"Don't push your luck." Advice that CBS and Fox should've taken when they wanted to give M*A*S*H not one, but two follow-up spin-offs. Since I decided to talk about AfterMASH, I figured I might as well review W*A*L*T*E*R too, because I hate myself. So, yeah, AfterMASH was a disaster that was poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted (except by Morgan, Farr and Christopher), and an overall terrible concept. So why on earth the network thought we needed TWO M*A*S*H follow-ups is beyond me. AfterMASH wasn't exactly hot property by 1984, but ever since Radar's cameo on that show, they decided it was time to catch up with our favorite little clerk from Iowa. If you didn't see the episode, Radar shows up on Potter's doorstep, getting cold feet about his wedding. It's resolved in 30 minutes, he gets married, and lives happily ever after... or does he? No. Of course not. Why the hell can't these writers give Radar a break? They can never allow him to be happy or ever allow him to have any luck with girls. But that is only the tip of the iceberg. It's only one of many terrible ideas they came up with for a pilot episode to Radar's own TV series, and thank God it never got picked up. This one is worse than AfterMASH, as this one had NO effort and NOBODY was trying. Hard to believe two of the writers worked on Lucille Ball's successful sitcoms, but then, after this they made Life With Lucy, so it's obvious they were burnt out. It was also co-written by Everett Greenbaum, who I lost a ton of respect for after that horrible M*A*S*H episode "House Arrest." Finally, our director is Bill Bixby... insert Incredible Hulk joke of your choice here. I kinda wonder why Gary Burghoff agreed to come back and play Radar again. He left M*A*S*H in 1979 because he was tired of playing a manchild, but then two guest spots on AfterMASH, and then this. I guess the M*A*S*H residuals alone weren't enough to pay the bills.
First of all, why are there asterisks in the title? Is it supposed to be like M*A*S*H? I guess, but it's not cute! So we see Walter, now no longer called Radar, living with his cousin in St. Louis, Missouri, in the year 1954. His cousin, Wendell, got Walter a job on the police force, and believe it or not, I like that concept. It's actually a good idea. Radar as a cop. It had potential... and I say HAD because they don't do anything with it! Now what has Walter done to get himself to this point? Wasn't he supposed to be married, and what about the farm in Iowa? Well, rather than seeing flashbacks or have that explained to us gradually, this episode begins with an interview conducted by Clete Roberts. That's right, they dragged poor Clete out of the nursing home for another of these ridiculous interview shows. I mean, "The Interview" was one of M*A*S*H's better episodes, and "Our Finest Hour" from Season 7 was... acceptable, but it was more of an excuse to do a clip show. So why are they doing it again? Clete's doing follow-up interviews with members of the 4077th. Why? Who is going to care about that? He mentions, "last week, we talked with Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, and now we've caught up with Radar O"Reilly..." um, Clete, you know they had real names, right? Why are you using their nicknames? Oh, and this interview is shown intermittenly throughout the episode. Every time characters see a TV set, the interview is in progress. That's a clumsy storytelling gimmick if ever I've seen one. Why couldn't Walter just tell us this stuff by way of being asked about it by new characters? There was no point to that stupid interview! As for the farm, he had to sell it. He sent his mom to live with his aunt while he moved in with Wendell. And as far as his bride, she leaves him... but not before leaving him an obnoxious letter about how she still loves another guy. So why did you marry Walter and then just abandon him a week later? What an ('S' word that rhymes with mutt). So, after that, Walter went to a drug store to buy sleeping pills so he could O.D. and kill himself. Suicide is painless. Um... okay, if this series was meant to be a drama, this would be okay, but it's meant to be a comedy! They got the stupid laugh track blasting away every time a character says something stupid. Being depressed, down-and-out and wanting to kill yourself is NOT funny! Well, the pharmacist, played by Victoria Jackson, that girl from SNL who sounds like she inhaled a pound of helium, plays the drug store clerk and tries to perk Walter up, by way of an embarrassing display of "singing" and "dancing." Don't quit your day job, Victoria... her character is named Victoria too. So we jump back to the present, and I like how the TVs in the store window cut off before Clete says who they're interviewing next week. Ha, well insert your predictions here. B.J.? Hot Lips? Winchester? What have they been up to? Luckily they never got crappy spin-offs of their own, so CBS knew when to quit. Where was I? So, Walter is asked for his autograph by some kids who watched the interview, because it's pretty much the ONLY thing on TV today. He signs an autograph and then... uh oh, his wallet's gone! Cue muted trumpets!
