Malibu Express (1985) User Reviews

Apparently this is one of Sidaris's better films, which makes me scared.

[BA_Harrison · 5/10 · 6 April 2012]

This is the first film I've watched from my Andy Sidaris 12-film box set (aptly titled Girls, Guns and G-Strings) and if I had any sense it would probably be the last (sadly, I have very little nous when it comes to my choice in film, so it looks like I have my work cut out for me). Sidaris's formula is simple: dumb action films with dumb heroes and sexy women. The men boast big 'taches, big guns and big muscles; the women sport big hair, big tits, and unfeasibly tiny outfits. But while this might sound like B-movie heaven, in Sidaris's hands, it all proves rather tiresome, the deliberate trashiness becoming really boring, really quick.

The plot to Malibu Express comes second to the macho posturing and female nudity, so I won't go into detail, other than to say that it's about industrial espionage and it's crap—not that the action is much better, consisting of poorly choreographed fight scenes, unconvincing shootouts, and the occasional car chase. Even worse is the comic relief, which comes in the form of a family of obnoxious, obese hicks who repeatedly challenge cowboy private eye Cody to drag races—imagine Enos from The Dukes of Hazzard, crossed with Sheriff J.W. Pepper from Bond, the Beverly Hillbillies, and those bikers from Every Which Way You Can, and you still won't come close to how inane and irritating these characters are.

The women are, of course, all attractive (fat hillbilly mother and wheelchair-bound matriarch aside), all over-sexed, and all over the hero, meaning that there are regular bouts of soft-core sex. With such regular titillation on display, it soon loses its novelty factor. Who would have thought that big tits could become tedious? I had more fun keeping a mental tally of the shower scenes and marvelling at the treasure trove of now defunct technology that is on display throughout the film (Cody drives a Delorean, and is mighty proud of his pager and micro-cassette Dictaphone; bad guy Shane opted for Betamax to record his sex sessions).

Malibu Express's wall-to-wall hot totty means that, according to my strict(ish) code, I am compelled to give the film a 4/10; Sybil Danning topless always earns another point, making it a 5 in total, but on no account take that rating as a recommendation.

Depending on your mindset, "Malibu Express" is either the greatest movie ever made... or the dumbest.

[Coventry · 6/10 · 12 September 2021]

Wow, I honestly never thought I'd be writing like this, but ... After seeing "Malibu Express", I've seen enough big naked breasts to last me a couple of months! There were boobs - big ones - everywhere! This entire film feels like a promotional campaign to sell subscriptions to Playboy Magazine. I never heard of writer/director Andy Sidaris before, but I'll definitely be seeking out the rest of his repertoire now. What a pleasantly deranged old pervert he must have been.

Regarding "Malibu Express", I haven't yet figured out how to rate it. This is either a brilliant and deliberately tongue-in-cheek parody of typically 80s P. I. movies and TV-series, or a hopelessly inept but genuine attempt to make one. With all do respect, but to be brutally honest, I really doubt Andy Sidaris is intelligent enough to come up with such an effectively biting satire, so why don't we just label it a lucky shot or a "so bad it's good" classic.

The plot is of minor importance, obviously, but the lead hero Cody Abilene is a wonderful character. He's a clueless P. I. who can't properly shoot his firearm, but thanks to his impressive moustache, muscular torso and dimwit macho charm, all women literally throw themselves bare-chested at his feet. Abilene lives on a boat with an entrance gate, the titular "Malibu Express, and drives around in red DeLorean. Whenever he's not being assaulted by half-naked babes or illegally street-racing with a family of hillbillies, Abilene infiltrates into a rich family full of adulterous people, in order to find out who leaks government information to the Russians. "Malibu Express" is often genuinely funny, the finale is unexpectedly clever (with echoes of Agatha Christie) and the women in the cast are just indescribably gorgeous! Sybil Danning is the most famous, of course, but many others are equally breathtaking: Kimberly McArthur, Lynda Wiesmeier, Barbara Edwards, Lori Sutton, Lorraine Michaels, Suzanne Regard, and even that odd-looking Robyn Hilton.

Express yourself...

