In his My Year of Flops, Nathan Rabin coined the term "sh***y miracle" as a twist on the "so bad it's good" movie mentality. For Rabin, though, this designation didn't just mean that the film was enjoyable just because it was bad. These were films that were truly special, a hail mary of perfect badness. Rabin writes: "In a sh***y miracle, everything goes awry. It's not a matter of one sorry element dragging the rest down; it's every terrible component amplifying the awfulness of everything else. These shitty miracles represent the perfect storm of bad ideas and miscalculation. Everything must line up perfectly for a sh***y miracle to occur."
REMEMBER THE GOAL is exactly that. A film that should join the ranks of BIRDEMIC, THE ROOM, SHOWGIRLS, and GIGLI as movies so terribly unwatchable that they are fodder for audiences everywhere to watch and enjoy as an epic cinematic car crash. Add the Christian movie element to the film, and miraculous is certainly an ironic term to describe the absolute train wreck of this film.
Where does one start? Is it with the performance of Allee-Sutton Hethcoat as Courtney Smith-Donnelly and her monotone delivery of parables and inspirational anecdotes? Also, note that both actress and character have maintained hyphenated names. Hethcoat's delivery is so dry that it is well after a humorous line is delivered that you have to rewind in your head and realize it is written as a joke. Despite being the coach, she wears shorts to practice and yoga pants to class. As a science teacher at the local Chrisitan Academy, short skirts seem inappropriate attire for a chemistry lab, but director Dave Christiano's male gaze will not be denied. Beyond ogling the lead actress, the film has more than a few uncomfortable montages of teen girls running toward the camera. Feeling more like an 80s sexploitation film waiting to happen, Christiano's choice to shoot the teenage girls full body straight on--bounding and bouncing toward the camera is hilarious and uncomfortable all at once. But the misogyny doesn't end there. Coach Donnelly has a strategy to train her girls to run that the film promotes as some sort of secret and heretical idea (you know...like Jesus). However, even a layman to the sport understands the idea of pacing and training to run a stronger race...so the film sets up a twist ending that has no twist at all. But even Donnelly can't explain it to us. Another male coach from another school must first explain the strategy to the audience, leaving the female coach then to re-explain her master plan, which is no sort of master plan at all. Even here, men are smarter than the women. There is also an inexplicable symbol as the teammates and coach all put their fists together...and somehow that represents a team. Is it a cross? A "T"? Why does that represent team? So many questions.
Why would a coach choose not to reveal their strategy at the risk of getting fired? I am certain Nashville has people of color in its population. Where are they? Why would an Athletic Director of a private school fire a coach mid- season? Why would that same AD hire a parent as a coach? Why do white girls from Nashville not sweat when they have run 3 miles? Why... ? (there are about 40 more of these)
The film is filled with problems that aren't really problems. A 15- year-old girl isn't allowed to date, and apparently, that includes just stepping onto a boy's front porch. Friends smoke weed and then immediately give it up for no reason at all except "the power of prayer." A girl has self-esteem issues until her coach lovingly tells her that she wouldn't sell her to anyone at any price which hilariously works as a cautionary tale against human trafficking. One parent exclaims to her daughter after running a race "YOU'RE AWFUL!" as the rest of the team and nearby parents gawk. It is hilariously bad. But that is only one of the gems from the script. There are more like:
"I CAN'T READ!!" "Christianity doesn't make sense." "Remember that thing I asked you to do after dinner?" "If I know Jesus like I think I do, he slipped out the back door."
...and on and on and on. This movie isn't occasionally awful. It is consistent scene by scene and line by line. The parabolic platitudes of a female coach with her plastered smile and varied hair styles solve every issue, heal every wound, and also win championships. How does one then rank a movie like REMEMBER THE GOAL? As a film setting out to do what it is trying to do...it is awful. However, as an unintentional comedy, I laughed out loud more in this film than any other comedy I have seen this year. Choose how you see this movie and you will see either a stinker....or a sh***y miracle.
REMEMBER THE GOAL is exactly that. A film that should join the ranks of BIRDEMIC, THE ROOM, SHOWGIRLS, and GIGLI as movies so terribly unwatchable that they are fodder for audiences everywhere to watch and enjoy as an epic cinematic car crash. Add the Christian movie element to the film, and miraculous is certainly an ironic term to describe the absolute train wreck of this film.
Where does one start? Is it with the performance of Allee-Sutton Hethcoat as Courtney Smith-Donnelly and her monotone delivery of parables and inspirational anecdotes? Also, note that both actress and character have maintained hyphenated names. Hethcoat's delivery is so dry that it is well after a humorous line is delivered that you have to rewind in your head and realize it is written as a joke. Despite being the coach, she wears shorts to practice and yoga pants to class. As a science teacher at the local Chrisitan Academy, short skirts seem inappropriate attire for a chemistry lab, but director Dave Christiano's male gaze will not be denied. Beyond ogling the lead actress, the film has more than a few uncomfortable montages of teen girls running toward the camera. Feeling more like an 80s sexploitation film waiting to happen, Christiano's choice to shoot the teenage girls full body straight on--bounding and bouncing toward the camera is hilarious and uncomfortable all at once. But the misogyny doesn't end there. Coach Donnelly has a strategy to train her girls to run that the film promotes as some sort of secret and heretical idea (you know...like Jesus). However, even a layman to the sport understands the idea of pacing and training to run a stronger race...so the film sets up a twist ending that has no twist at all. But even Donnelly can't explain it to us. Another male coach from another school must first explain the strategy to the audience, leaving the female coach then to re-explain her master plan, which is no sort of master plan at all. Even here, men are smarter than the women. There is also an inexplicable symbol as the teammates and coach all put their fists together...and somehow that represents a team. Is it a cross? A "T"? Why does that represent team? So many questions.
Why would a coach choose not to reveal their strategy at the risk of getting fired? I am certain Nashville has people of color in its population. Where are they? Why would an Athletic Director of a private school fire a coach mid- season? Why would that same AD hire a parent as a coach? Why do white girls from Nashville not sweat when they have run 3 miles? Why... ? (there are about 40 more of these)
The film is filled with problems that aren't really problems. A 15- year-old girl isn't allowed to date, and apparently, that includes just stepping onto a boy's front porch. Friends smoke weed and then immediately give it up for no reason at all except "the power of prayer." A girl has self-esteem issues until her coach lovingly tells her that she wouldn't sell her to anyone at any price which hilariously works as a cautionary tale against human trafficking. One parent exclaims to her daughter after running a race "YOU'RE AWFUL!" as the rest of the team and nearby parents gawk. It is hilariously bad. But that is only one of the gems from the script. There are more like:
"I CAN'T READ!!" "Christianity doesn't make sense." "Remember that thing I asked you to do after dinner?" "If I know Jesus like I think I do, he slipped out the back door."
...and on and on and on. This movie isn't occasionally awful. It is consistent scene by scene and line by line. The parabolic platitudes of a female coach with her plastered smile and varied hair styles solve every issue, heal every wound, and also win championships. How does one then rank a movie like REMEMBER THE GOAL? As a film setting out to do what it is trying to do...it is awful. However, as an unintentional comedy, I laughed out loud more in this film than any other comedy I have seen this year. Choose how you see this movie and you will see either a stinker....or a sh***y miracle.