready to reap havoc on suburbia, right? Wrong. Ice's crew only reappear when director David Kellogg requires a cut-away shot. Even then, rather than scaring the local children, they're making peanut-butter sandwiches and watching TV. They sit around, waiting for Vanilla to get the girl.

The romantic sub-plot is a peach. She's the highest achieving student in town, but will she risk her future for Vanilla Ice? He's a self-educated poet of the street, although his actual words of wisdom somehow escape me at the moment. The sub-sub plot involves her father, who we are led to believe was the most honest cop on a corrupt force. Despite seemingly being transplanted back into the same community, he doesn't mind going on television so the bad guys can find him.

There's a few other sub-sub-sub plots of minimal concern, but no real story. It's a star vehicle resting on the shoulders of a ludicrously vain idiot. Fortunately, his fifteen minutes of fame and torture translates to a typically foolish ninety minutes. The most vain ego exercise in Hollywood history? Perhaps. All in vain? Definitely.

A stunning masterpiece

[blatzor20 · 1/10 · 21 August 2000]

This is probably one of the finest masterpieces ever created in the medium of film. It has Vanilla Ice. He says "Yep Yep" a lot. And there's lots of RAD rap numbers and cheesy-ass dance scenes. And it's all mixed in with the most implausible and ridiculous romance I've ever witnessed. Plus an ultra-crappy fight scene between Vanilla Ice and some, uh, bad guys. And you wouldn't believe what this man can pull off with a motorcycle. Like when he's going along this completely flat road, and suddenly FWOOSH! he gets air and jumps over a fence, almost killing an innocent bystander riding a horse (who later turns out to be the girl of his dreams). And then, just when you think the movie couldn't get worse... it does.

All you people who voted anything other than 1 should change your votes, so that this movie gets #1 on the worst movie list! Jeez. I know it's a "great" movie and all, but wouldn't be nice to see this movie be #1?

Perfection, thy name is Cool As Ice

[chris3s · 10/10 · 11 February 2000]

This film can only be described as brilliant. Cool As Ice is a cinematic tour de force, and it resonates with unique passion and joie de vivre. Every character is brimming with both gritty realism and inspired originality, while the script is simply the best to be penned since Chinatown. Expertly crafted with stunning visuals and sparse narrative, the film presents a fascinating interpretation, through the use of archetypal characters, of the age-old story of the uptown girl and the downtown man. The cinematography is refreshingly restrained, with the intriguing exception of the use of Vanilla Ice's leather jacket as a narrative device. The fresh threads contain numerous words, ranging from "Down by Law" (the name of a punk band), to Yep (1/2 of Ice's catch phrase), to "Sex me up." At relevant moments, the camera will dwell upon a particular word or expression, enhancing the cinematic experience dramatically. Although it is but one example of the film's innovative technique, this device is representative of the consistently inventive, moving and magnificent film. Already a well-respected movie, Cool As Ice will inevitably enter the annals of truly great cinema after sufficient time has past to permit its canonization.

No Tip on this Iceberg.

[qormi · 6/10 · 26 June 2010]

I'm gonna admit it - I liked it. This takes a lot of courage to say this. First off, Vanilla Ice had enough charisma to actually carry this off. Kristen Minter was very captivating - something about her smile - with those tiny spaces between her teeth....sexy. But I digress - the plot was just as good as any of those old Elvis movies - in fact, you could have just plugged in a 25 year old Elvis and have gotten the same result. Vanilla Ice's posse was nonverbal - their characters needed to be fleshed out with more personality. I really don't know why this movie bombed so badly - I do know that higher production standards would have helped - poorly directed and edited.

Too bad about Vanilla Ice's career - it took a nosedive after this film - he must have had poor management. He definitely had talent - powerful stage presence - good rapper and dancer.

Please Kill me now.