[fmarkland32 · 5/10 · 23 March 2007]

Darby Hinton stars as a private eye (Who looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Tom Selleck) who investigates espionage, murder and all kinds of fun stuff while getting laid lots and lots of times. Malibu Express is probably for what it's worth the best movie from Andy Sidaris on a technical level. Of course in my opinion his only other watchable movie was Hard Ticket To Hawaii, anyway Malibu Express has some okay action sequences (Even though Hinton's martial arts sequences are badly staged) and features tons of nudity which is the film's main selling point. The story is completely plot less and extremely hard to follow mainly due to the fact that none of the plot threads are ever pursued in a way that would make this work as a mystery. In fact the ending merely explains the outcome because the movie forgets to connect the dots earlier. Basically this is a plot less and rather goofy affair which works better as comedy than it does as action or mystery.

* * Out of 4-(Fair)

Darby is a hottie

[gcoberly · 26 August 2006]

Hinton is charmingly alluring; the plot is inconsequential.

From his cute days as Daniel Boone's son he has developed into a very handsome man - and you see "most" of him in this soft core flick along with costar Brent Clark who has a HOT shower scene. Actually Darby's most fleshy scene is also in the shower (great ass but no frontal male nudity in this film). Pool views of his torso, however, are definitely eye-candy. There is also a lot of attractive female skin for those who seek it, but not to the point that this is exclusively a "guy flick."

Most of the characters are played with the same underdevelopment as they were written. Don't look for literature or drama here. But if you want light, frothy, sexual titillation... you've found it.

Stacey part II

[haildevilman · 5/10 · 25 August 2006]

Sidaris took his 'Stacey' and remade it with a male lead.

Former child star Darby Hinton takes over the hero role this time.

He's your typical macho hero too. Lives by the sea. Knows about weapons. Can drive anything. Big blonde dude with an eighties mustache. You know the type.

He also beds every loose woman in this film. And that's pretty much every woman in this film. Every 20 minutes it seemed like he scored.

The fact that there were a few porn stars among the cast helped. Ol' Darby wasn't the ONLY guy getting' lucky here.

This had more of a breast fetish than 'Stacey.' For that alone, most men will dig it. But this film was as realistic as your average A-Team episode. That's not a bad thing mind you, just don't forget.

Besides the Boobs, what's the point?

[mdroel20 · 4/10 · 3 April 2020]

Lots of boobies. Lots of boobies. That's about it.

"Yoo-hoo, we're only kidding!"

[la_follette · 1/10 · 15 February 2021]

Hundreds of years from now, when anthropologists sift through cultural artifacts to figure out what Los Angeles was like in 1985, they will stumble upon this movie and stop digging for any more evidence. It's a perfect document of stupid.

There are so many So Cal-centric themes and cultural conceits embedded in this film that it would be impossible to list them all, but let's just mention a few:

• An obsession with cars, and the childish idea that your ride says something about your value as a person. (Cody, the hero, drives a DeLorean and a Firenza, both cherry red)

• A need to mock hillbillies, as seen in the "comic relief" appearances of the Buffingtons. If LA has one calling card, it's that it thinks itself vastly superior to rednecks. Which isn't much of a statement at all.

• The obligatory New York "heavy" with a thick Brooklyn accent and a filthy mouth. Art Metrano, come on down!

You look at the career arcs of the people involved in this Andy Sidaris project and you see an I-405 pile-up of shattered dreams, a real-life "Boogie Nights."

On the plus side, breasts. Lots of breasts.

80's movies rule.

[Sir_watch_alot · 7/10 · 10 August 2020]

And while this one is far from good, it still stands out in the Sidaris universe. Seeing almost all of their movies, I can tell you, this is by far the best. From here it goes downhill. Do what I didn't. Quit while you're ahead.

Guns, Girls, and G-Strings! The Andy Sidaris' inaugural L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies series of films

[a_chinn · 5/10 · 7 July 2020]

Writer/director/producer Andy Sidaris kicks off his L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies (or Triple-B as he called it, Bullets, Bombs, and Babes) series of 12 films. Crass does not begin to describe this 80s video store staple. Mustachioed P.I. Cody Abilene investigates Russians spying on a high tech computer company. As with most John le Carré novels, this leads to equal parts shoot outs, hot shower scenes, and sweaty lovemaking. Featuring numerous Playboy playmates and cult favorite Sybil Danning ("Chained Heat" "Reform School Girls" "Young Lady Chatterley II"), calling this film trashy doesn't even begin to describe it, but if you're in the mood for just about the most crassly 80s movie imaginable, you might enjoy "Malibu Express," which I most certainly did, even if I objectively knew it was complete garbage. Essential viewing for fans of so-bad-it's-good cinema!