Great police work, Officer O'Reilly. Oh, but he's gotta get that wallet back, his "M*A*S*H picture is in it." Yes, that's seriously what he calls it. He sounds like a fan who received an autographed wallet-sized photo of the cast. You're not even trying!! Unfortunately, the pickpocket has to wait because he and his horny cousin Wendell-yeah I forgot to mention this guy is an extremely poor man's Fonzie-have to report to a disturbance at a strip club. Walter is hestitant to go because he's too shy to see naked ladies. There are NO words. Good God, Walter, you're not a kid anymore. You know, now that I think about it, Sandy was right to leave your squeamish little ass. I seem to recall Walter being much more adult in his final M*A*S*H episode, so who's bright idea was it to revert him back to "childhood"? Anyway, this strip club scene goes nowhere, and much like every other moment in this show, it's not funny! There's a moment where Walter has to call down a dove by using his dove-calling abilities... didn't know he had those. By the way, Dick Miller, what are you doing here? Roger Corman taught you better than this. Sadly he, along with Noble Willingham, two funny guys and wonderful performers, were roped into this piece of crap too. Anyway, Walter and Wendell see the little bugger who stole their wallets and chase him down the street. When they finally catch him, he gives Walter a sob story about his parents being dead, and apparently he has no priors, so it looks like he's innocent. Feeling bad for the little urchin, Walter offers to buy him a shake... with what? Your wallet's still gone, dude. Oh, but it's at Victoria Jackson's drug store, so I guess he's got a tab. So while they drink down root beer floats, Walter bellyaches about his "M*A*S*H picture", and in case you're wondering what exactly his M*A*S*H picture is, it's a photo of Hawkeye, Hot Lips and Henry, which he showed to Wendell at the start of the show. Okay, his old friends from the 4077th. That's fine. But what about Trapper? I recall he and Radar being good friends, so why is he being shafted? I mean, he was closer to Trapper than he was Hot Lips (at the time) Maybe it would remind viewers that they could be watching Trapper John M.D. instead of this garbage. But anyway, lo and behold, the punk kid coughs up the McGuffin! He says he did it because he lost his own father in Korea, and because he and his grandmother needed the money. Anyway, Officer O'Reilly decides not to arrest him, but makes him promise to meet him there at the drug store on Saturday, so he can become a mentor to him. Yeah, can't see how that could go wrong. The End.
W*A*L*T*E*R... I'm not mad. I'm not even disappointed, really, because I went into this expecting zero effort and expecting to hate it, and it did not disappoint. I knew this thing was going to insult my intelligence and treat me like an idiot for watching it. Like I said, the idea of Radar being a cop had potential, but they just kept messing it up! There was no clear thought process with this horrible show. The characters are bland, unlikable, and not funny. The script is horrible. The directing was horrible. The acting was beyond corny. Nobody in this thing could give a decent performance. It's like they weren't even trying! This thing was a disaster right from the start, which is probably why it wasn't picked up, and this "pilot" never aired again after that night in 1984. M*A*S*H was pretty much dead at this point, and this show was the final nail in the coffin. How could such a fantastic series get such HORRIBLE spin-offs? If you look at another great show, like All in the Family, it had two very successful spin-offs: The Jeffersons and Maude. Now, some people consider Trapper John M.D. to be a continuation of the 1970 MASH movie, rather than the series, but it's clearly based off the latter. That was the RIGHT WAY to do a follow-up series to M*A*S*H: they don't make constant references, they don't parade in old characters for the hell of it, they have well-rounded supporting characters, and it doesn't try way too hard to be funny. Plus, it ran for 7 seasons. THAT'S how you do it! It makes me wonder why WALTER wasn't set in modern day, so Gary could play Radar closer to his own age? Why did it need to be set in the '50s? In closing, it goes without saying that this one-hit BLUNDER is a big mess that we should all forget about. This and AfterMASH. Forget'em. Just stick to the original, because this shameful attempt at a follow-up just plain S*U*C*K*S!
First of all, why are there asterisks in the title? Is it supposed to be like M*A*S*H? I guess, but it's not cute! So we see Walter, now no longer called Radar, living with his cousin in St. Louis, Missouri, in the year 1954. His cousin, Wendell, got Walter a job on the police force, and believe it or not, I like that concept. It's actually a good idea. Radar as a cop. It had potential... and I say HAD because they don't do anything with it! Now what has Walter done to get himself to this point? Wasn't he supposed to be married, and what about the farm in Iowa? Well, rather than seeing flashbacks or have that explained to us gradually, this episode begins with an interview conducted by Clete Roberts. That's right, they dragged poor Clete out of the nursing home for another of these ridiculous interview shows. I mean, "The Interview" was one of M*A*S*H's better episodes, and "Our Finest Hour" from Season 7 was... acceptable, but it was more of an excuse to do a clip show. So why are they doing it again? Clete's doing follow-up interviews with members of the 4077th. Why? Who is going to care about that? He mentions, "last week, we talked with Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, and now we've caught up with Radar O"Reilly..." um, Clete, you know they had real names, right? Why are you using their nicknames? Oh, and this interview is shown intermittenly throughout the episode. Every time characters see a TV set, the interview is in progress. That's a clumsy storytelling gimmick if ever I've seen one. Why couldn't Walter just tell us this stuff by way of being asked about it by new characters? There was no point to that stupid interview! As for the farm, he had to sell it. He sent his mom to live with his aunt while he moved in with Wendell. And as far as his bride, she leaves him... but not before leaving him an obnoxious letter about how she still loves another guy. So why did you marry Walter and then just abandon him a week later? What an ('S' word that rhymes with mutt). So, after that, Walter went to a drug store to buy sleeping pills so he could O.D. and kill himself. Suicide is painless. Um... okay, if this series was meant to be a drama, this would be okay, but it's meant to be a comedy! They got the stupid laugh track blasting away every time a character says something stupid. Being depressed, down-and-out and wanting to kill yourself is NOT funny! Well, the pharmacist, played by Victoria Jackson, that girl from SNL who sounds like she inhaled a pound of helium, plays the drug store clerk and tries to perk Walter up, by way of an embarrassing display of "singing" and "dancing." Don't quit your day job, Victoria... her character is named Victoria too. So we jump back to the present, and I like how the TVs in the store window cut off before Clete says who they're interviewing next week. Ha, well insert your predictions here. B.J.? Hot Lips? Winchester? What have they been up to? Luckily they never got crappy spin-offs of their own, so CBS knew when to quit. Where was I? So, Walter is asked for his autograph by some kids who watched the interview, because it's pretty much the ONLY thing on TV today. He signs an autograph and then... uh oh, his wallet's gone! Cue muted trumpets!
