Review of Dark Haul

Dark Haul (2014 TV Movie)
1/10
Not The Asylum awful, but awful just the same
5 October 2014
Better made and acted than most SyFy originals, this was nonetheless a film that had all the earmarks of a "first draft." Like most flicks, its too long. Just chop off the first useless 15 minutes and start with the shot of Sizemore grabbing Marie's shackled ankle and you'd have the audience going, "Now what's up with this situation? Who are these people? What did she do wrong that she has this device on her." Instead, the first 15 minutes show that the demon, even as an infant, can fly, is lethal, and impossible to kill (but you can trap it under a box).

Fast forward hundreds of years of pseudo-Christians looking after, er guarding, um whatever, the two demons, one who wants to free her demon-brother and the other who, once freed, just wants to kill (!).

The humans in charge of this duo never grasp that Zib (Zib? yup, Zib) should be sedated at all times and that Zub (well, he doesn't have a name, so why not Zub?) should be sealed in concrete and dropped in the ocean. Instead, Zib and Zub are kept in close proximity because Zib is supposed to be able to control Zub, though the words, "He's getting to strong to control," is something she says whenever Zub needs to be controlled. So much for fulfilling your basic job description, Zib.

Ah, but we have the gibberish of the 13th of the 13th and man vs beast and all that. Who cares? As for the trained, armed men and women who are supposed to know how to catch Zub if he escapes, something Zub keeps doing thanks to Zib, they must have missed several training classes. For the most part, this trained crew can't make it through an 8-hour shift without being impaled, shot by their own, or thrown hundreds of feet (often all three).

Special: Tom Sizemore drinking game. Sizemore must say at least 47 times that "I know how to kill it." If you take a shot each time, you won't have to make it to the end of the movie where it turns out he doesn't actually seem to know how to kill it.

When the highlight of the movie is a tractor trailer overturning, you've got problems.
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