Stake Land (2010)
4/10
High production value, but a terminally moronic script
1 December 2011
Warning: Spoilers
I will give this film high marks for production value and acting, but the script is so moronic and devoid of simple logic and thought that the film ends up becoming just a sad waste of talent.

First, the story is completely devoid of a "Why?" There are so-called "vampires" everywhere, but never the slimmest explanation about why all this is happening. Nor is there any explanation of how one becomes a vamp, or how the virus is transmitted, or why the vamps can't be killed by normal means, why you need a stake to the heart/spine/breastbone/whatever, why they can't stand the light, even a flashlight or a torch, but have no fear of crosses or religious items, etc.

Then we have all the moronic sentiments expressed. Sister has compassion on vamps, even though there is no rhyme or reason why she should. She seems to represent the gentle side of religion, even though her Roman church has slaughtered more people, both infidels and Christians alike, than any protestant movement in human history ever came anywhere close to!

The bloodthirsty Aryan Brotherhood is the only representative of Christianity left in the world besides Sister's misguided bleeding-heart sentimentalism. The writer/director obviously has no firsthand knowledge of actual Christian people; everyone in the film is just a shallow stereotype born out of the imagination of his religio-phobic mind.

Goodness is represented by a bunch of just plain folks who seem to follow some sort of idealized redneck secularism ("we don't tolerate no religion, nor politics!) whose only values are drinkin', smokin', frickin', fightin', & bein' compassionate toward the unfortunate when it suits their mood.

Then there's the outright stupidity that pervades every move made by the main characters. Here are a few of many poignant examples:

Why did Mister kill Martin's father? We never see anyone transform from human into vamp throughout the entire film; so what was that all about? We'll never know, I guess. Jebediah Loven does, but we are given no explanation as to why he did when so many others just die. And why can he still think when other vamps can't? Maybe his god did hear his prayers? Go figure. The whole thing makes no sense.

How did sister end up arriving safely in the next community after they were all captured by the Brotherhood when Mister and Martin had so much trouble on their own journey?

Why are all the main characters traveling North during the onset of Winter? If they are trying to survive, they are pretty stupid to go North, since food gets more scarce and temperatures will freeze them to death before the vamps will get them. What the heck is so great about New Eden, anyway? Why are they safe when everywhere else is gone to the vamps and the brotherhood? Maybe it's because they have no religion or politics? How did that come about? We are never told anything.

While they're staying in the bus, Mister is able to reinforce the windows with more of the ubiquitous chain-link fencing which seems available everywhere (even in the remotest wilderness areas) during this apocalyptic era. Maybe the vamps poop it out?

Then Willie gets taken by vamps when he leaves the bus at night to take a pee (couldn't he have peed in a beer can and dumped it outside in the morning?). So after he's found dead, the rest of the characters leave the safety of the bus and start traipsing over the countryside, camping outdoors at night, and just generally asking to get punked by the vamps. I suppose it was just an overriding imperative that they all go hunt the "Thinking Vamp" for some reason?

Then Martin and Mister both leave Belle asleep and go chasing after an obvious decoy by the vamps--and guess what? Belle gets snatched! NO DUH!

What was Jebediah forcing Martin to drink, and how was it supposed to effect him? It doesn't seem to have had any at all!

Then Martin gets his skull bashed against the edge of a ceramic tub by the superhuman strength of a vamp, but has recovered enough just seconds later without any medical attention in time to kill the vamp from behind and save Mister!

Why did Mister just up and leave? So Martin could have some cuddle time with his new girlfriend? Such a gentleman!

Then the nonsensical ending: Martin and his new squeeze arrive at the unguarded, unwatched, wide open welcome entrance to New Eden.......... And that's all folks! Wha??????

I suppose they just ran out of film or something? Never mind.....
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