[[e-mail] · 1/10 · 25 October 2005]

This is one of the worst excuses for a movie I've ever seen. I know that pretty much every up and coming pop star has to get a flick of his or her own, but really. Vanilla Ice is probably the worst excuse for a rapper to begin with (I don't like rap, but can at least respect legitimate rap artists) what made them think that he could try to act? The plot, or lack there of, is a shameless attempt to make Vanilla Ice look like the bad boy with a heart of gold rather than the schmuck that he really is. I hope that Michael Gross was paid well for this piece of crap, lord knows that he probably needed more cash after Family Ties went off the air, but why the hell did you do this movie???? Did they threaten you? Robbie's one liners were scathing, not as in they were vicious to the people they were directed against, but as in they sucked that badly. What girl ever fell for "Forget the zero, get with the hero" anyway? If that worked, every whiteboy, wanna be rapper would be knee deep in tail. But now no one will use it anyway because it's a Vanilla Ice line.

I don't even want to get into the lack of story. His gang was obviously assembled by some studio head because none of these people would be caught dead with Vanilla Ice. The grandma and grandpa mechanics tried too hard to be funny, but fell well short of the mark. The girl's boyfriend and his friends are your typical preppie types that are always included in these films continue to show the lack of originality. Finally, the girl's little brother bugged the hell out of me. What made this kid think that Vanilla Ice was cool? I know, A PAYCHECK.

Thankfully, Vanilla Ice's career is dead.

An absolute classic, but for all the wrong reasons

[rancidswan · 28 July 2004]

I've read a few of the reviews about this film and most of them are pretty spot on. As a film it truly deserves to be rooted in the worst 100 list, terribly acting by the two *bad* cops, worse still by straight laced Michael Gross - and the less said about Vanilla's acting ability the better.

Worse than the acting is the absolutely hilarious Cameo by Naomi Campbell in the opening credits, who screams her way through a really really hideous song whilst dancing badly and constantly trying to brush her hair away from her face.

After this initial horrific all singing all dancing intro, some bint gives Vanilla her phone number just so that we're reminded how great Vanilla ice is, and then the film starts proper. At this point you're just recovering from the awfulness of the dark warehouse intro, and suddenly you're assaulted by the wildy vivid colours of... pretty much everything actually, it's a constant throughout the film that everything is just too vivid, its hard to explain, but once you've noticed it, its actually quite amusing.

This is pretty much how the film goes, just as you think you've seen the most awful scene in cinematic history, along comes another, worse one that manages to make the last one look average. A great example of this is the way that in the first couple of minutes, Vanilla 'bunny hops' his 250kg GSXR-1100 over a 5 foot high fence. An absolute classic moment in cinema which stays with you... kind of like syphillis.

But it's for all these reasons (and hundreds more) that you should watch this film. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. I've never really been an advocate of the 'so bad it's good' school of thought, but I'll make an exception for this film. Not only have I seen it many times, but I bought it new from Amazon a little while ago so I can say I have an original copy. In years to come it will be completely priceless, such is the cult following of this shocking celluloid mistake.

I really would recommend that you see it, not because it's great, but just so you can appreciate how bad something can actually be, and how much of a complete freak of a movie this is.

I've never witnessed a scene in a movie which can compete with the pure hilarity of Vanilla dancing on his own, like a tw@t, outside the old people's house in his dayglo pants wearing his stupid jacket. I challenge anyone not to laugh outloud during this, and many other classic moments.

Deserves both 1 out of 10 as a film, and 10 out of 10 as a must see classic bomb.

HOT!

[arajcbradley · 1/10 · 9 September 2004]

This movie gave me a happy man from start to finish it was perhaps the greatest movie of all time. I would credit this movie with curing my cancer and bringing down communism in Russia. I think that if Vanilla Ice make another film it may very well cure AIDS!!! Vanilla Ice is not only a great musical artist but could be the next DeNiro when it comes to acting.