A Film for all Time

[JasonXIX · 6/10 · 20 July 2019]

The first time I saw Malibu Express was at the 1985 Cannes Film Festival. Audiences were stunned, and the film received a 10 minute standing ovation. It would go on to win the coveted Palme d'or, proving that director Andy Sidaris is not just a director of his time, but for all time.

B-movies should not be this long

[MyrvQy · 4/10 · 14 January 2023]

This movie is enjoyable but a little slow and too long for what it is.

The action is passable and the acting is OK.

Most of the T'n'A is nice but that is just expected; the blonde girl at the beginning, June, is my favourite.

The gay guy looked cute in his drag outfit.

The Buffingtons were incredibly annoying.

But the thing that is lacking the most is the soundtrack. It should've had more music, maybe even some country rock or any good music at all! It would have made it more dynamic and maybe even cooler.

One missed opportunity was the blonde girl's cameltoe at the beginning, we only get a short glimpse from the side; a full-on cameltoe, front and centre would have made it so much more memorable.

Good memories

[Edermike · 10/10 · 1 April 2006]

This movie is the 80s to me. Cheap and tawdry but also earnest and full of heart. Frankly me and friends liked seeing topless girls and were too young to see them any other way. Yet this movie also had a lot of humor and action. I can still watch it because the lead guy was genuinely personable. The world depicted in this movie exists on its own terms. A cross between the world of MacGyver and John Holmes. There were dubious sequels to this film, but the same cast was not used. While Hard Ticket to Hawaii had one or two moments of fun, they never had the down home feel of this Malibu. I must tell you it still makes me laugh. Now for different reasons. It is both an embrace and a condemnation of the high rollers of the 1980s. The crude attitudes about gays and even a semi rape wouldn't fly today, but it stands as a record of a more ignorant yet more laid back time.

Pleasure before business (#1)

[unbrokenmetal · 7/10 · 24 May 2008]

Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton) is a private eye (living on a huge yacht!) hired to watch over a rich family whose members get involved in cases of blackmail, espionage and murder. The movie uses the typical genre ingredients from the smart-ass off-monologue (explaining the detective's thoughts on the case and clues) to the irresistible femme fatale (Sybil Danning) he meets during his investigations. Because "Malibu Express" has a male hero, it is not completely in line with the 11 following movies about lethal ladies which Andy Sidaris wrote, directed and/or produced until 1998 (read on, I reviewed them all). It was rather "Hard Ticket To Hawaii" which perfected the formula of a typical Sidaris movie. Nonetheless: "Malibu Express" has a lot of scantily clad ladies along the way, is constantly moving at full speed and packed with comedy situations, sometimes as ludicrous as a Russ Meyer movie. I loved the scene when Cody tries to impress two baddies with his muscles - but all of a sudden finds out they are much more muscular than himself... or the girl (Lynda Wiesmeier) trying to make love in a racing car in the middle of a dangerous chase! Oh yes, and „Malibu Express" is "so 80s" with its "make my day" mustached tough guy!

Not a good start

[gridoon · 5/10 · 8 September 2006]

Although "Malibu Express" is officially the first film in the Andy Sidaris "Bullets, Bombs and Babes" series, it's clear that he still hadn't perfected the formula that would dominate his later work. The film has a male lead, and most of the women are portrayed as nymphos / sex objects. Of course, I know that in an Andy Sidaris film the women have a tendency to remove their clothes at the drop of a hat, but they also have a tendency to shoot people, blow things up, etc. Apart from one scene, of a crackshot policewoman embarrassing the hero who is a lousy shot, there is none of that in "Malibu Express": in other words, there is no empowerment to balance the exploitation. The film is a low-rent cross between James Bond, "Smokey and the Bandit" (country music, hicks and car races) and Agatha Christie (there is a murder in a household and everybody is a suspect). It's really not very good - Sybil Danning's exceptional body is one of the few redeeming virtues - but I guess it's better than "Howling II", where Sybil's body was the only redeeming virtue. (**)

This one has it all!

