Review of Things 5

Things 5 (2019)
2/10
Dumb Things
18 April 2023
A man walks into a science lab over the credits. Then a woman smokes an entire cigarette. Then she goes for a run. She stops to do stretches. She runs back home to eat a slice of pizza.

That's the first 7 minutes of the movie.

She talks on the phone about a party and going into work at the science lab before taking a long shower when a guy in a rubber monster mask comes and kills her.

We get essentially the same chain of events several more times until the movie ends.

Having seen director Joe Sherlock's other sequel film, Axegrinder 3, it's clear he has an MO very reminiscent to the mail order fetish films by W. A. V. E. in the 90s. Sherlock loves seeing large women get naked and then die.

While this will no doubt put a lot of viewers off, the bigger problem is the absolute ineptitude of the entire thing. Much like Mark Polonia's recent films, it's mostly vignettes of people struggling to speak their lines before dying (splashing blood and a Halloween prop).

There must be a market for his types of films, but it's not average horror fans (at least, the average fans who watch crap like Things 555) and therein lies the problem.

P. S. This bizarre series seems to have split off from the original anthology based on short stories to be pseudo-sequels to the 1989 Canadian movie by the same title.
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