keith_xyz Review of Nuclear Hurricane

Nuclear Hurricane (2007 TV Movie)

As seen on Telefutura's "Cine De Las Estrellas" (which ain't a good thing)

[1/10 · 4 July 2012]

I discovered this movie on Telefutura, which is one of the few channels I can watch movies when I'm too broke for cable. Needles to say, I masochistically choose to watch their cinema like the Mads sadistically choose their cinema for Joel or Mike on "Mystery Science Theater 3000." It's a good thing there are commercials and it's in Spanish so I don't have to learn & understand the (lack of a) plot. "Nuclear Hurricane" stars Jamie Luner, the beautiful red-haired C-list actress you may remember from "Just the Ten of Us," "Melrose Place," & "Profiler." I only saw the last hour of the film, but I think it was just enough for me to give this the negative rating it deserves. I presumably missed the "good parts," which may involve the hurricane & tumbling CGI boulders. What I did see was Luner & that guy from "All My Children" trying to prevent a nuclear meltdown or something. & like in many movies or TV shows, they had to traverse air ducts large enough to accommodate one person. This gimmick always exploits the physique of the thespians as Luner displays some cleavage but unfortunately no butt shots. It's as if this awful film still has to be taken seriously somehow. & also there is some creepy villainous robot like Hal 9000 (here it's called "Staci.") From what I saw, Luner fell unconscious either from the heat in the vents or lack of air & that soap opera guy had to save her & a welder's involved. Add to that two people in another scene assisting in delivering a woman's baby in said hurricane to complete that long, boring hour. I'd be really masochistic if I weren't playing the Wii on another TV. Incidentally I saw this on the Third of July; on the 4th of July & on many other holidays, Telefutura airs a marathon of movies. I assume "Nuclear Hurricane" was really too crappy to be put in that lineup for those who live in states where you can't buy fireworks & literally can't stand the heat. "Nuclear Hurricane" is like "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter": when it comes to unusual film names, WYSIWYG. &WYG is a horrible movie. Thank you, Telefutura for motivating me to write a review which I haven't done in awhile. I'm being sarcastic, of course, but it's good to get it outta my system. Happy 4th of July, yall!