I thought the movie was totally gerbilicous! I give it the Richard Gere thumbs up! I have loved Mr Kellogs directing from his PLAYBOY work to Inspector Gadget the man has an eye for directing great cinema. Forget Spielberg, Kellog is the MAN!!!

as Cool as da man Vanilla himself! hmmmmmmmmm

[liam-tully · 2/10 · 12 April 2005]

So you've just picked up Cool as Ice in the video store and you're thinking Vanilla Ice:The Movie...when you've stopped laughing,you'll be like that must be SOOOOOOOOO bad,and you know what?YOu would be 100% right,EXCEPT..its worse..it really is,even worse than the cover(see above)gives away.What were the movie people thinking?? You can almost imagine the conversation between the movie execs:''There's this rap guy Vanilla something,and hes had a (dubious)hit record and wants to make a movie,what can we do?'' ''I know,lets remake Rebel without a Cause,throw in some (C)rap and have Vanilla play the James Dean role'' That must have been exactly what they said because thats exactly what they did!!! This IS rebel without a cause,without the style,class,direction or charismatic leading man.The acting,plot(??)and overall quality of the film are all non existent.That said it doesn't score a big fat(''drop the'')ZERO for a couple of reasons.....1)It is VERY funny,if you've got the kind of sense of humour to find amusement in cheesy things from the past,that and the ridiculous cliff/flat top combination sported by Vanilla,with the ridiculous ''MC Hammer in a dye factory ''pants to match.Class.Also it scores points for the dialog,which is SOOO bad it is actually very funny,I'm still not sure if this was meant as a serious movie or not!LOL.But check the memorable quotes section above to see for yourself.Badly acted,badly scripted,and badly dressed,the central character is basically Vanilla Ice.Why bother giving the character or the movie a name,should have just called it Vanilla Ice.At least then you would get an idea of how bad it is!

i'm still waiting for the sequel

[romireles_pdhs · 1/10 · 20 November 2007]

i just watched this movie the other day on HBO and i just can't imagine there being a worst movie past, present, or future. whoever got this movie made must have some real power in Hollywood.

i've got to tip my hat off to vanilla ice, he is an incredible quadruple threat. in this movie he gives you action, drama, comedy, and romance. all while defying the laws of physics. why isn't he still making movies?

there are a couple of things that amuse me about this film. one is that vanilla ice's portrayal of his character, johnny, looked a little to convincing. either he took some great acting classes or he really was that retarded in real life. the other is what exactly where the execs looking for during casting calls? the cast is amazing. how did they manage keep a straight face in their scenes with johnny?

whoever produced this work of art must have been on some serious drugs. they must have woke up one day and said to themselves "i hate my money what can i do to get rid of it."

in all seriousness the movie flops on all levels. the acting, wardrobe, sound effects, dialog and storyline are all equally as bad. this movie is really funny for all the wrong reasons and i would highly recommend it.

A 4 minute music video stretched to an excruciating 90 minutes.

[oneguyrambling · 4/10 · 27 November 2010]

I have over 5,000 carefully selected and quality screened songs on my ipod. One of them is Ice, Ice Baby. What can I say, I was 16 when it was released, and it was/and is a good song.

So when my wife suggested that when she was a kid she not only watched the Vanilla Ice film but "loved it" I thought what the hell, I'll suffer for my art! Now rather than write a review about a 20 year old sh*t film masquerading as a vanity piece for the poster boy of the misguided fashion generation, I thought I'd have a running diary of the events on screen and my thoughts as they happen.

Now you can suffer along with me.

1st minute – Credits roll, the first 20 seconds of a shitty music video start with a C & C Music Factory rip off track playing… I am sad.

I look left and my wife is beaming.

I am even sadder.

2nd minute – Vanilla is lettin' it rip. One thing I will say here, he was never the worst rapper. There. I said it.

There is some funky-looking yet hopelessly outdated dancing moves (granted, it is 20 years on), but the first 4 minutes are basically nothing more than a standard early 90s music video.

