If you, like some people, think that Hallmark Christmas movies couldn't possibly get any worse, YOU ARE WRONG. You are so wrong, you should be named Mr. False McWrongerton because there is a much, Much, MUCH lower level of Hallmark Hell that I wasn't fully aware existed...until I watched "Joyeux Noel" last night.
Lea, a copy editor/grammar nazi, at The Post opened the movie "Joyeux Noel" in some random antique trinket shop, reading a children's bedtime story about two strangers locking eyes and falling in love (before knowing each other's names, occupations, religious beliefs, socioeconomic status, or whether the other person snores or not). Apparently, this was a story that Lea's dad (who is now dead) and mom (who needs to cut the umbilical cord already) used to read to her nearly every night of Lea's childhood, which is why she idolizes love at first sight - and has remained tellingly single well into her thirties. On her way out the door of the shop with her mom, Lea purchased an old jewelry/music box from France on a whim.
As our nation fawned over a newfound romantic painting of some faceless, womanly-shaped body, Lea watched the news about it from her living room while she messed with her new box and happened to find a tiny journal in a drawer of the antique box that had a detailed pencil drawing of the famous painting and unfinished journal entries about two teenagers falling desperately into forbidden love! This discovery part of the movie was terrible...and it only got worse from there.
Lea's quirky work friend pitched the story idea of tracking down this artist and finding out more about the love story to their boss at the newspaper, which is how Lea ended up in small town, France with actual journalist, Mark. Lea was ecstatic because local legend has it that you will lock eyes with your true love at the town's market at Christmas time. Mark is cynical and underwhelmed. Upon landing, Mark immediately made the wise decision to go straight to the hotel to sleep off jet lag, but Lea beelined from food vendor to food vendor at the Christmas market, eating her way through town like the very hungry caterpillar...and always keeping an eye out for a man in the hope of eventually locking eyes with her true love. That never happens. 🙄
Mark & Lea spend the rest of the movie trapped on the same movie set together, recreating the scenes of the love story written in the journal as some weird way of conducting actual sleuthing to find clues that will uncover what happened to the artist and his "true love". At one point, we were subjected to one of the worst montages we've ever seen in a Hallmark movie where the two actors simply walk back and forth across the same set at different times of day while we hear them talk about stuff. The only redeeming parts to this movie were the French kids who kept kicking Mark in the shins...and the mischievous little gnomes.
In the end, Mark and Lea solve the mystery. They discover the artist/writer of the journal, in time to learn that the girl he wrote about never showed up at the church so they could elope, he never saw her again, and he eventually married someone else entirely; crushing Lea's unrealistic idea of love. Yet somehow, by some Christmas miracle because there was literally no spark, Lea and Mark fall in love with each other. I don't understand HOW because Lea spends most of their interactions POLICING MARK'S GRAMMAR. Honestly, I've never been so thankful to see Hallmark roll credits.
Oh, wait! I HAVE been just as thankful to see Hallmark roll credits when this same actress (from the show Grey's Anatomy) starred in another Hallmark Christmas movie LAST YEAR! Listen, I review all new Hallmark releases each year on my FB page for the sheer joy of subjecting my husband to watching all of them so we can poke fun at each one together, like some sadistic bonding activity. Last year's movie was SO BAD I refused to review it and I left it off of my movie rating list entirely as punishment for wasting 84 minutes of my life. Its name was "My Southern Family Christmas" (also starring Jaicy Elliot), it was about - get this - a journalist who went in search of a heartwarming story at Christmas and fell in love, and it's tagline was - GET THIS - "Put a Little Joyeux Into Your Noel". I know what I'm about to say might shock some of you, but I think Hallmark might be RECYCLING MATERIAL EACH YEAR.
Lea, a copy editor/grammar nazi, at The Post opened the movie "Joyeux Noel" in some random antique trinket shop, reading a children's bedtime story about two strangers locking eyes and falling in love (before knowing each other's names, occupations, religious beliefs, socioeconomic status, or whether the other person snores or not). Apparently, this was a story that Lea's dad (who is now dead) and mom (who needs to cut the umbilical cord already) used to read to her nearly every night of Lea's childhood, which is why she idolizes love at first sight - and has remained tellingly single well into her thirties. On her way out the door of the shop with her mom, Lea purchased an old jewelry/music box from France on a whim.
As our nation fawned over a newfound romantic painting of some faceless, womanly-shaped body, Lea watched the news about it from her living room while she messed with her new box and happened to find a tiny journal in a drawer of the antique box that had a detailed pencil drawing of the famous painting and unfinished journal entries about two teenagers falling desperately into forbidden love! This discovery part of the movie was terrible...and it only got worse from there.
Lea's quirky work friend pitched the story idea of tracking down this artist and finding out more about the love story to their boss at the newspaper, which is how Lea ended up in small town, France with actual journalist, Mark. Lea was ecstatic because local legend has it that you will lock eyes with your true love at the town's market at Christmas time. Mark is cynical and underwhelmed. Upon landing, Mark immediately made the wise decision to go straight to the hotel to sleep off jet lag, but Lea beelined from food vendor to food vendor at the Christmas market, eating her way through town like the very hungry caterpillar...and always keeping an eye out for a man in the hope of eventually locking eyes with her true love. That never happens. 🙄
Mark & Lea spend the rest of the movie trapped on the same movie set together, recreating the scenes of the love story written in the journal as some weird way of conducting actual sleuthing to find clues that will uncover what happened to the artist and his "true love". At one point, we were subjected to one of the worst montages we've ever seen in a Hallmark movie where the two actors simply walk back and forth across the same set at different times of day while we hear them talk about stuff. The only redeeming parts to this movie were the French kids who kept kicking Mark in the shins...and the mischievous little gnomes.
In the end, Mark and Lea solve the mystery. They discover the artist/writer of the journal, in time to learn that the girl he wrote about never showed up at the church so they could elope, he never saw her again, and he eventually married someone else entirely; crushing Lea's unrealistic idea of love. Yet somehow, by some Christmas miracle because there was literally no spark, Lea and Mark fall in love with each other. I don't understand HOW because Lea spends most of their interactions POLICING MARK'S GRAMMAR. Honestly, I've never been so thankful to see Hallmark roll credits.
Oh, wait! I HAVE been just as thankful to see Hallmark roll credits when this same actress (from the show Grey's Anatomy) starred in another Hallmark Christmas movie LAST YEAR! Listen, I review all new Hallmark releases each year on my FB page for the sheer joy of subjecting my husband to watching all of them so we can poke fun at each one together, like some sadistic bonding activity. Last year's movie was SO BAD I refused to review it and I left it off of my movie rating list entirely as punishment for wasting 84 minutes of my life. Its name was "My Southern Family Christmas" (also starring Jaicy Elliot), it was about - get this - a journalist who went in search of a heartwarming story at Christmas and fell in love, and it's tagline was - GET THIS - "Put a Little Joyeux Into Your Noel". I know what I'm about to say might shock some of you, but I think Hallmark might be RECYCLING MATERIAL EACH YEAR.