Review of 36 Saints

36 Saints (2013)
1/10
Just plain awful
25 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
A pretty ridiculous film in which the faith of the world resides in the hands of thirty-six (36) unsuspecting / unknowing souls.

A gravely serious introductory voice-over lays out the convoluted plot: Every generation is protected from evil by 36 individuals who "carry the suffering of the world." If they're wiped out, it's apocalypse now.

As the film begins, an unfortunate plane crash (the year prior) has whittled the current number from thirty-six to nine, and they inexplicably all reside in Washington Heights. Yes, you heard right, six billion people in the world and the nine (9) remaining people who control the faith of the world over evil... and not only do they reside in the same place, but attend the same prep school and all hang-out with one another. Let's just say that "Lilith" and her hoards of the unholy, have no problems systematically wiping out our totally clueless teenage saviors.

Two New York City cops (Franky G, Jeffrey De Serrano) are warned that an age-old demon is on a killing spree, but their lackluster detective work does little to stem director Eddy Duran's slapdash pileup of strangely coy kill scenes (each mimicking the demise of the victim's namesake saint). The audience knows the culprit (though not her appearance): introductory narration informs us that Lilith, Eve's outcast predecessor in the Garden of Eden, is after God's "36" chosen. But before the police can determine her agenda, people must die by hanging, stabbing, shooting, bludgeoning and crucifixion. And we must witness a succession of scenes trying, but often failing, to tease us with tense buildups before thwarting our expectations.

For whatever reason, obligatory final girl Eve (Britne Oldford) is an aspiring actress trapped in a terrible indie horror movie. Whether that's meta or moronic isn't really worth the debate. Both are equally bad and neither are worth your time or attention.

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