5th minute – I am almost embarrassed to admit that the first song, Cold as Ice wasn't that bad. (In retrospect I should have stopped there, the highlight has already passed.) 6th minute – Vanilla's outfit; bright orange jacket, rainbow hammer-pants, 1 red shoe, 1 black. His name = Johnny.

Even my wife is rethinking her life by this point.

7th minute – Vanilla "cough", Johnny jumps a fence on his motorbike and spooks a horse, leading to an awkward scene between Johnny and the good girl rider.

8th minute – Bad acting, worse dialogue.

9th minute – First (of many) examples that white people just don't understand us kids! 14th minute – The horse rider chickie, (named Kathy), is wit' a Square yo! Johnny represents. The Square says "Don't be sweating my fly-girl biatch", only he says it white-bread. Johnny? He just cooling, his time will come.

Aw, yeh!!

18th minute – Family Ties Daddy, Burt Gummer from Tremors himself is Kathy's Dad! Hope he got well paid.

22nd minute – Someone says "Oh Y'all think this is funny?" HELL NO! 25th minute – Oh Man. Now Kathy's white parents don' understand us kids.

28th minute – I don't believe it homey! Now Kathy's white college friends don' understand Johnny and his buddies! 29th minute – Johnny wears sunglasses inside. He must be dangerous.

30th minute – Sunglasses justified. Johnny rocks the mic at the social. Everyone in the room comes around within 3 minutes… except the Square. Suggestive hip thrusts for all! 38th minute – Johnny knocks out 4 baseball bat wielding guys with his bare hands.

40th minute – Kathy, I mean Katt (Hey Vanilla said) wakes to find Johnny in her bed with her. Breaking and entering obviously turns her on.

45th minute – (The filmmakers realized they had a 60 minute film on their hands.) Hey, let's have a ten minute series of montages! Cue the couple on motorbike riding around with a Technotronic rip-off backing song.

47th minute – OK, cue the impromptu dance and chase through the half constructed house number. (This was the cheesiest and sh*ttiest part of the film so far… by far.) 50th minute – OK, they've been together for 4 minutes now. Start the falling in love montage.

53rd minute – What Katt's Dad still doesn't understand? He tells Johnny to step off, and doesn't just mean the porch. (Phew I am sooo funny!) 54th minute – Will old white people talking and dancing hip-hop ever get old? 54th and 1/4 minute – Yes. Yes it did.

56th minute – Katt's Dad has a dark and pointless secret.

61st minute – "Now no-one understands me. I'm gonna go ride my bike for a while." 65th minute – Nothing worthwhile has happened. This was the point where I realized everyone involved in Cool as Ice has now had a full 2o years to regret this.

67th minute – They've taken Katt's little brother! 68th minute – You're better off without him/her. Now we're both sad.

77th minute – Detective Ice! 79th minute – Enforcer Ice! 83rd minute – Everybody's happy. At least everyone understands Johnny and loves him! I can't believe I managed to last 20 years without watching that crap, and now I decide to put myself through it! Final Rating – 4.5 / 10. If you must ignore my warnings, stop the film after the first 5 minutes, it's all downhill from there. (Even though it starts low in the first place!)

If you liked this review (or even if you didn't) check out oneguyrambling.com

This movie is not cool at all! It's honestly pretty bad. It's will be, a cold day in hell, before I watch this film, again.

[ironhorse_iv · 2/10 · 19 October 2017]

