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An modern-day assassin, wanting out, is hired for one final job - to kidnap the kids of a local businessman. Things go haywire when it turns out he's chosen to return to the Middle Ages and bring back order to a kingdom in chaos.
The old teen rebel saga is updated for the rap crowd, unfortunately rapper Vanilla Ice is the teen. Ice shows up on a neon-yellow motorcycle which gets everyone's attention, including the female honor student who has never had a rebellious bone in her body. Written by
John Sacksteder <email@example.com>
The last text of the end credits is :"B kool stay n skool", followed by a quick shot of Ice fixing his hat while on the bike (obviously being pulled on a trailer) before giving the "peace" sign. See more »
This "film" is so bad that the director, David Kellogg, couldn't get another job for 8 years afterwards. One wonders why he took the job in the first place ($$). Directing Vanilla Ice in a movie is surely equivalent to selling your soul to the Devil.
Let's not mince words: COOL AS ICE sucks big time. Its one redeeming feature is that it's unintentionally hilarious. (I suppose a Vanilla Ice fan might enjoy the frequent spontaneous rap numbers. However, if you actually respect this freak I pity you.) Surprisingly, Mr. Ice does not turn in the worst performance--although make no mistake, he IS terrible. That honor goes to the two corrupt cop thugs. I think their bumbling ways were supposed to provide comic relief, or something, but since these are the two worst actors to have ever walked the face of the earth, they just come off looking like what they are... talentless idiots. And Michael Gross, late of "Family Ties" and star of numerous bad TV movies, proves once again that he'll do anything for money. Here he plays a former cop, now member of the witness relocation program, who stupidly lets himself be seen on TV so that his old corrupt cop enemies can see him and track him down. This is supposed to form the main plot of the movie. You heard right, this is supposed to be a DRAMA. It's almost inconceivable that this was passed off as a dramatic piece, but it says so right on the video cover. Go figure.
Now to the funny bits, of which there are no shortage. Vanilla Ice is ostensibly the star of the movie, but his jackets should have received top billing. The huge puffy orange jacket he spends the first part of the movie in has to be seen to be believed. You could hide a Lincoln Continental in that thing. And despite the fact that the movie was filmed in the desert, Mr. Ice shows no inclination to remove it. Clearly the man is ready to suffer for his art. The not-quite-as-large but similarly ridiculous black leather (pleather?) jacket he wears for the rest of the movie is worth its weight in comic gold as well. You'll be entertained throughout by the cryptic phrases emblazoned thereon. Things like "Oh yeah" (on the collar), "Sex me up" (on one arm), and "Down by law" (across the back). Obviously these have some symbolic signifigance that I am not grasping in my ignorance. Oh, to be as savvy as Vanilla Ice. Evidently the entire budget of the film was spent on Ice's wardrobe, because everyone else in the movie wears clothes from the clearance rack at Walmart.
Other great moments not to be missed:
Mr. Ice dry humping his teenaged love interest on the floor during a dance number. Very classy.
The peanut butter-sardine-pineapple sandwich. Yum.
Vanilla Ice saying "You don't know me. You don't know me at all!" in an Oscar clip moment. Then he zips off on his dayglo painted motorcycle. Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper were never so cool.
Vanilla Ice and his posse busting through the SECOND floor of a building on their motorcycles. He's so cool, even the laws of physics don't apply.
Ice uttering the hysterical line "Drop that zero. Get wit' a hero." Has to be heard to be appreciated.
Overall I give this masterpiece of schlock a 3/10. It probably doesn't deserve that much, but it sure is funny.
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