[BlackJack_B · 12 October 2001]

This is what the "Dukes Of Hazzard" would be like if it was geared to adults! Cody Abilene, a man who can't shoot straight with a gun, but can with a...well, you know, is a P.I. trying to solve a crime involving a rich family being bilked out of its cash. This one has it all, gorgeous babes, graphic violence, great sex scenes (for 1985), a good plot, and a hilarious sub-plot involving The Hogg family's cousins, The Buffingtons. A Russ Meyer film made for the 1980's by Andy Sidaris, and a memorable one. The best scene is when Cody needs to find a new car to replace the one he lost, and he goes to a used car lot owned by a woman who recognizes who he is, and when he request to buy a car, the lady starts to seduce him; and later, when he leaves, he says (in a first person voiceover, that he was raped!). Good stuff.

I was actually disappointed in this one

[pmtelefon · 4/10 · 28 July 2021]

I don't want to say that I'm a fan of Andy Sidaris' movies but I've seen most of them. "Malibu Express" isn't as good as most of the others. This one should have been better. Sidaris had all of the dreamy women in place but the problem is with the star, Darby Hinton. Hinton's shirt is off more than the women's. I found that kind of annoying. Of course, I'll watch this one again someday. It's just as fun as it should have been.

KFC Breast Meat

[saint_brett · 2/10 · 23 September 2021]

I think I've cracked the code. I've got the 4-11 on what this Sidaris fella was up to! When the "now hiring" signs went up he was probably going in Hooter's and poaching all the waitresses? Just a theory, but plausible nevertheless.

When you pop these DVDs on a guitar instrumental comes on at the title screen and it's one shade away from sounding like Dire Straits.

Movie starts out with Miss Prissy, specs 'n all, typing the introduction credits on an 80's Apple computer to some Dueling Banjos b-side music. You know what you're in for when a co-star in the movie is called Busty O'shea.

Believe it or not, but none other than John Holmes pulls up in a red sports car and he checks his fobwatch to see what size his time is. 14-hundred hours, I believe? He checks it twice to make sure and grins as assurance.

He seems to be holding the same cowboy hide furbag as the lady from Day of the Warrior which was filmed 11 years later.

Now he's at a shooting range and pulls out his 14" magnum and shoots off a few loads, I mean rounds, but he fails to hit his target though.

Burt Reynolds shows up in Death Race 2000. "Over and out, good buddy." What is this, Convoy now?

This Holmes/Reynolds guy is just one big magnet for flesh. Two neighbors enter his house boat while he's taking a shower - great ass by the way - and I bags the blonde one.

Look at the assets on these two! Talk about a vulgar display of power. (Pass me a bucket of Kentucky Fried, I'll have the breast pieces.) Here he goes again! Talk about spoilt for choice. He's just met the one with the exploded vacuum hair; takes her to dinner and a dance, now she's his penfriend. All this in an evening? (She's the killer by the way.) If you closed your eyes and just listened carefully you'd swear it was Magnum P. I. For some reason it turns into a horror movie, where a sleazebag limo driver is violently murdered, and I thought I saw Jeffrey Dahmer show up a few times?

I guess this one was better than the last 2 Sidaris movies I watched.

However, I'd prefer to watch those 1970 Carter Stevens movies over this Sidaris fella's movies.

They sadly lack any direction and seem to be follow-ups from another story like it's a continuation from another film.

An Uninspired Action-Comedy

[Uriah43 · 4/10 · 6 October 2022]