Hip Hop Artist/Rapper, Robert Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice's first big attempt at acting in Hollywood, ultimately got left out in the cold, as 1991's 'Cool as Ice', bombed at the box office. The reasons, why, are very clear. This movie directed by David Kellogg was just not that good. It's a shame that this action, romantic musical film was loosely based off 1953's memorable biker movie, 'The Wild One', because it fails as a good old-fashioned teen rebellion movie. Instead of having the protagonist, Johnny Van Owens (Vanilla Ice) be the anti-hero, like the original movie; fighting against the crude-over-controlling conservative establishment, in which, he encountered in the town. The movie chose to go really far in the left field, and have Vanilla Ice in the second act, be the hero, in a generic, out of place, action movie, hostage-situation, rescue mission that literally has, little to do with anti-authority themes of the first part of the film. It's really jarring. It doesn't help that the action scene, look way, over the top, with Johnny's crashing his motorcycle, through walls and jumping over, cars. To make it worst, the love story between, honor student, Kathy Winslow (Kristen Minter) and bad boy, Johnny is also very unrealistic. After all, it's pretty hard to get with somebody that nearly tries to kill you by making you fall off, a horse!? Better yet, breaks into your house, unannounced, and wakes you, up, by pouring ice cold cubes on your body, steal your book to find out, more about you or try to poison your fishes with brass rings when you break up with him! Its call stalking. Does Vanilla Ice do this, with all, the girls, he had relationship with!? There just something creepy about it. To add on the cringe-factor, Johnny also performs 'Get With it', one of the most misogyny songs in Vanilla Ice's album, while his love-interest is in the audience, while pseudo dry humping and groping other women. How is that, not a sign to drop the zero, and get with another hero!? In short, all the musical performances in this film are horrible, as Ice's mic skills is rhythmically stiff & off-tone, throughout the movie. Those rap sequences really does expose his flaws, both as artist & actor. It's doesn't seem raw. It's sad, too; because all, Vanilla Ice had to do, is show some range and act like himself, not his cocky on-stage persona. Show some true weaknesses of Johnny, while building on his strengths. Instead, the movie chose to shallowing avoids that; in its place, they create, this cartoony, over-the-top childish character. Since, Johnny doesn't have, any emotional depth. He really doesn't bring you, in. In short, nothing, seem genuine. Of course, since this movie is out of touch with reality, Kathy finds this charming as opposed to not buying into, pathetic fake-looking childish call for attention. I really can't stand, Kristen Minter's character, because of this, even if her acting wasn't that bad, and she was semi-attractive. Her character's blind ignorant toward Johnny is frustrating to watch. Well, at least, the audience wasn't sway, as they knew, all of this, was indeed phony. The Improbable Hairstyle, awkward bright, neon clothing and cheesy catchphrases were getting tiresome & dated, even for the time. The gangsta movement was just the corner, waiting for the main spark, the acquittal of four policemen on trial in beating of Rodney King to bring them, into the mainstream. Sooner than later, Vanilla Ice's style, was going to go to the back-burner & along, with this movie. Another thing, about this movie, that hasn't aged well, besides the music; is the outlandish sound effects. All of those, record scratching & tape-recorder rewinds, throughout the film, really does come across, as gimmicky & annoying. As for the camera work & the editing. All of those fast & slow motion montages really seem, not needed. It made the film, a little more unwatchable. It's highly in your face, cheesy. Even, the set design is, out there. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind, the Cloud Cuckoo Land surrealism of the background, but it does, come across, as a bit, distracting. Despite that, I do like the bright dance number & neon opening text, even if it's ripping off, the beginning of director, Spike Lee's 1989's 'Do the Right Thing' & has super-model, Naomi Campbell lip-syncing. I also don't mind, most of the scenery, the film has. After all, cinematographer for this movie, Janusz Kaminski, would later win two Oscars for the films, 1993's 'Schindler's List' & 1998's 'Saving Private Ryan'. Still, that wouldn't be enough to save this movie for me. I really don't like this movie. It's really notoriously dreadful to the point, that even director, David Kellogg, completely disowned it. All the annoying acting, confusing plot-lines, and ear-bleeding rap sequences, makes this, really hard to watch. It's not even that good to call 'So bad, it's good'. In the end, this movie need to store in frozen carbonite, and never be open, again. Better yet, it will be best to destroy this movie with liquid nitrogen if you got a copy. It's just plain old awful! Highly don't recommended.

