2/10
Time to just stop
2 June 2016
Warning: Spoilers
Alice Through the Looking Glass is the sequel to Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland that nobody asked for, but yet here it is. We return to the ugly world full of annoying caricatures for a second and hopefully final time (for the sake of my sanity).

The ensemble cast fail miserably. Mia Wasikowska's enthusiasm is so false and patronising its as if shes talking to an infant child the whole way through the film. Sacha Baron Cohen and Johnny Depp both suffer from stupid voice syndrome as they both speak with a lisp and an accent that only they know what they were going for there. Helena Bonham Carter reprises her roll as the big headed (pun intended) Queen of Hearts, sulking her irritating little way through this 2 hour cluster f*ck. Its hard to care about these characters when you are simply struggling to tolerate them in the first place.

The script is garbage. It's littered with unfunny jokes, puns that are so bad they aren't even funny and convenient exposition like "Oh no only the return of the cronosphere can save us now." Long story short its lazy and hard to believe someone was paid to write this piece of sh*t. I do wonder if the dialogue in the script includes the stupid lisps and accents because if so that just makes things worse.

The narrative is heavily flawed from the start of this 2 hour slow motion car wreck. We spend the first 5 minutes hearing Alice go on about nothing being impossible only for her to go against everything she believes in another 5 minutes later. The whole series of events that take place in this film could have been avoided if Alice had just stood up for what she believed in and wasn't so fast to give up on her beliefs. But the illogical narrative points don't stop there, no sir. When the Queen of hearts takes her sister Mirana to a pretty petty moment in their childhood, what is her plan? To bust in the door, point and shout "LIAR" like a bitchy school girl and in doing so almost ending the world and all of time. Also its kinda pathetic that the explanation of why the Queen of Hearts is such an ass hole is because one day her sister ate the last tart and blamed her for it. Seriously? It's not even an excuse, some people are just born ass holes and the Queen of Hearts is one of them.

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, the ending of the film is literally bull*t saves the day as they straight up lost. Everything was consumed by some brown rust like substance and Alice did not return the cronosphere in enough time to restore time back to normality... Roll credits? Nope, have no fear the magical synapse of time will suddenly make a connection to the cronosphere and time is saved hooray for bs. Also if Alice literally let go of the cronosphere before turning to rust then the balance of time would have been restored, so yeah the ending is beyond stupid.

I could go on about the many other aspects of this film that are terrible like the not so great sfx that the film chooses to focus on a lot or how the sfx create an ugly world to look at and yet for some reason the film persists with lingering on it, but I think I've made my point abundantly clear. This is not a good movie plain and simple, about the only thing that's good about this is hearing Alan Rickman's voice and seeing Andrew Scott both of which last for like 2 minutes. Stop trying to make Tim Burton Alice films happen they aren't going to happen, and I hope now that this film has flopped in typical Johnny Depp fashion, most likely due to his wife beating allegations, that this is the last we shall see of Annoying Alice and the ugly Underlandians.
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