After hearing reports that the Soviets have been stealing American computer technology, the United States government hires a private eye by the name of "Cody Abilene" (Darby Hinton) to find out who is responsible. To do that, he is invited to spend some time at a mansion owned by a wealthy widow named "Lady Lillian Chamberlain" (Niki Dantine) where it is suspected that one of her family members is directly involved. When he gets there, however, he soon discovers that there is quite a bit of intrigue already happening with both Lady Chamberlain's daughter "Anita Chamberlain" (Shelley Taylor Morgan) and her daughter-in-law "Liza Chamberlain" (Lorraine Michaels) being blackmailed by the butler "Shane" (Brett Baxter Clark) for various acts of indiscretion with him. Not only that, but not like the fact that Cody is learning too much about their illegal operation, the Soviet agent in charge decides to send three hitmen to terminate his investigation--once and for all. Now, rather than reveal any more, I will just say that this rather low-budget "secret agent film" contained a decent mixture of action, comedy, sex and intrigue but never really excelled in any of these particular areas. To that extent, about the only notable thing about this movie is the number of attractive female actresses and models who definitely brighten the otherwise dull scenery. Be that as it may, while possibly not a bad film necessarily, it isn't something that I can highly recommend either and I have rated it accordingly. Slightly below average.

Russ Meyer Lite...And Worth It

[statuskuo · 6/10 · 3 September 2013]

"Malibu Express" are those movies your parents didn't let you watch back in the day. When the plot slows, that's when the girl's tops come off. And THANK GOD. Andy Sidaris knows what we want. Similar to Russ Meyer...this is a sweet romp of a ridiculous plot. But everyone attacks it with such sincerity, you HAVE to love it. I wished I was old enough to have given the option to watch this at a drive-in. This would've been awesome.

Movie starts strong, but then meanders into really tough to sit thru story. And you start to player hate on Cody, since he gets all these beautiful 80's playmates.

No matter, I enjoyed it for what it was.

mikefx is full of it

[superjeppy · 1/10 · 7 May 2003]

movie is a waste of film. lots of ugly naked people, thanks, Thats just what I wanna see...

The jokes weren't funny either. How this film got made is a wonder to me. This is the sorry pimple on the butt of the soft porn industry.

A pox on any who think this is worth while viewing material.

Malibu Express

[Scarecrow-88 · 7/10 · 26 September 2009]

I believe that in order to enjoy an Andy Sidaris movie, you must be a REALLY undemanding viewer, accepting that story-telling takes a back seat to showing as much bare female flesh as possible along with a fair amount of violence(..carried out in a more tongue-in-cheek way). While the plot in Malibu Express does become rather needlessly convoluted, Sidaris doesn't allow it to get in the way of delivering plenty of fake tits and athletic bodies. Darby Hinton, the star of the film(..modeled after the looks of a Jameson Parker or Chuck Norris)is all smiles, as well as he should be considering the amount of ladies who offer their bodies to him, as a private eye put on the case of uncovering the identity of the person behind selling computer chip secrets to the Russians. Soon he is involved in uncovering the person involved in the murder of a butler / driver who was blackmailing the household of a rich wheel-chair bound aristocrat, Lady Lillian Chamberlain(Niki Dantine).

It all ties to a businessman whose being supplied monetary funds from Lady Lillian's daughter, Liza(Lorraine Michaels). He sends his muscle after Cody(Hinton), needing to recover some film shot by Shane(Brett Clark), the butler before he died after the killer shot and stabbed him. The film has the face of the killer who was escaping after removing a tape from Shane's video recorder. Sybil Danning has a minor role as Contessa Luciana, an agent who not only hires Cody but is one of his (many)lovers as well. Well, Danning is here basically to show a little skin, mostly in a teeny bikini or gowns which are designed to showcase her figure and big jugs. Practically the entire female cast hired by Sidaris are nude models and Playboy bunnies, and Cody gets plenty of action(..as does Clark who not only beds Lady Lillian's daughter, Liza, but her daughter-in-law, Anita, played by Shelley Taylor Morgan, as well)in the process.

Thrown in the mix is this family of hicks who constantly challenge Cody to street races and a female cop, Beverly(Lori Sutton), who assists him in his case..among other things. Unveiled as Cody works on the case is that Lillian's son, Stuart(Michael A Andrews), married to Anita, is gay(..and moonlights as a transvestite,), one of three Shane was attempting to extort. Cody's affair with a race car driver, June Khnockers(..yuck, yuck), is played for laughs when he uses her vehicle to evade the trio of assassins after the role of film..Lynda Wiesmeier is always pulling out her tits, often getting the attention she seeks after. Another gag is two honeys who have a boat docked on the same harbor as Cody, always calling on him for a little hanky panky, with him often too busy to take them up on their offers. It's important to understand what you are getting yourself into when popping in an Andy Sidaris movie because his work doesn't exactly appeal to the head on your shoulders..if you catch my drift.