I OWN THIS MOVIE

[Nimrod542 · 1/10 · 6 September 2001]

I am wondering what Vanilla was thinking when he actually invested 1 million dollars into the production of this film. He should also kill the person who was the costume designer for this movie. With his idiotic Jacket with words all over it. And his stupid hat with the shining metal on it. I also think the plot was something of complete idiocy that noone would belive in their right minds. I will admit the special effects had me laughing till i cried. with the motorcycle jump over the fence THAT looked so bad. If u ever get a chance to see this movie watch it. about anything u do would be more productive than watching this movie. but if u r feeling depressed it will bring u back to happiness because it is so dumb

Result of 1991's Vanilla Ice Fad

[full_meddle_jacket · 1/10 · 13 February 2002]

I heard a funny joke about the ill-fated two-hit wonder Vanilla Ice once, in which the film "9 1/2 Weeks" was mistaken for a documentary on Ice's career.

When the rapper hit it big with his (terrible, I might add) whopping two rap/pop songs, movie execs wasted no time in exploiting his short-lived fame, and this film was the result. The flick is terribly acted (despite an early, yet not wisely chosen appearance from Naomi Campbell) and horribly written. If you want to see a bunch of one-hit-wonders, see "That Thing You Do" instead. --Bud Sturguess, Texas

WOW!!!

[ramspott · 10/10 · 28 January 2004]

This movie is so freaking funny. People reading these reviews might think that the reviewers are trying to be funny because its so bad of a flick. Well, it is a really bad flick, but its sooooo bad, that its hilarious. It really is a rare gift. If you were too old or too young to have appreciated just how ridiculus Vanilla Ice is/was, then skip it. If you are in the 22-32 age range, this movie is a must see. The easiest way I can explain why this movie is enjoyable, is...well....Remember those old Atari football games and stuff when the other dude gets past you so bad, that you can just wrap around the screen to the left and tackle the dude, thus saving the day? Its kinda like that. So bad, that its off the charts, and comes back atcha from the other direction, and slaps you upside the head with laughter. That doesn't do it justice, but at least I tried. Trust me, its funny.

drop that zero and get with the hero

[polyfuse_method313 · 6/10 · 27 July 2005]

To be honest this film is terrible. But the fact is its so rubbish you cant help but laugh at everything about it. Vanilla ice's terrible acting, his dancing, his witty comments, it makes it all worth while watching it. If your having a party and its dying down, get cool as ice on and you'll be laughing all night. For a even greater laugh get the soundtrack ...oh my god!!!!!

storyline in case your interested, vanilla ice and his crew and riding around on motorbikes doing random shows, probably not in sold out arenas. One of vanilla's home boys bikes break down so they end up stopping at a mechanics until it gets fixed. Vanilla takes a shine to a local upper-class girl with a jock boyfriend. With vanilla being such a gangster he ends wine and dining the young lady and shows his true pussy side. But the main storyline is the family are on a witness protection programme and get found out. The daughter gets kidnapped, Vanilla rescues her, Vanilla gets accepted by her dad. Tru tackiness

What the h**l were you thinking??

[bjornar.narland · 1/10 · 19 January 2000]

I recently saw this film as a part of a b-movie night we had. We also saw Killer clowns from outer space and i must say, Cool as ice made the clowns look like Oscar material.

I don't think it is possible to have self esteem after doing a movie like that. What the h**l was he thinking????

Well, many people bought my album, now lets make a movie.

And the fact that it is only on the 74# on the worst movie list is even scarier. Cause if Cool as ice isn't higher on the list, i don't even want to see the other films.

the best movie I have ever seen

[mange-8 · 6 September 1999]

this is by far the funniest movie I have ever seen!! It has great dance scenes in it and some incredible acting by Mr Ice.

It´s so damn funny that I actually have managed to see it twice!! And halfway through the movie, when you thought that nothing more funny possibly can happen, Mr Ice starts dancing in the desert...

This movie is by far the best there is!!!! He is so damn funny.........