Evil Bong (2006)
1/10
Evil Hooka: Simply the Worst Stoner Movie Ever Made
4 May 2008
Warning: Spoilers
This movie is so beyond bad that it exceeds any "bad movie" worth. There are so many glaringly horrible aspects of this movie. The protagonist talks in excessively wordy "intellectual"-speak throughout the entire movie, each line dragging through your ears like teeth on pavement. The only "exterior" shot in the movie( the first shot too) is in the hallway outside of the apartment. Other than that, there is one other location: a strip club inside the evil bong. There appear to be more rooms in the apartment, but they constantly stay in the living room. The movie opens with the protagonist, who is never really written like one, looking for a room to rent. The three bros inform him that his room is really just the living room, where they all sleep. So at this point in any real life situation, the nerdy protagonist would leave since there is no real room for him to rent AND considering that he has nothing in common with any of them, namely a stereotypical stoner, a characterless loser, and a jock. But, then again, this is Evil Bong so he willingly moves in with them. Whoever wrote this movie is not a stoner. The writer very well may never have smoked weed in his life. The characters are not written like real stoners at all. They use phrases like "bro" and " let's do another hit." If they were, they might have noticed that the evil "bong" that they buy is not even a bong. It's a hooka, and a really crappy one at that, with a horrible ceramic face on the front that they all claim keeps changing throughout the movie, when it never really does. The stereotypical stoner is the first one to go. By the way, his catchphrase is "monkey" for no reason at all. He smokes the evil hooka and is transported to a strip club. No amount of boobs can save this movie. Though the girls are hot, the length of their shots provides ample time for people to walk in and wonder what the hell you are watching. When they find out that it isn't even porn, but a really horrible movie they are usually even more disappointed. In fact, the concept that this movie takes a turn for arousal is uncomfortable. Then again, there is not one moment in this entire movie that is comfortable. The only sex scene involves a girl humping the jock's leg and then jumping on a pogo stick, and is really quite sad.

Okay, so one by one they are led into the strip club (equipped with "bong vision" computer graphics constantly radiating on the edges of the screen) and they are killed by ceramic breast cups on the strippers bras that resemble sharks, skulls, whatever. Yeah, its that bad. So when they realize in the morning that their stoner roommate is dead, instead of calling an ambulance, they hide him under clothes on the opposite side of the room and contemplate dumping his body somewhere. Great friends. Well, I won't bore you with more plot details from the movie since they are altogether stupid. Tommy Chong makes his entrance a good two thirds through the movie, as if anyone would still be watching, and even he can't save it from poor writing. The way the movie ends ( tommy chong rolling hotweels cars over stripper's boobs) makes him look like a creep. This movie is not cheech and chong by a long shot. The makers of this film were oblivious enough to probably think that everything would come together in editing. They could not have been more wrong. The editing is one of the worst parts about this movie. A halfway decent editor would have made this movie at least 40 minutes shorter, but then again, a halfway decent editor would never have worked on this movie. The music selection is atrocious. All of the songs have lyrics, which makes it near impossible to hear the dialogue, not like anyone cares about that anyways. I am a person who loves bad movies ( Troll 2, Jack the Giant Killer, even Bog Creatures.....well, maybe not Bog Creatures) but this movie has no redeeming value. The fact that this movie is rated 4 out of ten is hiddeous. If you could give a movie a zero, this movie would give that zero a rim job. The opening review of this movie is titled "Not Bad" and is written by a person who has admittedly never smoked weed. I have a sneaking suspicion that the writer of this movie wrote that review. This movie is bad. It is so so bad. Not even bad enough to watch unless you are really really really drunk......but even then......nah...
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