Low budget mess

[Leofwine_draca · 3/10 · 20 October 2021]

My first exposure to an Andy Sidaris film and it's hardly one to set the box office on fire. Instead what plays out is a cheapjack thriller with some exceptionally wooden acting, listless plotting and cheesy action sequences. Sidaris shoehorns gratuitous nudity into the storyline at every opportunity, and the end result is a low budget mess, nothing more.

This is the 80's

[BandSAboutMovies · 8/10 · 13 May 2019]

Back in 1985, there was no internet. If you wanted something racy, you stayed up until 2:15 AM and turned on HBO or Cinemax, where chances were that that something racy was going to be Malibu Express. It's a cultural touchstone that still instantly bonds you with anyone who watched this way back in those analog days.

Cody Abilene - even the name makes me tear up a little - is a wealthy playboy/private-investigator. Think Thomas Magnum with worse aim, more money and the opportunity to actually get laid by a bevy of women, unlike that TV show. He's played by Darby Hinton, who started his career on the Disney Daniel Boone TV show before going to high school in Los Angeles and Switzerland then attending college on a cruise ship. Really, he did - it's called the World Campus Afloat Institute for Shipboard Education and it went around the world to study various cultures.

The plot concerns hacking computers for the Russians, a topic that was as hot in 1985 as it is in 2019, as well as sex and shenanigans amongst the very rich. Other than being a detective, Cody spends the majority of this film's running time following the three f's - fighting, fleeing and well, that third of the three f's - with a bevy of beauties including Playboy Playmates Kimberly McArthur (she's in Easy Money), Barbara Edwards, Lorraine Michaels, and Lynda Wiesmeier, who shows up in Joysticks and Cirio H. Santiago's Wheels of Fire.

Cody's main girl may be police officer Beverly Mcafee, but let's face facts. Sybil Danning's Contessa Luciana is the whole reason why I've seen this movie more times than I can count on my body parts. I'm not even going to try to apologize for thirteen-year-old me and my raging hormones. It's Sybil Danning, a reason to believe in the existence of a Higher Power.

This entire movie is basically a remake of Sidaris' first film, Stacey. It doesn't matter. There's less of a plot than gunplay, car chases, sex scenes and bikinis. Andy didn't make movies to make you question the human condition or ponder the infinite abyss. He made movies to entertain you at 2:45 AM.

While many think of this movie as the initial "L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies" or "Girls with Guns" film, no major characters or cast members appear in the other movies. That said, in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Cody's brother Rowdy shows up.

You can watch this on Tubi or grab the amazing new blu ray from Mill Creek Entertainment. They previously put out an entire set of Andy Sidaris films, but this new release has a cleaned up presentation and extras. I love Mill Creek - not just because they sent me this for review - but because they get hard to find films and release them into places like Walmart!

Pretty Good

[russe-1 · 7/10 · 15 December 2002]

I must say that Malibu Express is one of Andy Sidaris better movies.

The woman in this movie were real not like his other movies where a average guy would not have a chance dating them. I liked this movie alot and would highly recommend it to my friends.

Jump on the Sybil "Express"!

[Mister-6 · 8/10 · 18 November 1999]

Okay, guys, why do we watch Andy Sidaris films?

That's right, and more power to him, I say.

Any guy who makes a living out of making red-blooded movies about murder, deceit, blackmail and double-crosses then loads them with more beautiful women than a year's worth of Playboy subscriptions is my kinda film maker.

Hinton is the detective on the case but let's not talk about him. What about those ladies? Weismeier, Edwards, Sutton and Michaels are all women who deserve a second look (or third or fourth or seventeenth), but then there's Sybil Danning.

Anyone familiar with my reviews of her movies knows I think any Sybil is good Sybil and this one is about as good as it gets. She is out in full force and takes command of the screen like no one else.

But even if you just pay attention to the story, that won't hurt, either. It's actually a good one this time around and makes you wonder what the next plot twist is.

The perfect guy movie. Sorry, ladies.

Eight stars and a big shiny pistol for "Malibu Express".