Great police work, Officer O'Reilly. Oh, but he's gotta get that wallet back, his "M*A*S*H picture is in it." Yes, that's seriously what he calls it. He sounds like a fan who received an autographed wallet-sized photo of the cast. You're not even trying!! Unfortunately, the pickpocket has to wait because he and his horny cousin Wendell-yeah I forgot to mention this guy is an extremely poor man's Fonzie-have to report to a disturbance at a strip club. Walter is hestitant to go because he's too shy to see naked ladies. There are NO words. Good God, Walter, you're not a kid anymore. You know, now that I think about it, Sandy was right to leave your squeamish little ass. I seem to recall Walter being much more adult in his final M*A*S*H episode, so who's bright idea was it to revert him back to "childhood"? Anyway, this strip club scene goes nowhere, and much like every other moment in this show, it's not funny! There's a moment where Walter has to call down a dove by using his dove-calling abilities... didn't know he had those. By the way, Dick Miller, what are you doing here? Roger Corman taught you better than this. Sadly he, along with Noble Willingham, two funny guys and wonderful performers, were roped into this piece of crap too. Anyway, Walter and Wendell see the little bugger who stole their wallets and chase him down the street. When they finally catch him, he gives Walter a sob story about his parents being dead, and apparently he has no priors, so it looks like he's innocent. Feeling bad for the little urchin, Walter offers to buy him a shake... with what? Your wallet's still gone, dude. Oh, but it's at Victoria Jackson's drug store, so I guess he's got a tab. So while they drink down root beer floats, Walter bellyaches about his "M*A*S*H picture", and in case you're wondering what exactly his M*A*S*H picture is, it's a photo of Hawkeye, Hot Lips and Henry, which he showed to Wendell at the start of the show. Okay, his old friends from the 4077th. That's fine. But what about Trapper? I recall he and Radar being good friends, so why is he being shafted? I mean, he was closer to Trapper than he was Hot Lips (at the time) Maybe it would remind viewers that they could be watching Trapper John M.D. instead of this garbage. But anyway, lo and behold, the punk kid coughs up the McGuffin! He says he did it because he lost his own father in Korea, and because he and his grandmother needed the money. Anyway, Officer O'Reilly decides not to arrest him, but makes him promise to meet him there at the drug store on Saturday, so he can become a mentor to him. Yeah, can't see how that could go wrong. The End.
W*A*L*T*E*R... I'm not mad. I'm not even disappointed, really, because I went into this expecting zero effort and expecting to hate it, and it did not disappoint. I knew this thing was going to insult my intelligence and treat me like an idiot for watching it. Like I said, the idea of Radar being a cop had potential, but they just kept messing it up! There was no clear thought process with this horrible show. The characters are bland, unlikable, and not funny. The script is horrible. The directing was horrible. The acting was beyond corny. Nobody in this thing could give a decent performance. It's like they weren't even trying! This thing was a disaster right from the start, which is probably why it wasn't picked up, and this "pilot" never aired again after that night in 1984. M*A*S*H was pretty much dead at this point, and this show was the final nail in the coffin. How could such a fantastic series get such HORRIBLE spin-offs? If you look at another great show, like All in the Family, it had two very successful spin-offs: The Jeffersons and Maude. Now, some people consider Trapper John M.D. to be a continuation of the 1970 MASH movie, rather than the series, but it's clearly based off the latter. That was the RIGHT WAY to do a follow-up series to M*A*S*H: they don't make constant references, they don't parade in old characters for the hell of it, they have well-rounded supporting characters, and it doesn't try way too hard to be funny. Plus, it ran for 7 seasons. THAT'S how you do it! It makes me wonder why WALTER wasn't set in modern day, so Gary could play Radar closer to his own age? Why did it need to be set in the '50s? In closing, it goes without saying that this one-hit BLUNDER is a big mess that we should all forget about. This and AfterMASH. Forget'em. Just stick to the original, because this shameful attempt at a follow-up just plain S*U*C*K*S!